Sunday, January 2, 2011

16 Months...He is close...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalms 34:18

It has now been 16 months since my dear girl was in my arms.

It's harder now to count the months and truely discribe them accurately.  Yes, it has been 16 months since I held Shyla, but since Jakin joined her in Heaven, its harder to discern new grief from old there is any difference at all.

I have described grief as coming in waves (as have many other bereaved parents).  And that holds true still.  One wave may be grief of not having my only daughter to hold and make girly things for.  Then another will hit about not still being pregnant with my rainbow and not experiencing a miracle the way I wanted.  Then yet another wave will hit...just wanting my babies back.  Wanting ALL my babies together.  This is the wave I feel most often.

But I do just have to take comfort in knowing that someday I will. 

I have always wanted to write about the grief I am experiencing in time frames.  One month, two months...but now...this grief is not alone.  I can't just separate the grief of loosing her from the grief of loosing him.  They are separate...but they are not.  If that makes any sense at all.  So, while I still may write every 2nd of the month and think of her and every 24th and think of him...they are together in this grief as much as they would be together as part of my earthly joy if they were here together.


Antoinette said...

((hugs)) I am approaching my 1yr mark for Alyssa in february. Each month I say its been ____since you been gone. Last month i touched my first double digits (10) and I wrote how I wondered when do you stop writing how long, i thought how hard is it to see these numbers 'higher'....and yet whether i wrote it or not, its etched in my heart forever!!

Im praying for you and wishing all your babies were HERE with you too. I also wonder about missing out on the girlie things...not that i am so girlie..but there are many things a little girl and her momma do together that a son just does not do IE: manis n pedis...dresses....I mean we are blessed, but we are always missing something...xoxo

Sarita Boyette said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarita Boyette said...

I'll be thinking of you and praying. This must be incredibly hard. xoxo

Melissa Joy said...

I hear you about being unable to separate your griefs. I really deal with that. I don't know whether I like it this way or not. But it's how it is. Thank you for putting it into words.
All seven of my babies in heaven are separate... yet they are not.
God bless you.

crystal theresa said...

i feel the same way about old and new grief - they've just all merged into one big heavy pile of sadness in my heart. even when i lost Rainbow, it was grief over Calvin all over again. wishing peace for you today and always.

Marie W said...

BIg HUGS Mattie. Keeping you and hubby in prayer.