Friday, November 18, 2011

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I woke up at 4:00 this morning.  And I couldn't go back to sleep.  First my mind went to some Christmas gifts I need to make.  Then on to my to-do-list today. Then I couldn't help it going where it has been going lots lately.  To my littlest child.  Jakin's first birthday in Heaven is next week.  I grieve that I feel like we will not celebrate his life the same way we did Shyla's.  We had a beautiful celebration for her 1st.  Jakin's first is on Thanksgiving Day.  I know it wont happen.  I know there will be very few that think to speak his name that day.  
I laid there this morning and asked my husband a "why" question.  I knew he wouldn't have the answer...and I really give an honest effort to stay away from the "why"s.  I asked him "Why did he have to die at Thanksgiving? Isn't it enough we buried two of our children?  Shyla's original due date was Thanksgiving too. Double whammy.
I'm having a harder time being at peace now than I was when we were approaching Shyla's first.  I wish I could keep from comparing them.  But I can't help it.  Don't we all try to treat our children fairly?  What we do for one, do for the other(s)...
I really need some prayers to help me focus on God and his peace right now.  I know that those things can be found only in Him.  I need His strength, and I need him to carry me through.  I have no doubt He is near, but sometimes the grief is just stronger than others.  
And now is one of those times.

5 comments:

Natasha said...

Definitely praying for your strength Mattie.....Thanksgiving is hard for me too as Aiden's due date was Thanksgiving last year. Will be thinking of you and your little guy that day....xoxo

lost--for--words said...

Thinking of you so much. Please know that Shyla and Jakin will definately be on my mind in the coming days and weeks. I wish I could ease your pain... I know too well how difficult it is to find peace at times, and I do hope that those around you will speak Jakin's name. One of the most painful things we could have to face as bereaved parents is that those around us don't hold onto our babies' memories the way we do. It hurts to the core when they are forgotten and this has affected so many relationships in my life.... (((hugs)))

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

It is always amazing and somewhat surprising to me that I have mommy guilt over the babies that are not here...just like I do for my living (on earth) children. Crazy that mommy guilt...crazy strong. Please know that Jakin will be remembered on Thanksgiving...and know you are loved and prayed for as the day approaches.

Melissa said...

Thinking of you as we get closer to his birthday ... I am right there with you.

Holly said...