Monday, September 19, 2011

Shyla's 2nd

Shyla's 2nd birthday in Heaven was just a little over 2 weeks ago. The day was a blur and I don't really feel like I did a great job doing things for her this year, but it was all a little over whelming.

My dad was still in the hospital from his biopsy he had had the Tuesday and my brother and his family had driven in from Oklahoma City, so we were going to try to get to the hospital early.  We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town and brought our girl some roses.

My Mom had gotten the dragonfly and we placed it between Shyla and Jakin's stones.  There is the large one with pink wings then there are smaller ones with blue wings and pink butterflies that you can't see real well in the photo.

Ethan still likes to go to "Shyla and Jakin's" as he calls it.  He has never called it a cemetery and I know he has heard us refer to it as one.

I made pink cupcakes and took them to my Mom's house to share with everyone and we went to the hospital to see my Dad.  He was in the CVU, so we could only go back to see him a couple of people at a time and kids weren't allowed back, so we took turns and played with the kids in the waiting room.

Dad was released that night about 6 and we ran a couple of errands and ate dinner together.

I know it's been two years and I know it makes people sad, but compared to last year, no one really mentioned her (besides other loss moms on fb and a few other close friends on my fb page).  The first year I said what I wanted to say and grieved openly.  The 2nd year, I was pregnant with Jakin, lost Jakin and started the adoption process.  I don't feel like I can grieve as vocally as before.  Like people expect me not to talk about her any more.  I mean, I know it was a terribly busy day and dad being in the hospital, getting his cancer diagnosis a few days earlier, labor day weekend, family traveling in from out of state, but I felt like I didn't do a good job remembering her and if I don't, who will?

Maybe I will do better next year.  Maybe not.  Maybe this is just part of the journey is letting go a little more every year  I just really dislike feeling like she is forgotten already and I don't know what this 3rd year of grief holds for me.

I guess that's why C.S. Lewis said that grief is a lot like suspense.

But I also believe that is why God tells us that He is our refuge and strength, our counselor, our hope...He is.  Not anyone else.  Just him.  Not just during the first year of grief, but all the days of my life.

"The Lord has sent me to bind up the comfort all who mourn and provide for those who bestow beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a Spirit of despair."

~ Isaiah 61:1-3 and quoted by Jesus in Luke 4:18

No matter what and no matter how long it's been He is Emanuel.

God is with us.

 El Shaddai.

All Sufficient.

I have to just remind myself as time goes by, whether others speak her name or not, God is with us and is all I need.  


Carolyn M said...

Mattie, Please know that Shyla is not forgotten. Neither is Jakin. Nor will they ever be. You are a wonderful mother to all of your babies. Every time you see a dragonfly, you will remember your precious daughter. We love you and your family very much. We are always praying for you.

Lisette said...

Shyla is never forgotten, please don't think she has been. Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers. Things have been a little hectic for me and I don't often post but know you are not forgotten. I am glad you were able to do a little something on her special day but I can also relate to the feeling of people not remembering as much. You are an amazing mommy and do you are doing such a great job. God bless you always ((HUGS)).

Heidi said... have every right to shout from the rooftops your grief.

I am so sorry momma!!!!!!!!

Sarita Boyette said...

Mattie, I know things were busy this year with your dad's diagnosis and all that was going on. You celebrated her day the best you could, given the situation. I understand the way family & friends may not mention your babies and it is hurtful. We BLMs tend to stick together, and I hope that our love helps somewhat.

brigette said...

Hugs mama! I will never forget shyla or Jakin. I think of you often and how strong of a mama you are. Lots of love !

Amanda said...

Many hugs to you..I know how you feel..people act like you shouldn't be grieving anymore and like we should just be over it...Sure life has gone on, but they are still our children and we will never forget them no matter what..I am just so sorry for all that you have going on right now..Many prayers for you.

Anonymous said...

I completely get it and also feel that people expect me to be "over it" by now. It's just hard. Your remembrance looks just perfect.

Anonymous said...

I completely get it and also feel that people expect me to be "over it" by now. It's just hard. Your remembrance looks just perfect.

Holly said...

Mattie, I love you! <3

I know what it is like to feel like they've been forgotten. It sucks. But we both know that we'll never forget them and God never will and that is most important. You had so much going on around Shyla's bday and you did what you could even though in your heart you wanted more. And really would whatever we do ever feel like enough?

I think her flowers are beautiful and both her and Jakin's graves are decorated beautifully. I def see the love there.

And I do think of both of your babies often and you too! :) and I think to myself I can't wait to see Mattie again.

Katrina said...

I just read your story and a few of the posts about your sweet Shyla and Jakin. I want you to know that I've said a prayer for your two babies in Heaven, and for your family here on earth.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no way to "get over" such a loss. As mothers, I believe we are tied to our children with such a strong bond, that nothing - not even death- can break it. To say for us "to get over" such a loss is impossible. How would we ever get over a piece of us that is missing? Your babies - all of them - are a part of your family no matter where they live, be it here on earth or in Heaven. I lost two little ones at the end of the first trimesters, both near the 11th week, and those sweet babies will always be in my heart and are a part of our family. I will hold them one day, and they will know me.

You are a very strong mother and I admire you so much. God bless you :)