Our Circle Maker

Ethan has had a bit of a struggle going to children's church through the years.  It seemed every time he would start going really well, we would have a loss and he wouldn't want to be separated from us.  The first was right after we lost Shyla, then he started going back to the nursery at church well again about a year later.  Then we lost Jakin and he did the same thing.  After Samuel's failed adoption, Ethan finally had words to explain why he wanted to be with us during church.  He told us that he thought he was being punished if we forced him to be separated during church.  So we told him as long as he could sit still and listen well in big church, he could stay with us if that is what he really wanted to do.  We also encouraged him to try-out the nursery and/or kids church every couple of weeks.

Last Fall, our pastor was preaching a series on Mark Batterson's book, The Circle Maker.  The story of Honi and of bold specific prayer really encouraged us.  Little did I know how much it was impacted Ethan as well.

We had been hearing more and more about the changes in the process of South Korean adoptions.  After talking with our agency and advocacy groups, we learned it may be even harder for us now due to the fact we have a biological, non-Korean child in our home.  We did a lot of praying and searching. 

Secretly, my prayer the first week of November was that we would see our child's face. Specifically, I prayed for a daughter.  Which is selfish, but, I wanted to pray what I thought was a bold, specific prayer.

Ethan's Prayer

On Monday, November 5th, Ethan came to me and we had the following conversation:

"Mommy, I just went up in my bed and prayed."

"That's great Ethan!  What did you pray about?"

"I prayed for a baby."

"Oh, honey, we are all praying for a baby."

"No, Mom.  I prayed for a baby by Sunday or Monday."

I stopped loading the dishwasher and just looked at him.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I tried to explain that with God anything is possible.  And God could do it.  But, if He doesn't, we were going to love him and praise him anyway. 

Tuesday, November 6th, while talking about what we were thankful for, Ethan told me "A Baby."

The rest of the week was more of the same.  He told me that I better be packing our bags for the hospital.  He told me I needed to get the nursery ready and he even went through his stuffed animals and took some of them to the nursery "for the baby".

He so inspired me, that I pulled out the quilt top I made a year ago from my maternity shirts and I finished quilting it for our soon-to-be-baby.

 

He prayed every night and every meal for "Our Baby".  He constantly circled her in prayer.  He believed with all his heart we were going to have a baby by Sunday or Monday.

 

Friday morning I couldn't sleep.  I got up early and read my daily Bible reading and decided to check my email.....

 

 

To be continued....

Little boy in red and yellow.

August 29th gave us a challenge we have not yet had in this adoption journey.  A phone call from our agency asking if we would be interested in looking a photos of a 19 month old little boy in South Korea that is ready to be adopted.  He had some medical issues at 2 months and his agency was waiting to see if it caused any long term issues.  It hadn't, so now he is 19 months and ready to find his forever family.

August 30th was my Dad's biopsy that officially found his lung cancer and the start of a 4 day hospital stay.

We prayed about this little boy.  When the email with his photos came through, we took a deep breath and looked.  The first thing we did is smile and look at his big eyes and long black hair sitting in the floor in his red and yellow outfit.  We commented on how adorable he was and neither one of us wanted to say what was in our hearts, but later we found out it was the same thing...this is not meant to be our child...

"They" say you will just know when you see your child's face for the first time.  You will know that it is the child meant for your family.  I can tell you that over the next couple of days, I agonized over the decision to see this child's file.  We prayed about it and with Dad in the hospital recovering from the biopsy and a collapsed lung, I had a lot of time to seek God on this.  Naturally, fear set in.  In all forms.

I thought, "What if we do accept to look at this child's file, accept this as a referral, and start this process?  He  would be over 2 when we got to travel...our homestudy is only approved for up to 24 months...would they deny us once we got there for that?"  "What if we don't look at this child's file and no one else does either...what will happen to him?"  "What if this child IS meant for our family?  What if this is his last chance?  What if this is our last chance?"

