Saturday, August 25, 2012

Almost Three

I really don't look forward to the end of August.  Sometime this week in 2009 is when my sweet baby girl went to be with the Lord.  We don't know the exact moment, or even the exact day, all we know is at some point in the days leading up to August 31st of that year she slipped away.

Three is harder than I thought it would be.  I'm not sure if it's the culmination of everything this year has held so far or if it's effect of time passing.  How can my baby have been gone three whole years?  How is it the little girl who will always be a baby in my mind would be well into her toddler years if she had lived?  It's a little too much at times. 

I don't talk about our babies much with Ethan.  If we do, he is always the one who brings them up.  Earlier this week we were making a family tree for a lesson and he wanted to include Shyla and Jakin.  Then, in his sweet little five year old voice asked me if God had a mailbox.  When I asked him why, he said, "So I can send this to Heaven for Shyla and Jakin to see."  He has such a sweet little heart. 

Tonight, we were on the way home from the park and he asked if we could stop at the cemetery.  He said he wanted to "check on Shyla and Jakin's graves".  We pulled in and he walked up to their tiny little plots next to each other and he bent over and began to clean the grass off their foot stones.  He IS their big brother. He IS caring for them the best way he knows how.  I just wanted to start bawling at this point. How many five year olds want to check on their siblings graves?  He dusted off the rocks then went behind their stone and cleaned the foot stone of my uncle who unexpectedly passed away in February, then he checked on my Grandpa's foot stone.  He is a servant to the core.

As we were leaving the cemetery, he asked me if he made my day (because he caught me staring in awe at him...I was thanking God for blessing me so much with this little boy...)  I replied by just telling him he was one special kid and he thoughtfully replied, "Mommy, I think more kids are special too.  Not just me.  God made us all special."  Speechless. 

I feel like I'm rambling a little, but it's good to be back here.  Writing about these feelings.  I pour them out to the Lord, but letting the words flow from my fingers, to the keys, to the screen, is therapeutic. 

Pray for us this week.  Three years is kind of hard to think about...

7 comments:

Carissa Wix said...

Mattie, I've been thinking about you. I knew that this was about the time of Shyla's going to be with Jesus. I'm so thankful that you have Ethan here, but I'm also thankful for your babies in heaven. I just know that the Lord has done so much through your family. Praying for you this week, and always.

belle said...

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

3 has been hard for me too. something about realizing i've missed the baby years and now i'm missing the toddler years too..... and realizing afresh that i'm missing out on teenage years too...... too many babies in heaven :(

Heidi Grohs said...

You have been on my mind the last few weeks! I will always remember at this time of the year...and especially with Jakin's dates around the corner....I have been thinking of you!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 always!

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Deanna said...

Thinking of you, Mattie. I thought 3 was tough too. I think it's because we know that they should be developing their own personalities by that point. It is so hard to imagine them preparing for preschool. That's my take on it. Will send lots of love and prayer your way.

marriageonamission said...

I nominated you for a “lovely blog award” for your courageous and honest expression of loss and pain…and the beauty you have found therein. See my page to accept. http://forthosewhoweep.com/2012/08/29/finding-grace-in-the-grief-a-lovely-blog-award/

Bless you. Psalm 121.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

You have been on my mind and in my prayers. Your Ethan is beautiful with his tender servant heart...and wise beyond his years. He reminds me a bit of my Timothy when he was young. I suppose it's one of the things our children get walking through such loss at a tender age...one of the gifts of beauty that shines through. Still...it is awe-inspiring and miraculous, and at times heart wrenching...a gift to treasure...the sweetness of your boy. Much love to you...

Hannah Rose said...

What a precious little boy you have!! And I know what you mean...it's coming up on three years since I last held my girl and I can hardly believe so much time has passed...lots of different emotions. Praying for you and your family. Much love and hugs. <3