Mother's Day

It is hard to describe the feelings I have had today.  It's been rough.  I just need to vent...

I have had a semi-blackout by choice this weekend.  Barely checked my facebook or email.  I just needed a break.

Please don't think I'm begging for a hundred notes of encouragement of how great a mom I am or anything, I just need to vent...

I hated hearing, "Happy Mother's Day" this year.  It made my heart wrench and my teeth clench.  Why should I be celebrated as a mom when I could not even do the most basic of motherly tasks...bring my baby, living and breathing, into this world?  It was my genes that are the reason she is not here.  My own body.  No one would ever celebrate a mother who harmed her own children.  I know my situation is different, but the thoughts have crossed my mind. 

Today was hard.  I'm just being transparent and honest.  It was ugly, it was emotional, it was real.  I kept it together part of the day.  But first thing this morning, we were all ready for church and I just emotionally melted down.  I needed a good cry. But...we missed church because of it.

Then coming home from visiting my mom and grandma today, we stopped at the cemetary.  I cried some more.  I apologized.  I wanted to feel her in my arms so badly today it was painful.

Today caught me really off guard. 

I really wasn't expecting that.