This was not a decision we took lightly.  We tried to look at it from all angles, but even when we tried to talk about saying yes to even looking at the child's file, but we just did not feel peace about it.

Everyday since then, this little one has been on my heart..  His life right now, his future, his biological family.  Would you all please join with me in praying for the almost 20 month old little boy in the red and yellow outfit.

(I want to clarify that this was not an official referral.  We aren't even technically on the wait list because our file is on hold with our placement agency until Korea starts issuing referrals again this fall.)

What I have been up to.

I wish I knew where to start!  Whew!  The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of business and the only reason I have a chance to write today is that I am feeling under the weather and that means I couldn't go to my dad's radiation appointment today.

Dad had his biopsy done a couple of weeks ago, during which his lung collapsed and he had to have a drain tube put in his chest.  The test confirmed large cell carcinoma and he had to stay in the hospital for about 4 days.

September 2nd was our beautiful daughter, Shyla Joy's 2nd birthday in Heaven.  It was also the day my brother, sis-in-law and niece made it in from Oklahoma and the day Dad was finally released from the hospital.  It was a long, emotional day.

My younger brother lives about 2 hours away and he was going to come home for the weekend, but his breaks went out on his car, so my mom went and picked him up.  My older brother and his family stayed for Labor Day weekend and between Dad's Dr appointments, working at the Crisis Pregnancy Center 2 days a week, homeschooling and taking my younger brother back to Lexington I have been running like crazy.  Throw in there it's high school soccer season (my husband is a soccer official) and Ben is out of town a few nights a week and that we had another large fundraiser during those two weeks means I have not had much time to sit at the computer for long!

Dad's first radiation treatment was this afternoon and I am waiting to hear how he is doing now.  They said it shouldn't be too hard on him, but they are going to do treatments 5 days a week for about 6 weeks.  The chemo Doctor wouldn't even really give him a consult until he gets his insurance stuff worked out...please pray that is resolved soon.  The basic gist of it is that he is a veteran and had a biopsy done in April at the VA hospital.  They told him he didn't have cancer, but just an infection and sent him home with antibiotics.  He kept getting sicker and sicker and went down to just over 100 pounds.  When VA refused to see him again, he saw a doctor outside of the VA and had more tests and this 2nd biopsy that said told us it is cancer.  Now the VA will not pay for any of his treatment because he went outside the VA hospital for diagnosis...we are working on some other options though.

I guess I just needed to get all of this off my chest and prepare me for writing once again.  It feels like I've been away for so long!!!

I do have something adoption related to share...in another post...

Seven Families

Recently, I have had some issues with health insurance.  Denied because we are adopting.  Denied because of my "heart condition" which they assumed I have after seeing I had taken a medication for Jakin's heart after his diagnosis and before his death.  Adding to my husband's insurance was WAY too expensive, so I began searching for alternatives.  Then I came across Samaritan's Ministries.



Samaritan's is basically a Christian MedShare.  Instead of sending a jaw-dropping amount of money to an insurance agency, I send a set amount of money every month to another Christian in need of financial assistance with their bills.  Samaritan's is based on the principles set in Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.".  But, not only do I send my monthly share, I send a note of encouragement and agree to pray for the person whom I will send my share to.  When I have a medical need, I send in a request packet and Samaritan's sends my need to another person in the share who does the same for me.

I did a lot of research and we prayed about what to do about my health care.  We chose Samaritan's and I sent in my paperwork and we just got my first monthly newsletter.  As I browsed the newsletter, I was impressed.  The article on The Morning Center, a maternity care center they are trying to get off the ground, touched my heart as I see women everyday at the crisis pregnancy center I work at that would benefit from such a program.  Then I saw two pages in the newsletter titled, "New Rewards".  It didn't take long for me to realize these are babies born to Samaritan's members.  I scanned the two pages and prayed for these babies and their families. I also looked to see if any of them had any mention of being stillborn.  I wondered how Samaritan's handled that.  There are currently 17,000 families that are members of Samaritan's...statistically, there would be babies that had been (sadly) lost before birth.

