Sunday, March 14, 2010

Am I the Only One...

Who struggled with this?


I was okay until I got to this point...


Person 4.
And had to leave it blank.

I know the purpse of the Census is to count those living in your home.  But she is still family, living or not.

I have had two instances where her absence has been felt.  Completely random times.  Like yesterday, I glanced in the rearview mirror to check on Ethan and just naturally looking to his left.  Where her carseat would have been.  I wasn't thinking about her really before that, but suddenly her absence was felt.  We never had a carseat in that seat, but it was like my mind just thought there should have been.  And of course, I cried a little just at missing her, but more becuase of how frustratingly random grief can be.  I'm fine, enjoying myself even, and then BOOM!  I'm hit with something that surprises me.

Most of my days are good.  But I am getting more comments now than I expected that are, what I consider, a little inconsiderate.  By people who know me.  Know what I have been through.  Expecting me to just "be over it" by now.  I wish there were someway to communicate that I wont just wake up one morning and decide I'm done grieving.  And honestly, even if I could, I don't know if I would want to.  My grief has been the catalyst towards greater intimacy with Christ than I have ever known.  It has thrown me into this world that I was so ignorant of and led me to reach out to others and be a support and a prayer.  This is a ministry.  We have a ministry of tears.  God understands that when no one else does.

And that's good enough for me. 

5 comments:

michelle hendrix-swords said...

when we did taxes this year i had a moment like that. xavier was stillborn at 18 weeks and therefore doesn't count? he doesn't count to the government. it surely doesn't make my days any easier to have those moments.

Jessica said...

I am just waiting for that time to come. We file our taxes next weekend and Jonathan would have been full term in December last year and our census should be coming any day now. *hugs*

I am sorry that people in your life have been so inconsiderate. People are so clueless unless they have been through it themselves. *hugs*

Maggie said...

All this census talk did have me thinking of that. Just another thing that hits you that you wouldn't expect. I'm sorry people are expecting you to be "over it" now. A lot of people seem to think after a few weeks you are healed. That's very far from the truth. (((HUGS)))

Beth said...

i had trouble with that too... yes. yet another slap in the face...

Heather said...

I have been dreading doing the census for this very reason. We recently had to fill out another form that asked for children, and were faced with the decision of how to answer, because the form was for church, and clearly looking for living children. *sigh* and *hugs*