Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Five Months Later

I can talk about her without tears gushing from my eyes.
I can look through her things and not always cry.
I can think about the course of events and not hate myself so much (most of the time).
I can contemplate future children without the fear being as strong.  It's still there, but not as crippling as it once was.
I can visit the cemetary and know SHE is not there.  It is just a symbol and it's ok not to go there ever day or even every week.
I can control my frustration, anger and hurt when people forget to mention her, don't ask about her or wrinkle their brow when I do.
I can remember my pregnancy with fondness.  The sadness is not gone, and I don't think it ever will be, but I can remember some of the precious things and smile.

There are lots of things I can do Five Months Later.

There are also lots of things I can't.

I choose to focus on the the cans right now.  The can'ts are still too overwhelming at times.  But here I am, Five Months after saying goodbye to my darling daughter.  I'm still here.  I'm still breathing, still living.  The more time passes the further I feel from her.  But the odd paradox is with each day that passes, I am actually getting closer to her.  Closer to the day that I will hold my sweet baby girl again.  I can't even begin to imagine what that day will be like. 

Five Months. 

And I'm still here.

9 comments:

Karen said...

Yes, you are growing stronger. There are still some things that catches me off guard, that causes a lump in my throat, but time does help. I didn't know if I believed that 3 1/2 months ago, but it does.

Keep moving forward, one day at a time. I'm right there with you...

Blessings...

Shaina N said...

I miscarried on the first of December in 2008. On the first of December 2009, I was sitting in Steak N Shake, and suddenly realized what day it was. I started crying right there because I felt so bad for being so happy... but then I realized that Peanut (I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl) would want me to be that happy.

It's hard. I celebrated (that's not the right word...) every month for a while... but then I got stronger, and it got easier. I still get huge twinges of grief, and the worst is when someone asks if this is my first child, or my only child. I don't want to go in and make them feel bad, but I want Peanut to be remembered as well.

God bless.

Marie W said...

I am glad you are still here. Its amazing how strong we realize we are in when the world looks bleak. Praying for you and knowing that Shyla, Alyssa-Joy and Evan are playing together in heaven.

Lisette said...

I love this post! I can really relate, especially the part about future children. Scares me to think about that. You have given me hope. It has only been 3 months since my daughter passed and I hurt so bad everyday.

One day at a time you will get through.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you for the "cans" and the "can'ts"...

He will strengthen you and comfort you as you walk this path...please know that you are not alone...

Glad you entered the Colombus Women of Faith giveaway! =)

Jessica said...

You have a great attitude Mattie. You can definately see healing taking place. Shyla will help you through. *hugs*

Lynn said...

You are so strong, Mattie! I know you'll just keep getting stronger and, one day, you'll be with her again. She's looking over you!

Beautiful post!

Heather said...

I'm so glad you have such a long list of "cans" and I think it is great that is where you are choosing to place your focus. I feel that I'm at about the same place as you. (((hugs)))

Franchesca Cox said...

Beautiful post, and so true. Every day is just a little closer to seeing our daughters again.