I turned the page and found specific ways I can be praying for the persecuted church.  Again, I didn't expect to see that there, but it broke my heart to read of the persecution going on around the world.

As I scanned the next page, I saw the title "Final Rewards".  It listed two members that had passed away and gave a few paragraphs about each person and included their family and address where encouraging notes and financial assistance could be sent if someone would be so led.  Then, in the second column I saw the following paragraph:

The families listed below have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth.  We list them here to honor the lives God gave and saw fit to take home.  We also list them so that continued prayer and encouragement can be provided during this time.

Then there were seven families listed.  Seven precious couples whose lives have changed in a way they probably never expected.  Listed also there was their addresses.

Would you please join me in prayer for these seven families.  God knows their names and their needs.

  

While We Wait: Praying

We pray for lots of things, don't we.  This week, I would like for you to share any prayer requests that are on your heart, things you need prayer for or any answered prayers. Please link up your prayer request below so that others can pray for you as well.


 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7 

***

Prayer is a powerful thing, but I have to remind myself that sometimes my requests match what I want more than God's will for us.  I have had prayers at times that have felt unanswered, but when I think about it, they were answered, but maybe not in the way I expected.  When our third child was diagnosed with a heart condition, we prayed for God's healing.  I remember praying over and over the plea that Lazarus' sisters sent in a letter to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."  Jakin was healed, but just not the way we expected.  I have learned a lot about prayer in the past few years, but I know I still have lots to learn.  

Today I'm asking first for prayers for another adoptive mama and papa heading to Korea right now!!!  Please   pray for the Blomgren's.  Pray their trip goes smoothly and for the daughter at home and their daughter in Korea.  Pray for her new little one's foster parents and for her birth parents.  I have been so blessed by following their journey!

I also ask that you pray for a friend of mine as her sis-in-law went into labor at 31 weeks and will be delivering her baby today.  Pray for health and strength for her little one and for the parents to have wisdom and strength as they are learning to care for a preemie.

Pray for Africa.  To learn more about how you can help with the crisis in Africa, visit Lauren.

I could go on forever with people we need to pray for, but I'm going to wrap up this post with a personal request.  

My dad found out last Thursday that he has lung cancer.  The Dr.'s have told him that radiation and chemo are not possibilities at this time, but they did refer him to a surgeon.  I will be going with him today to see the specialist and see if surgery is possible.  There have been multiple mistakes made by a certain hospital that has  missed this diagnosis for months.  He was told he did not have cancer, but just a lung infection.  He instructed to take heavy antibiotics, which have caused him to completely loose his appetite and drop to a very low weight, which, from my understanding, is why they will not consider most treatments.  I'm struggling with being very angry with this facility.  I need grace.  My dad needs healing.  He is in a lot of pain...

My Dad and I on my wedding day.

Thank you for your prayers and please share yours by linking up or commenting how I can be praying for you.

Back to Work

As I was typing the title of this post, the computer remembered it already.

As the title suggests, I'm headed back to the office tomorrow.  I could use some prayers. 

I like my job.  I love the school I work at.  It's just being back there...again...for the second time after losing one of my babies.  I know the day will go back fine and everyone is very understanding.  I just can't explain the emotions. 

Overall, I'm doing well and grief is doing it's work, but so is God and he is healing our hearts.

2nds for Shyla

Today is December 2.  Fifteen months ago we said goodbye to our baby girl.  Today I spent extra time admiring the sweet ornaments on our tree given to us to remember sweet Shyla.  I can't believe all that has happened in the past 15 months.  I can't even remember the person I used to be and how I used to believe it was easy to bring home a baby. 

 This was the ornament given to us by the funeral home last year.

Please be in prayer for two other mama's who have had another baby go to Heaven in the past week.  Both women have big hearts and now are experiencing this loss again.  Pray God shows himself faithful and they feel his love and grace in this time.

