I missed posting yesterday. I was a mess most of the morning. I guess I've just had too much going on and when I finally had a moment to sit still for a moment...the fatigue, aggrivation and hurt of a few different things kind of overwhelmed me. But here I am today...cleaning house, laundry, back to the everyday stuff.
So, I'm going to post day 15 today and catch back up to day 17 tomorrow. So I guess I should just call this a 29 day blog challenge...
Today's topic is "My dreams".
My literal dreams are usually odd or traumatic. When I was about 13 I started having terrible, vivid, frightening and even gory dreams. They felt so real and terrifying. I often woke up crying or so afraid I couldn't move or make a noise. My mom got concerned and she took me to a Doctor that treated with herbs and he suggested pumpkin seed oil capsules. Believe it or not...they really helped. The dreams stopped and I eventually stopped taking the herbs. But still, every once in a while, I will have one of those terrifying waking-up-in-tears dreams.
The July before Shyla went to Heaven I had a bad dream. In my dream my husband died, or got killed, it wasn't really clear which. The whole dream was long and drawn out and pretty much started with an officer notifying me of his death and then what happens from there. I mean details. From going to the funeral home to make arrangements, to picking out his clothes, to the day-to-day life after he was gone and how things were so different. When I first woke up, still in the place between asleep and awak, it was like I heard a very kind voice say, "This was not to scare you, it was to prepare you" That's when I lost it. I began bawling and shaking and it woke up my husband. I was so torn up, I couldn't even talk.
This dream still haunts me. Was God trying to prepare me for what would happen in jsut a matter of a few weeks?
I had another dream while I was pregnant with Shyla. This it kind of complicated. I had gotten word that my dad was very sick, near death, and being kept at a hospital. For some reason, I decided to walk to where he was from I was staying. It was raining and it was in a residential part of a city. I crossed the street and started walking up a steep hill glancing in the windows of houses as I walked. Then I passed one house and saw my half-sister's mother sitting at a table facing the window looking at what seemed to be a scrapbook. She looked up and apparently recognized me. She waved at me and motioned for me to go to the door. As I walked to the door, I passed another window in the same house and saw a little girl with dark hair and freckles sitting in a different room coloring. She looked up and saw me and smiled a huge smile and waved. I waved back and didn't think anything about it. The woman let me in and told me she had something to show me. She showed me the scrapbook that had pictures of my dad in it. Most of them were pictures I had never seen before in real life, but I could tell they were my dad. There were even a few I know I had seen before. After a few minutes, I started wondering about that little girl and noticed that we didn't pass a door way that would have went into what looked like the room she was in. We kept looking at pictures and then I saw one of my dad and my half-sister when she was young and I knew the little girl I had seen coloring through the window was my sister. I ran back through the hallway where I had entered looking for the room I had seen her in, but I just couldn't find it or her. This is where I woke up bawling.
My sister and I weren't really close, but I just found out I was pregnant with Ethan (and hadn't even had the chance to tell my mom) when she died. It has always bothered me I never got to tell her that for some reason. I actually ended up telling my dad on the day of my sisters funeral.
These are the two dreams that stick out to me the most from when I was pregnant. I have had many dreams since Shyla went to Heaven, and sadly, most of them were nightmares.
I wish so badly I could dream of her being alive and well. I want to see her in Heaven. Perfect and playing. I want to dream of what color eyes she has and if she would have had the gentle personality I thought she would. I guess I'll just have to wait until Heaven to know some things.