In the Hospital

(This is a continuation of my last post about Samuel's birth.  I will continue writing it as if he was ours to keep.)

Saturday


After not sleeping at all, I was still very alert and thankful to have my eyes on such a sweet little man.  His spit up continued and we asked about switching formula.  The nurse finally saw him regurgitate almost a whole feeding and talked with the pediatrician that switched him to soy.  He did much better with that.  They said his billiruben was normal, but they wanted to check it again later.





A (Samuel's birth mother) was very sore from her c-section, but was able to get up and move around a little. They were able to unhook her from some of the wires and lines and she held Samuel.  I even asked if she would like to feed him and she said yes.  It was so bittersweet watching her do this.  I knew that releasing him for adoption would be hard and I thought getting these few moments nurturing him would either be hard, or help the pain, but I didn't know which.  She is a good mom, so I knew she would regret it if she didn't take this time. With her permission, I took pictures of them together because I knew they both would want them someday (I will refrain from posting those here out of respect for A and her privacy).

At one point in the day, I was holding him and rocking in the glider.  I was just staring at him.  I must have been smiling.  I thought A was asleep, but then she spoke to me.

"I know I'm doing the right thing.  I know I am because you look so happy."



Later that day, A's babysitter of her two other children came by and brought the kids.  She had came on Friday night as well, but without the kids.  When the nurse asked if the adoptive parents would be staying the night, the babysitter looked shocked and texted A later and asked her what that meant.  She didn't know anything about the adoption.  Looking back, that was probably a bad sign.  I went for a walk with Ben so her other kids and her could have some time alone with Samuel.

Ben left to drive the 3 hours home and get some sleep with plans on coming back the next day.  He called and told me he showed Ethan some pictures of Samuel and Ethan kept saying he was so jealous because we got to see him "really" and hold him.  A asked us Ethan was excited and I asked her if it was ok if Ben brought Ethan back with him the next day.  She said that was fine.  The next time the nurses came in the room, I asked if we could bring our son.  I knew there was a sign before you entered L&D that said no children were allowed in that area unless they were siblings of the newborn.  The nurse said she would have to ask the head nurse.  Another nurse came back in the room later and asked me to leave for a few minutes.  When they allowed me back in the room, A said that they were asking her if it was ok.  A told me she said that Ethan was Samuel's brother and it was ok with her for him to come.  She told them how excited he was.

The night nurse (who was great) suggested she take Samuel for a few hours (even though there was really  not a nursery in the hospital, she said I needed to rest since I hadn't slept the night before due to his gagging).  She took him for three hours through the night and I slept in the chair next to A's hospital bed.  This was also daylight savings time, so we lost an hour in the night as well.

Sunday

 They checked Samuel's biliruben again and it was too high, so they wanted to put him in the bili-bed.  He hated that thing at first and kept spitting up every time I would lay him down.  But after some adjustments and our wonderful night nurse showing us a trick to make him feel swaddled while in it, he slept much better.

Ben got to the hospital with Ethan late in the afternoon and Ethan got to spend a little time with Samuel and I.

He finally got the wear the "Big Brother" shirt that had been in his closet with tags for over a year.

He just kept saying how precious Samuel's eyes were.  His little hands.  His nose.  Everything was just "precious".

 

I left the hospital for just long enough to run to the hospital and take a quick shower then back to spend another night in the hospital.  A notary came to the hospital and witnessed A signing the temporary consent paperwork.  We could now legally leave the hospital with him!  That is, as soon as the hospital would allow it.

Monday

They checked Samuel's biliruben again and after one night it had dropped low enough they would allow him to be released from the hospital.  With one exception.  We had to bring him back to the same hospital to see the same pediatrician the next day just to check on him.  And the birth mother had to come too.  We started gathering our things and brought in the car seat.  At this point, A started to get a little emotional.  I gave her a few minutes alone with him and she placed him in the car seat.  

Since the hospital would not allow us to leave with the Samuel (even though we had every legal right to) A had to walk out with us.  And since it was a military hospital, we had to do a few extra steps before she could leave.  One of these steps was the filing of the birth certificate.  A insisted on placing our last name on the birth certificate.  He had our last name.  The lady in the office we were working on that paperwork was a notary and A agreed to sign the final adoption consent and court appearance waiver while we were there.  (It had been over 72 hours required by our state).  She gave him our last name and she signed the adoption consent while holding Samuel.  She told me again that she was sure she was doing the right thing.

We finished there and had to stop and get his Zan.tac filled at the hospital pharmacy (by this point they had determined the spit up was acid reflux).  Ben pulled the van around and A's friend brought her car up to the door.  We put the car set in the van and I let A see him again.  We hugged and both cried, then agreed we would see each other there in less than 24 hours for his appt.  I told her to call or text me for anything if she needed it.  And like that, we were driving away from the hospital with a newborn.  In shock and smiling through the tears this was actually happening.