Another Families Loss

There is a family that lives in the same town we do who lost their first child to Factor V Leiden.  The same reason we lost Shyla.  They had their rainbow in August.  I asked you to be praying for them this Tuesday.  Well, their sweet baby girl went to Heaven on Wednesday.  She and I have talked about how much we have in common and now there is even more.  We both lost our rainbow babies due to a heart issue on the same day.  Please be in prayer for this family as they walk this road again.

Pediatric Cardiologist

We see the pediatric cardiologist today at 2:45 est!  Be praying for Jakin's heart to be in perfect rhythm.  Our God CAN do this!  He is able!  I will post an update as soon as I get back around a computer.

Also, please be praying for a little girl named Briley in your prayers.  Her mommy and I have very similar histories as we both had baby girls pass away in utero at the same gestation due to the Factor V Leiden.  Briley is their rainbow.  Briley was born a little early in August I believe and is having heart surgery today to open up some constricted arteries coming from her heart.  Mommy and Daddy know that all things are possible with God and know the power of prayer, so they have requested prayer for their sweet girl.

Praying for Jakin

Ephesians 3:16-18

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your HEART as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and KEEP YOU STRONG. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

(emphasis mine)

Needing Prayers

This post would get much too long if I were to go into the details of the past two days, so I'll summarize.

Yesterday, we had an appointment with my regular OB.  We learned we are having another BOY!

We also learned the baby's heart is not beating properly.  It's going too fast and he is experiencing some tachycardic episodes.  The Dr. called my high risk OB and got us in today.  Basically, our little boy's has been diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia.  His heart is beating very quickly.  The doctor has put me on blood pressure medicine that will cross the placenta to try to slow his heart down.  He says I will be pretty fatigued, but that should be the only major side effect.

He also made an appointment for us with a pediatric cardiologist for Tuesday for another ultrasound and to see if the meds are helping. 

We needs prayers to be going up for our little guys heart to slow and the tachycardia to be gone!



By the way, his name is Jakin Isaac.  Jakin means "God will establish" and Isaac means "laughter".

The numbers are in!

I was supposed to call my Dr's office today after 1:30 to get the results of my hCG draw that was done yesterday, but my wonderful nurse, Melissa, didn't want me to worry allday, so she called thismorning as soon as she could call the lab for the results.  Here it is...

Tuesday's blood draw showed my hCG to be 48,000+.  My blood was drawn in the afternoon.z

Thursday's draw showed my hCG to be going UP!!!  Praise God!!!  They like to see the numbers double every 48 to 42 hours and they weren't there at the time of the draw which was in the morning (less than 48 hours after the first draw).  They were 50,000+ though!

Keep praying!  We need these numbers to go up and to see a heartbeat at Tuesday's appointment!!!

Pray for our Rainbow Baby

This is not really how I wanted to make this announcement, but here goes.

About three weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant again!  We are so excited to be welcoming another baby into our family.  Our rainbow baby.

Today was our first prenatal appointment and the we did not see what we need to be seeing at this point.  We couldn't find a heartbeat and everything is smaller than what it should be.  They drew blood today to check my levels and they will check them again Thursday.  We need these numbers to go up!!!  If Thursdays numbers are good, we will have another ultrasound on Tuesday to see how baby is growing.  PLEASE be praying!  We need your prayers and a miracle.  Nothing is impossible with God!  We have been trying to think of something to call this baby besides "baby" and we have kind of settled on Jakin.  Jakin means "He establishes".  We need God to establish this pregnancy beyond a shadow of a doubt and make it thrive!!!

One year ago today we found out that Shyla's heart had stopped beating and this news today was definately not what we wanted to hear, but again, I can't say it enough, nothing is impossible with God!!!  Please join us in praying for our baby, Jakin, to be established!!!

We love you all.  Thank you for your prayers and for beliving in this life inside of me!

Prayers Again

Please be praying for a mom named Ashley and her family. Ashley's baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and went to be with Jesus. 

