Shyla's Collage

Thank you so much to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for this beautiful reminder of my baby girl.

Mute

I feel a bit speechless the past few days.  Words want to come.  So many words.  But when I open my mouth (or touch the keyboard) nothing comes.  Maybe I'm a bit like Zechariah.  I know God can do amazing things through my life to give glory to Him, but at times, my big mouth might get in the way.  Zechariah's mouth was shut by God so he did not mess up during Elizabeth's pregnancy with John.  He doubted, so he became mute.  Maybe God has got the mute button on my mouth right now so I can't nay say what he is planning to birth.  I can feel something brewing inside me and new opportunities have been presented to me.  A door has been opened and I am really hoping this is what I have been praying for.  Sorry to be so vague, it's just that things aren't really clear yet and I do not want my mouth to speak where it has no authority to speak and I don't want to underestimate what God can do.  So for now, I will sit and wait on the Lord until he sees fit to let me speak these things. 
I know that God can and will make beauty from ashes and I feel like I am watching this process before my very eyes.

Shyla's Stocking

Today is December 1.  Tomorrow will be 3 months since we said good-bye to our little girl. 

Christmas is my favorite time of year and I have been searching for a way to keep it that way, even in the midst of our pain.  I found this wonderful idea from another mom whose little boy is in Heaven and was really inspired to do the same thing she did the first Christmas without her baby.  The following is a letter I have sent to facebook friends, and will send to family in Chirstmas cards and email to other friends.  Please read, and if you feel so inspired, participate.  I know a lot of you are remembering your angels this Christmas, so feel free to do the same in memory of your precious child.

Dear Friends,


First, let me thank you all for your love, support and prayers over the past year. Thank you for sharing in the excitement of our pregnancy and in the sorrow of our loss. We know each one of you felt our pain during the loss of Shyla. We celebrate her life and, like a stone tossed into a pond, are now seeing some of the far reaching ripples of the donations made in her name to the Pregnancy HELP Center.

As the holidays are approaching, we are excited to spend time with family and friends and watching the excitement in Ethan’s eyes just overwhelms our hearts sometimes. But, we still feel the need to remember our daughter this Christmas. We have a little pink stocking, but really don't want to see it hang empty, so we have decided to enlist all of you to help us.
All that we ask is that sometime between now and Christmas, do something nice for someone, no matter how small or large. It doesn't have to involve money--just commit a random act of kindness. When you do it, think of Shyla and dedicate that act her. You can even leave a note saying, “This random act of kindness was done in memory of Shyla Joy", but you don’t have to. Please write down your act of kindness and send it to me through e-mail (at scattercreativejoy@gmail.com) and put “Shyla’s Stocking” in the subject line or slip a note into your Christmas cards to us. I won't read it. I will print it out the emails and put it in her stocking. Then, on Christmas morning, we will open up all the notes and read them. Feel free to share this request with your other friends and family and forward to your facebook contacts, but even if only a few of you do this, we will have a really beautiful thing to share on Christmas in our sweet baby's memory and someone else (the recipient of your kindness) will benefit by a true example of the spirit of Christmas. I will pray that all of us will be struck by inspiration, that something will come to each of us, some kindness that we can share of ourselves, in Shyla’s name and in her memory, to benefit someone else.

Thank you so much for your participation and your continued love and support,

Ben, Mattie and Ethan


For idea’s and inspiration for random acts of kindness, visit http://www.missfoundation.org/kindness/ideas.html

To read about how other moms remember their children spending Christmas with Jesus this year, visit Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace. 

Thankful in EVERY remembrance!

Let me begin by saying that today was my due date.  The original one.  My Doc said the 23 after a few ultrasounds, but this is always the day I felt the closest to.  I was so excited to see our daughter would be due Thanksgiving Day.  Of course I knew she would be scheduled the week before, but just something about this day just really made my heart hover here for the due date. 
As this day has gotten closer I have dreaded it.  I have mourned it before it was even here, but today, I decided to look at this a different way.  BE THANKFUL!  Duh, right? It was so obvious!  This was her day because I am reminded to be thankful!  Thankful in every remembrance of her.  Thankful for my pregnancy and for the time I got to share with her.  Thankful that I have such a wonderful husband, who just happens to be such a wonderful Father as well.  Thankful for such an amazing son. Thankful for such a miracle of a daughter.

So, by now, you are either rejoicing with me or raising your eyebrow in question of how miraculous a baby that does not live and breathe outside her mother's womb can be.  Well, I will tell you.  She lived, so I live.  She lived, so her future siblings can live.  She lived so that others could see the power of God's love, JOY and faithfulness in and through our lives.  She was a miracle.  She is an inspiration.  I am inspired to reach out to others in their time of grief and comfort them with the comfort I have been given (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
So yes, while I am sad that I am not holding my daughter in my arms today.  And I am sad that this will be the last date to look "forward" (as in to the future) to.  And while the Thanksgiving I invinsioned a mere 12 weeks ago now looks completely different I hope that I can sufficiently say Thank You to my God, my Father and my Comforter.

