Saturday, June 11, 2011

God Knows

I've not been around this blog in a while.  I guess I needed a break and I didn't even know it.  We've been living life and experiencing some changes and trying to get all settled in.  I changed jobs and let me just!  I love how I spend my days! 

Let me preface this by saying that I loved my job at the school I worked at.  I loved the people and I couldn't have asked for a better place to have been over the past 3 years.  But, 2 of the past three years have been difficult.  I feel like my first year there, I was the most productive and I knew what I was doing and excited about it.  I was pregnant with my 2nd child and working a great job and just living the "perfect" life.  The beginning of my 2nd year there is when Shyla went to Heaven.  I went back to work after 6 weeks, but it took much, much longer for my brain to catch up.  I couldn't concentrate, I was forgetful, tired, distracted.  I know I wasn't the best employee I could have been, but I do think I did the best I could.  At the end of that year, we worked out to shorted my contract and not work the full 187 day school year, but drop to 131 days so I could have more days for Dr appts and maternity leave when we were able to get pregnant again.  I found out I was pregnant the first week of school of my 3rd year.  I wasn't technically full time and I now feel like that hindered my effectiveness, but I did ok.  We lost Jakin the week of Thanksgiving.  I missed over 6 weeks this time due to Holidays and snow days.  Again, coming back to work was hard.  Doing this 2 times in a little over a year was really hard.  Ben and I even talked about me not going back to the school at that point because it was so hard.  I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't myself.   

I really didn't need to get into all that!  But all of that to say this...God knew how much I needed this change.  It has nothing to do with the job itself or the people there, but I can't be in that school without thinking about my pregnancies and going back to work after both my losses.  I remember bumping into a door in a certain hallway after returning back to work after loosing Shyla and grabbing my stomach like I was still pregnant.  The desk I sat at and felt for movement the day I had a feeling she was gone was the same desk I returned to twice.  While there, I had to put all of this in the back of my mind.  And it's not like it was the only thing on my mind.  (I know some one reading this is thinking I probably need help.  And yup, your right, but God is taking care of me.  He is still healing the broken places.) 

Definitely something to remember when you’re down…With my parents passing within a year of each other for crappy reasons {what kinda reason isn’t crappy anyway?} I thought for sure the world was crashing in on me.  Heavy. 2008-2009 sucked the life out of me.  2010 was about coming back, 2011 shall be about really MAKING THINGS HAPPEN.
For now, Happy New Years!  To a new year filled with passion, joy, health, prosperity, kindness, and LOVE!

For those of you who have not been in my shoes, it's kind of like if someone you love has died in a car crash and the feelings you get when you have to drive past that spot in the road.  That feeling never really goes away either.  Sometimes you might even go out of your way to avoid driving on that road because the feeling it gives you, even if the road itself has beautiful scenery and an easier drive.  Well, I didn't avoid going to work, but sometimes it was hard to mentally "go there".  I didn't quit, and infact, I was hoping to still be there through at least October, but God knew what I needed.  The grant that funded my position was a three year grant and the three years are up.  There was a possibility for an extension, but God closed that door for me.

My last day at the school was on a Friday and I started something new on the following Tuesday.  I hate to even call this new thing "work".  Because I have never "worked" anywhere where we start the day with prayer, Christian radio is on the whole time, I can pray with the clients and I feel so at home.  Three days a week I am blessed to be a part of the local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  The name of the center is the HELP Center (which means Holding Every Life Precious, how awesome is that!).  The other staff and volunteers are all awesome, beautiful women with such amazing hearts!  In my time there, I facilitate the one on one pregnancy education classes and parenting classes for our clients, go through clothing donations, and whatever else needs to be done (like killing the random wasp and washing donated clothing items).  It never feels like work, because I do believe it is more of a ministry.  I just can't even tell you how wonderful (and healing) it is to be there. 

I just keep being amazing at how God knows.  He has always known exactly what I need and when I need it.  He knows the lessons I need to learn and He knows when I need a break.  He knows.  My new mantra might just have to be His plan, His timing, He knows.  I think I'm He is really trying to teach me this now!


elena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elena said...

I can understand and relate to this post. I love my job as well, but I also have glimpses when I walk in familiar places where I was pregnant with Lilly and it just overwhelms me at times. I'm glad that you were able to find a new job that you love just as much as your old one, but with a new beginning as far as not having to face the same triggers daily. <3hugs<3 and I do believe God definitely knows what he's doing up there, even though sometimes its hard to see that through the tears

Holly said...

This is proof that God is always watching out for us! I'm just so happy for you that you have such a wonderful and amazing job. :) Such a great place to be and to minister! I know you will be such a great help there.

But yeah, I know what you mean about the reminders. The analogy of the car crash is a good one b/c it's just like that.

Tim and Carissa Wix said...

I needed to hear that! "HIs plan, His time, He knows."

Thanks Mattie!

Melissa said...

What an amazing new job, that sounds do wonderful!!!

Radiant Readhead said...

Oh Mattie! i am so glad that God has blessed you with this amazing job/ministry!! It sounds like it fits you VERY well! He does know what He is doing, even if we questio it at time:-) HUGS and love your way!!

Megan said...

I think we all need time away from the blog. Even for as helpful as they can be. Sometimes, it is good just to be reflective with God in our own thoughts. Glad to hear your beautiful words again, and I am so glad you are enjoying your new job! <3

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I love how God works...His ways are not our ways, but they are WAY better than the paths we would choose for ourselves. So happy that you are loving your work! Love that He is doing a new thing...