Monday, July 18, 2011

Hard to Explain

It's really hard to explain my emotions some times and I almost don't even want to move forward with these thoughts for fear of being misunderstood.  But for the sake of sharing and letting others who may be feeling this way know they aren't alone, here goes...

Yesterday there was a baby dedication at church.  These have been a little difficult since loosing Shyla, but yesterday's was especially hard.  These were the families that were pregnant when we were pregnant with Jakin. All of us due within a few weeks of each other.  We announced our pregnancies about the same time and a few of us were pregnant the first time together and our oldest kids are the same age.  When they announced they were doing a dedication, I involuntarily became tense.  As I watched all the beautiful babies and their families file in front of the church I began to feel my eyes get hot with tears and had to fight them back.  When the prayers were being prayed for all these precious families the lump in my throat got bigger and I struggled to stay in the present.


This may be the hard part for some to understand.  I loved seeing those healthy babies up there.  Each one of them is a blessing to their family and I know they are all cherished.  (If any of the parent's of these babies are reading this, I sincerely hope you understand how happy I am for you and that I love seeing you with your little ones!)  But something about not being a part of this dedication was so painful.  Just another reminder of something I feel like I have lost.  Just like when I see Ethan get so enamored with a baby girl that is the same age Shyla would have been.  It's so hard to explain.  I'm so happy for them, but my arms still ache...

We are getting close to Shyla's 2nd birthday so maybe why the emotions have been a little more raw.  I'm not sure.  It could just be one of the ups and downs that this grief does to us.  I'm struggling with what to do for her special day this year.  With her birthday in September, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in October and then Jakin's first birthday in November (Thanksgiving Day actually) we have lots of opportunities to remember and honor our babies, but as most of you know, that can be as exhausting as it is special.  Read HERE to see what we did for Shyla's first birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  We don't plan on doing anything as big as that this year, but I still want to do something, even if it is just for our family.  I would love any suggestions!

8 comments:

Megan said...

I can understand completely. I have dealt with the death of Savannah so well. I understood and still do understand in God's divine purpose. With her birthday approaching, it is like you said, more raw. More than I ever expected or thought imaginable.

I think anyone can understand what you mean here. It isn't the life of those babies. It is the fact that it re-opens the wound. Its a fresh real, deep reminder. That your baby, sweet Jakin (and beautiful Shyla) should have been dedicated in your arms. That your life should be graced with their glorious presence right along with the other families.

They were both there with you mommy, and that is part of the reason it was so fresh. I feel very close to Savannah at church most days. And I know, as I know you do as well, that we dedicated their lives in a much greater way. We said, "here you go Lord, they are yours. Their soul now, is yours." That is a much harder dedication.

Love you Mattie. <3

Megan said...

Also, I have never heard that quote before, but I find so much truth in it, I hope you don't mind if I use it. <3 :')

Radiant Readhead said...

That is the second time TODAY i sw that quote, and it is the first time ever! I love it!! it is so true...and dont worry, i have the same feelings every time a new baby is baptized in our church. Dave and I actually stopped going to noon mass to avoid the baptisms (they are almost always held at the noon mass). It is not that you wish harm on those children or their fmailies, you just wish you coul be partaking in the ceremony WITH them, not just as an onlooker:-) HUGS

Lynn said...

I can relate so closely to this, Mattie. Several years ago (I've written about this in the past on my blog), The Hubs and I felt confident we had finally acheived pregnancy only to learn on a special Sunday that we had not. The Sunday school lesson that day was on Hannah and Samuel and then, during the church service, the baby of friends of ours (who had, in fact, suffered through IF themselves, adopted a child and then found themselves pregnant with a bio child) was being dedicated (their bio child). It was such a gut-wrenching service for me. I was so incredibly happy for them, but so emotionally torn for us. And that wasn't even for a real child who was with us for any time period! That was simply the disappointment of another negative test.

I feel so much for you. You are such a strong survivor, but every now and then you have to give yourself a break and feel what you feel. Anyone worth their salt will understand.

Heather said...

Sending so many hugs and love your way, Mattie. I totally get it. I can't imagine having this pain x2, but I do get the whole pain of empty arms, and realizing that you SHOULD have been up there dedicating Jakin, too. xoxoxo

shineliketheSon said...

Just wanted to share I prayed for your breaking heart. Not having lost a child, even I can see in my broken hearted love for those who have that the pain never goes away, just changes some. Allow yourself these moments as you need to. I would hope the others would understand since they know what it's like to love a child.

Holly said...

Oh Mattie, I get it. There were baby dedications in our church and I would always just about lose it when they started singing Jesus Loves Me. My eyes even welled up w/ tears at Lainey's dedication during that song. I was thinking how even though we did a dedication for Carleigh it wasn't like this. She was already gone. I am truly happy for others but it still hurts regardless.

So many special dates close to each other. For Carleigh's 2nd we still had a party but it was much smaller. Just my parents and my friend and her family. We had cake and food and did a balloon release and it was nice. I had to go w/ a big cake again! It didn't feed 75 like the 1st one though! Lol

Devan @ Unspoken Grief ™ said...

I can relate to your feelings of feeling left out. I think that those of us who have been through it can understand those feelings. it is hard - to see that you are able to both be sad/upset for you & at the same time be happy/grateful for others.

Sending you strength as you enter a very draining time. xxo