So today and always, I will thank God in every remembrance of her, my beautiful Shyla Joy!

Goodbye, dear friend.

We (my family) have had to say goodbye to a dear friend, no, he was more like a family member.  Pepsi, a beautful Siamese cat that has lived for fouteen years in the care of my mother and siblings is gone.  We got Pepsi when I was in the 6th grade.  I remember sitting in my classroom and bragging to all of my peers about what a beautiful and fun kitten my mom had brough home to us. 

Pepsi had a very unique personality.  He was comical sometimes and serious others.  Growing up, I was know as his "squeak toy" because he would hide and unexpectedly jump out at me.  He would climb my leg, or bite my toe or do anything that would get a little squeal out of me.  It was all playful and funny after the shock of the "attack" was gone.

While Pepsi lived with my mom, I still saw him almost everyday.  Mom babysits Ethan while I work and I have to say that Ethan and he had quite the friendship.  Ethan's "chore" everyday was to let Pepsi out of "his" room.  Ethan would hardly eat breakfast until he let Pepsi out.  I don't know how he is going to handle going to that room and not seeing him there.  I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Pepsi always knew when I felt bad.  He would just cuddle up in my lap and stay for as long as I needed him.  Especially through my pregnancies.  He really wanted to lay directly on my belly.  Even before I knew I was pregnant, he would become more affectionate to me.  I think he may have even known when we lost Shyla.  On the Friday before we knew what had happened, I came to my Mom's after work to pick up Ethan and Pepsi walked up to me as usual.  He hopped up on the couch beside me and sniffed me a little.  I was anticipating him trying to nudge his way onto my lap, but he didn't.  Suddenly, he laid back his ears, hissed and smacked at me a couple times before running away.  He had never done that before to me and had not since.  Do you think he sensed something was wrong?

Pepsi had been sick for a couple weeks.  He had just stopped eating.  Mom had taken him to the vet a few times and at first they were hopeful some meds would help him.  But then they believe his kidneys started failing.  Pepsi was a big cat, but since he started getting sick, he lost a lot of weight.  He stopped cleaning his fur and we could tell he was getting weaker.

Ben had to work late lastnight, so Ethan and I spent some time at Mom's house.  I tried to get on the laptop to check my email, facebook and a few things, but Pepsi came over to where I was sitting and tried to jump up in my lap.  I knew he was having a hard time, so I put the laptop away and helped him up.  He curled up there and purred off and on for two hours.  Every once in a while, he was stretch his paw out, as if to hug me, and look up to my face.  I knew he would not be with us much longer.

It will be so sad not having him around.  The presence of a pet is so comforting to a sad soul and the loss of a such a pet is so hard.  I know some people may be thinking, "he was just a cat", but to me he was a dear friend.

These are pictures from Christmas 2008

Counting backwards.

When parents bring a healthy new baby into this world, they begin counting.  They count months.  They count milestones.  They count birthdays.  They count forwards. 
When parents don't bring their baby home, they count too.  They count days, weeks, months, since they last held them in their arms.  They count moments they are missing.  They count "angelversaries", or "anniversaries" or "angeldays".  They count backwards.
Today was the last due date given by my doctor.  It is here.  There is just one more day to look forward (as in looking to the future) to.  The first due date that we were given, and the one my husband and I recognize is this Thursday.  Thanksgiving Day.  We will be counting that day too.  Counting how many ways we are blessed because our daughter lived.  Counting how many people have been blessed by her short life.  Counting the many many many ways God has blessed our lives. 
After Thursday, it all goes backwards again.  No more "what should have been" dates.  Now there are only "what there are dates".  I pray that there are more blessings to come and that we never forget how blessed we are.  Even when we are counting backwards.

This is what you would see, if you Googled Me.

This week is International Comment Leaving Week in the blogosphere.  As a participant I am supposed to leave comments on a certain number of blog posts and that has really made me explore new blogs.  I was visiting missusgamgee and thought it looked like fun!  What you do is answer the following random sample questions by searching Goggle Images for the answers.  The only rule is that you have to link back to the blog where you found it.  So, for any of you from ICLW, this is me through the eyes of Google...

Where I live-On the banks of Lake Cumberland

Where I work - At School

My Hobby- Scrapbooking

Favorite Beverage- Mocha

Favorite Food- (at the moment) Any kind of good Fondue

First Car- 1993 Cavalier

Celebrity Look alike- At lease this is what hubby says (I just love him!)

Childhood Toy- Play Doh

Random Picture- Pink Dragonfly!

So, there we go.  A random sample of Me, through the eyes of Google.  I hope all my blogging friends enjoy this ICLW!  Have a great week!