Friday, July 2, 2010

10 Months

Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given.
A thing that is lent may be taken away;
A thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given; sorrow is lent.
We are not our own, we are bought with a price...
[Our sorrow] is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the Lord God will wipe away
all the tears from off all faces.
Amy Carmichael

What a beautiful thought.  Our sorrow is lent to us for eternal purposes.  I pray I have used what has been lent to me in a way that has eternal fruits and I praise God for the joy and hope He has given me. 

It has been ten months since we held her and saw all her tiny features.  I try to imagine what Heaven is like and all of the joy she and all those around her are enjoying in the presence of the Lord, but sometimes it is just too much to fathom.  I can't wait for that glorious day!

Grief at 10 months is much different that grief at 5 or 8 or any other month.  Something in me is changing and a that peace that passes all understanding has fallen on me like a thick fog in the past few days.  I smile more than cry when I think of her.  And I really like that.  Don't get me wrong, I still cry and sometimes I cry hard.  And that's OK.  But it also OK to feel happiness and joy in her memories. 

Am I still mad at times?  Yes.  Do I still wish more than anything to have her here with me?  Of course.  Does it still hurt to see babies (especially baby girls) that were born around the time she was or was supposed to be born?  You bet.  It even hurts to see so many people I know due this year around the same time I was due last year.  Not that I am not happy for them, I am SO happy for them, but at times, I'm still sad for what I should have and what feels like should have been.

In the midst of all of these feelings is a feeling of peace and joy that has never left us. Not for a second.  Sure, sometimes it was harder to feel than others and at times I didn't want to feel joy.  But for now, for today, for this moment I feel more hope than I have before and I pray this feeling continues. 

Thank you all for your love and prayers the past 10 months.  You will never know how much your affirmations and prayers mean to this mother's heart.


Stephanie said...

What a beautiful idea ~ lent and borrowed. Thank you for sharing.

Lori said...

It is beautiful and a wonderful way to remember our trials are promised to be only temporary...though they sometimes feel as heavy as eternity.

Really beautiful words...