We had to get a hotel in the area so we could be around for the appointment the next day.  Ben went and some dinner for us and we settled in with our little guy.

I can't describe the blessed feeling of having him in our arms and wishing we could have been his forever parents.  

I'll write more about our time together later.  It's taken me all day to write this one.  Ethan has had a fever for three days now and he is asking to cuddle.  The Dr. said it is just sinus/allergy stuff and that the fever could hang on for a few more days.  Praying it leaves quickly though, he is rarely sick, so when he is I worry more than I probably should.

Samuel's Birth

I would like to look back and try to tell the story of our time with Samuel as it was happening.  When we still thought he was ours to keep.  There were so many emotions that I wanted to capture before they faded.

Thursday, March 8

Ben and I left work early and traveled the 3.5 hours north to the city where Samuel was to be born.  On the way, we had a phone conversation with our attorney regarding the temporary custody papers that had to be signed so we could leave the hospital with him.  We had to some how get the paper also signed by the birth father, who lived in another state.  We panicked, we prayed, and we felt a peace about it.  I called the birth father and explained the situation and he assured me we had nothing to worry about, he would take care of it.

We met with my cousin (the one that introduced us) and Samuel's birth mother ("A") at a hotel near the army post Samuel would be born at.  We spent time with A and talked about everything from why she joined the Army to how her family was going to react to the news of Samuel's birth and adoption.  When we settled in our hotel room, neither of us could sleep well.  We might have gotten 4 hours or a little more.  We were so excited to finally meet the baby that would be ours!

Friday, March 9


We got up bright and early and headed to the post hospital at 5:30.  We followed A to the hospital and went to L&D.  When the nurse took us to the labor room, she asked who Ben and I were and I just looked at A.  She told them we were the adoptive parents and the nurse gave us the oddest look and asked us to wait in the waiting room while she got all prepped.

When we were allowed to come back, A said they told her that they didn't have to let us back there if she didn't want.  She told them she wanted us there.  Different people kept coming in and out and asking us to leave so they could talk to her.  We were kind of treated like some kind of baby snatchers by a few of the staff.  They even told us they were going to have to call social services and JAG to see how to proceed.  I gave them our legal paperwork and our attorney and agency phone numbers.  They were just not very receptive.

Labor progressed slowly through out the day, but we kept busy talking with A and my cousin joined us about lunch time.  We grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria and headed back to L&D. One of our conversations was in regards to how big we thought he might be.  "He'll be 7 pounds 4 ounces" said my husband.  I disagreed, he must be bigger than that by now, I thought.

 They finally checked for dilation late in the day and realized that a little after 5:00 that they wanted to break her water since she was progressing slowly.  Again, I was asked to leave the room while they placed her epidural.  They broke her water and my cousin and I held A's hands.  After that, she progressed very quickly.

Soon, the contractions were right on top of each other and very strong.  Her epidural did not take well and she said she was feeling everything.  I held her hand on one side and my cousin on the other.  We told her to squeeze our hands as hard as she could when the contractions came and remember to breath.  She was in so much pain and I could see it in her eyes.  She progressed from 5cm to 8cm in a matter of minutes and then there was a problem.  The Dr. looked at the baby's heart monitor and said, "Oh, crap!".  They quickly inserted the monitor on Samuel's head and then changed their minds on what was going to happen very quickly.

"We've got to get him out now."  The doctor said in a rush.  They shoved a paper under her hand for her to sign.  We started unplugging things like crazy and they took her away in a flash.  I told her everything was going to be fine, they just have to get him out.  After she was gone, my knees went weak and the tears started.  I'm not going to lie...for a moment, I thought that must be why she chose us.  We started praying and texting others to do the same.

In a matter of minutes, a nurse ran up the hall and said, "He is out, he is fine." That is all we knew.

A little while later, they wanted to clean out the labor room and asked us to take our stuff down to the post partum room.  On the way down the hall, I heard the most beautiful noise.  The cry of a newborn.

We walked in the room and there he was.  All stretched out under the warmer.  I wasn't allowed to pick him right up, but I could stand beside him and look in his big eyes.

How much did he weigh?

7 pounds 4 ounces

Ben was right.

One of the nurses made the comment, "As soon as he came out there was a big, loud cry.  No problems with those lungs!"   All I could say was, "That is the most beautiful sound in the world".  They must have thought I was nuts.

After a little while under the warmer and his first bath (which he hated by the way) I was allowed to hold him and give him his first bottle.

After he ate and he burped I had to give him back to the nurses.  By then, A was out of recovery and on her way back to the room.  She was in so much pain.  Since her epidural didn't take and she was put under general anesthesia, she was waking up feeling the full effects of the c-section. 

Once again, they made us leave the room.  For almost an hour.

One thing that made us nervous about this hospital was there was no nursery.  The baby had to be in the room with the birth mother the whole stay.  We had talked before Samuel's birth and she wanted us to be there to provide most the care, but said she would hold him and probably feed him a few times.  I thought this was a good idea.

