I woke up at 4:00 this morning. And I couldn't go back to sleep. First my mind went to some Christmas gifts I need to make. Then on to my to-do-list today. Then I couldn't help it going where it has been going lots lately. To my littlest child. Jakin's first birthday in Heaven is next week. I grieve that I feel like we will not celebrate his life the same way we did Shyla's. We had a beautiful celebration for her 1st. Jakin's first is on Thanksgiving Day. I know it wont happen. I know there will be very few that think to speak his name that day.
I laid there this morning and asked my husband a "why" question. I knew he wouldn't have the answer...and I really give an honest effort to stay away from the "why"s. I asked him "Why did he have to die at Thanksgiving? Isn't it enough we buried two of our children? Shyla's original due date was Thanksgiving too. Double whammy.
I'm having a harder time being at peace now than I was when we were approaching Shyla's first. I wish I could keep from comparing them. But I can't help it. Don't we all try to treat our children fairly? What we do for one, do for the other(s)...
I really need some prayers to help me focus on God and his peace right now. I know that those things can be found only in Him. I need His strength, and I need him to carry me through. I have no doubt He is near, but sometimes the grief is just stronger than others.
And now is one of those times.