I really don't look forward to the end of August. Sometime this week in 2009 is when my sweet baby girl went to be with the Lord. We don't know the exact moment, or even the exact day, all we know is at some point in the days leading up to August 31st of that year she slipped away.
Three is harder than I thought it would be. I'm not sure if it's the culmination of everything this year has held so far or if it's effect of time passing. How can my baby have been gone three whole years? How is it the little girl who will always be a baby in my mind would be well into her toddler years if she had lived? It's a little too much at times.
I don't talk about our babies much with Ethan. If we do, he is always the one who brings them up. Earlier this week we were making a family tree for a lesson and he wanted to include Shyla and Jakin. Then, in his sweet little five year old voice asked me if God had a mailbox. When I asked him why, he said, "So I can send this to Heaven for Shyla and Jakin to see." He has such a sweet little heart.
Tonight, we were on the way home from the park and he asked if we could stop at the cemetery. He said he wanted to "check on Shyla and Jakin's graves". We pulled in and he walked up to their tiny little plots next to each other and he bent over and began to clean the grass off their foot stones. He IS their big brother. He IS caring for them the best way he knows how. I just wanted to start bawling at this point. How many five year olds want to check on their siblings graves? He dusted off the rocks then went behind their stone and cleaned the foot stone of my uncle who unexpectedly passed away in February, then he checked on my Grandpa's foot stone. He is a servant to the core.
I feel like I'm rambling a little, but it's good to be back here. Writing about these feelings. I pour them out to the Lord, but letting the words flow from my fingers, to the keys, to the screen, is therapeutic.
Pray for us this week. Three years is kind of hard to think about...