As that first night progressed, I was amazed by the newness of this little guy.  He ate well, but in the middle of the night, he started gagging and spitting up huge amounts of his formula.  The nurses kept saying it was because he was a c-section baby and didn't get a good squeeze on the way out.  But I knew better.  I slept maybe a total of 30 minutes this night.  Everytime I would lay him down, he would start heaving, gagging and then spitting up.  So I held him most of the night.  I didn't mind loosing the sleep.  I was staring at one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  

They told us Ben had to leave. He could sleep in the waiting room if he wanted, but he wouldn't be allowed to be with us at all through the night.  He ended up sleeping in the van.

I never thought I would get to hold a newborn so fresh to the world again.  But I did.  And he was so beautiful.  I just couldn't believe he was mine.  

Samuel

1 Samuel 1:27-28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."

The little boy we have loved since we first met his birth mother was born March 9 by emergency c-section.  (He is fine. his birth mother is fine).

We cared for him along side her and left the hospital with him in our arms and he had our last name.  

Then, at six days old, his birth mother called and said this was much harder than she expected.  That she couldn't complete the adoption plan.  

We placed her back in his arms.

He was ours for a short time, but we loved him none the less.

We named him Samuel.  

He was one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen and such a joy to care for.  

I'm so glad I got to be his mama, even if it was only for six days.

I will share much more of the story, but I just had to start writing and start getting it all out.

Thanks for the prayers.  We greatly need them.

Samuel

1 Samuel 1:27-28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."

The little boy we have loved since we first met his birth mother was born March 9 by emergency c-section.  (He is fine. his birth mother is fine).

We cared for him along side her and left the hospital with him in our arms and he had our last name.  

Then, at six days old, his birth mother called and said this was much harder than she expected.  That she couldn't complete the adoption plan.  

We placed her back in his arms.

He was ours for a short time, but we loved him none the less.

We named him Samuel.  

He was one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen and such a joy to care for.  

I'm so glad I got to be his mama, even if it was only for six days.

I will share much more of the story, but I just had to start writing and start getting it all out.

Thanks for the prayers.  We greatly need them.

2012 so far...

So far, 2012 has been a blur.  I'm friends with many of you on facebook and many of you follow my other blog so you will already know kind of what's going on, but for those who don't...

In early January, we get an email stated it could possibly another full year before we bring home a child from South Korea.

January 11 we get an email from a cousin asking if we would be interested in meeting a friend of hers who has decided to make an adoption plan.

January 14 we meet "A" and decide to proceed with a private, open adoption plan.  Baby boy is due in March (just 5 days from my brother and SIL due date), but doctors suspect baby will be born in 3-4 weeks!

February- My uncle (my mom's brother) very quickly and unexpectedly passes away.  The day after his funeral, February 14, my Father passes away as well.  All in all, we attended 3 funerals and 4 visitations in less than a month.

March- My brother and SIL welcome their little boy...well, big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, into the world!

We are now anticipating the arrival of the newest addition to our family this week.  No latter than Friday!

We are beyond excited, but there is still a large amount of grief to take into consideration.  Our gain is our birth mothers grief.  She is an incredibly brave and courageous woman whom I am so glad I have gotten the opportunity to know.  We are still somewhat guarded.  We know the possibilities, but we also know God is in control.  We are simply waiting and hoping in Him.

I really wish I could have been processing my grief here over the past month with so much loss in our lives and the grief that Ethan has expressed.  There is just SO much going on it has been impossible to do everything.  Thank you all for your prayers.

Update

I  just wanted to post a quick update and prayer requests...

Last Thursday, my uncle (my mom's younger brother) very suddenly passed away.  The whole family was in shock and they are still in need of prayers.  My Grandmother is in her early 80's and just buried her youngest child, he was 55.  His funeral was on Monday.

My dad passed away on Tuesday evening and we are preparing for his visitation and funeral tomorrow and Tuesday.  A lot has gone on and we just need prayers for grace and peace.

No new news on baby.  He's still  hanging in there and seems like he will not be making his grand entrance for a few more days at least.

In spite of the whirlwind week...

God is good.

God is faithful.

God is near...

Waiting...

We are just waiting.  We are trusting and we are waiting.

I cut tags of clothes and washed them.  Hospital bags have been mostly packed.  We pray daily for our child-to-be's birth parents.  I can't imagine what may be going through their minds now.  I pray they are reassured this child will be loved and cared for and adored by so many.

Now we just wait.

I think I have written about waiting before...maybe even a few times...

But this time feels different.  Maybe I'm used to the waiting and it doesn't bother me as bad anymore.  Maybe it's because I have more hope.  I'm not sure what it is, but it is very different.

On another note, my dad is now in the care of Hospice.  Please continue to cover him in prayers.  Also, my brother and sis-in-law are due soon with their little boy too and live many hours from us.  Her grandfather is also very ill and not doing well.  Will you join with me in prayers for them too...


Thanks for all the love and prayers!