Friday, October 2, 2009

...And then I smiled.

Today is the 2nd! 
Shyla's would have been one month today, so after a relaxing morning at home, we stopped at the cemetary.  As soon as we pulled up to the back gate of the cemetary Ethan said, "See Shyla?" Ben and I looked at each other and then to the carseat where Ethan sat.
"Did you tell him where we were going?" I asked Ben.
"No, did you?"
I just smiled, we both know we didn't tell him. He just knew. And as we walked to her small grave, Ethan almost running, he said, "Happy Birthday Shyla!"  God knows just how to comfort us doesn't He?  If ever there has been a time when we recognize how close He is to the brokenhearted is has been through the observations and comments made by our son over the past month.  We had mentioned to him early in the morning that today was Shyla's 1 month birthday, mainly because he just loves any reason to sing the birthday song, but I never imagined he would really remember or understand what we were doing today.

Her plot looks so small.  Someone had brought some pink and white flowers and placed them by her marker.  We brought a small bronze dragonfly garden decoration and placed it there (I will explain the signifigance of the dragonfly later) and after a few moments, we just looked at each other and knew it was time to go.  We turned to make our way back to the van, but when Ethan realized we were going to leave, he turned to run back saying, "No, see Shyla...see Shyla!"  He didn't want to leave.  He tried running back to her grave, but Ben picked him up and hugged him and we walked on to the van.  He was ok after that, but obviously he was not as ready to go as we were. 

We dropped him off with his Nana and made our way to Somerset for my 4 week post partum check-up.  We must have been anxious because we were there a hour before our appointment so we decided to go to the Christian Bookstore and look around.  We found a book called, I'll Hold You In Heaven, by Jack Hayford and decided to buy it.  It is referenced several times in a devotion we have, so I thought it would be good to read.  While I was browsing, I also saw a Bible case that had Phil. 4:13 stitched on the front with Ladybugs and Dragonflies scattered around the scripture.  That was my God wink today.  If any of you know me, you know that ladybugs are kind of my symbol.  I have collected them since I was young and anytime a close friend sees one, they automatically think of me.  Well, dragonflies are Shyla's bug.  But that is another post entirely.  On to the appointment.

It was odd being back in the office.  The last time I was there was the day before the surgery to deliver Shyla.  I saw on the ultrasound screen, lying there, motionless and thought that I may never smile again.  But I have.  I smiled today in that same office. 

The Dr. said I was healing beautifully.  Everything looked great.  Then he brought out all the tests results.  He listed each one.  Which after a minute just began to sound like, "Blah blah blah...Negative....Blah blah blah...Negative..."  I had been negative for any medical cause for my baby to not be here today...until...

"You tested positive as a carrier for Factor V (five) Leiden." found a cause?  I had become fully prepared to accept the fact that I would never know a medical reason why Shyla died.  Ben and I prayed before we went into the office today that whatever would bring Him glory is what we wanted.  Knowing or not.

The doctor went on to explain that Factor V is a genetic blood clotting disorder that is often found for the first time during pregnancy.  He explained that usually when stillbirths occur and the mother is positive for Factor V, a blood clot probably formed in the placenta or umbilical cord and usually a taking a bloodthinner in a subsequent pregnancy could amost guarantee having a successful outcome to pregnancy.  He also said that having this clotting disorder, if not detected in pregnancy, is usually not found until it causes a major problem such as stroke or pulmonary embolism (where a clot travels to the lungs or the right side of the heart).  Thats when it hit me...

Shyla could have just saved my life...AND...she saved the life of her future sibling(s)!

Wow.  Talk about being blessed by Shyla Joy. 

And then I smiled.

To read more about Factor V Leiden from the Mayo Clinic's website, click here.


Jessica said...

Hello I am here from LFCA. I lost my son at 18 weeks three months ago and was just diagnosed with Leiden V Factor myself. Trying to figure out what it all means. *hugs* I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Shyla.

Erin said...

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I also have a blood clotting disorder. I took blood thinners during my pregnancy after the disorder was discovered. I wish you joy in whatever your future holds.

Michele said...

There is a great book called "To Full Term". The writer lost 3 babies to Factor V & IC and she goes into detail about her pregnancy with her son, for which she makes it to full term.

Remembering your beautiful daughter with you today. I often think that my sweet babies saved their siblings. It is a comforting thought even amidst the heartache.

From LFCA...