My heart breaks for her tonight. 

God, please hold Ashley and her family close tonight.  Your word says that you are close to the brokenhearted and that you are near those who are crushed in spirit.  Thank you for your love, peace and comfort.  Only you can provide those things in times like these.  I love you Lord.

Amen.

Reaction Update

So I went to the Dr. yesterday and they first thought it looked like a strep rash.  Negative.  It must be allergies they said.  I got a shot of steriods and a couple prescriptions.  I was told if it didn't clear up by Monday, come back for bloodwork and a referral to an allergy specialist.

I layed while Ethan was napping and tried to get some rest from the itching and swelling and when I got up the redness and rash were gone!  Praise God!  I was still swollen, but I just knew it would go away.  I watched the UK game (Go CATS!) and was disappointed in the end, but at least my face was healed, right?  Well, sort of.  I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and the redness and swelling were back.  Ugh. 

This morning, I'm still swollen, red, itchy and hot.  But the good news is that the rash itself is not as apparent, just redness. 

I'm so thankful for all your prayers.  Keep them coming.  I know I will be healed and soon!

Reaction

Asking for prayers again.  I'm not sure what has caused it, but my face is having some kind of terrible reaction to something.  It started with just a few little bumps and redness under my chin first thing thismorning.  It has progressively gotten worse all day.  Most of my neck is covered in bumps, redness, and swelling.  The reaction continues up the right side of my face, behind my ear and then a big place on the left side of my face really close to my eye.  That eye is swollen at least 1/3 closed.  And the ITCHING!  And the heat. 

I called the Dr. and they said to take another Bena.dryl tonight and some hydrocortisone cream and go to the clinic tomorrow if it doesn't clear up.

The redness and bumps are bearable (aside from being hideous), but the swelling, itching and heat are really starting to get to me.  People IRL said it could be nerves, but I don't think I'm nervous.  You'd think if my nerves had caused this, it would have happened before now.

By HIS stripes I AM healed!

Thank you for your prayers!

Prayer Requests

First thing this morning, I got a call telling me of a mother who lost her daughter yesterday at 35 weeks.  This is not their first time down this road.  It is their third time.  Three daughters in Heaven before her.  My heart is breaking all over again for her.  And her family.  Please pray for these precious people.

Also be praying for a friend of mine.  She is in her early thirties.  She has a 6 year old son.  She was told she has cancer.  Thyroid cancer.  It was discovered during an "elective" surgery to remove part of her thyroid after some "concerning" tissue.  She had surgery yesterday to remove the rest of her thyroid.  They found it was attached to her trachea, but other than that, the surgery went well.  She will do a radiation treatment in thirty days.  I covet your prayers.

Another prayer is requested for a friend with a broken heart.  Thats all I want to say right now.  (You never know who is reading that you know IRL).

Thank you for all your prayers.

Hugs.

Let me bring JOY

One year ago today, we told our families of our pregnancy.  Ethan proudly walked around in his "Big Brother" t-shirt and we were so happy (and now I feel niave to have been so happy and not the least bit cautious).

We got word today that two more of our friends are pregnant.  That makes three couples that are due this year around the same time Shyla was due last year.  Everyone is making their announcements.

Lord,
Thank you for each new day of life.  Thank you for friendships near and far.  Please protect and guide my friends and their darling little ones.  Please let them keep their niavity and their joy.  God please let me be the friend I need to be and give me the words to say.  I know that you and only you are healing this brokenheart.  You are giving me a new understanding of how precious life is and I ask that you let me not be a person my friends fear because of my experiences.  Let them feel how much I love them and want to be there with them and help me bring JOY unreserved and excitement to all of these pregnancies.  Whether it be their first child or their fourth.  God, you are my healer and my protector and so much more.  In your holy name.  Amen.

If you are one of my blessed friends carrying a little miracle, I do wish you the best and I hope you know how truely happy I am for you.  I'm still working on how to express this correctly, be patient with me.  I'm getting there.