Breath of Heaven

A dear friend of mine emailed me the you.tube link to this song and I could hardly listen to it at the time.  We have had the radio on most of the day today and it just played again.  These words resonate to me more than ever.  I was chosen to carry my son.  I sometimes wonder if a wiser one should have taken my place.  I do offer all I am now, for the mercy of His plan and I am calling on the breath of Heaven to pour over me. 

Breath of Heaven

(Amy Grant)

I have traveled

Many moonless night

Cold and Weary

With a babe inside

And I wonder

What I've done

Holy Father

You have come

Chosen me now

To carry your son

I am waiting

in a silent prayer

I am frightened

by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone

Be with me now

Be with me now

Breath of Heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me, your Holiness

For your holy

Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder

As you watch my face

If a wiser one, should of had my place

But I offer-all I am

For the mercy-of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me

Perfect

Those perfect little hands have left an imprint on our hearts.

Jakin was  is perfect.  His ten prefect fingers and ten perfect toes were more beautiful than I could have imagined.  His ears were tiny and perfect, just like the rest of him.  Like I mentioned in his birth story, the shape of his perfect fingernails reminded me of his brother.

Jakin is now even more perfect than what I have seen with my own eyes.  He is perfect and healed in every way. 

Another Families Loss

There is a family that lives in the same town we do who lost their first child to Factor V Leiden.  The same reason we lost Shyla.  They had their rainbow in August.  I asked you to be praying for them this Tuesday.  Well, their sweet baby girl went to Heaven on Wednesday.  She and I have talked about how much we have in common and now there is even more.  We both lost our rainbow babies due to a heart issue on the same day.  Please be in prayer for this family as they walk this road again.

Arrangements Made

Today, Ben, Ethan and I spent the morning in bed talking and cuddling.  I can't believe how blessed I am to have this little blonde bundle of energy!  He asked again why I don't have the baby in my belly anymore.  We talked to him about it again, simple and honest.  We asked if he wanted to send balloons to him like he did Shyla and of course he said yes.

We got it together and went to the funeral home to complete Jakin's arrangements.  You can go here to see the full arrangement details.  We decided to have a short visitation before the service.  Visitation will start at 2:00pm est on Sunday and the funeral will be at 3:00. 

The funeral home has been so great to us.  Working on every little detail.  When Shyla died, we pretty much made all the arrangements from the hospital.  I had a c-section and was in the hospital for three days.  They communicated with us well and were so kind to donate most of their services.  The one thing I regreted is I never saw the inside of the casket she was buried in.  I know that may sound morbid, but I always wondered what it looked like.  Today, that question was answered.  We are using the same small white casket and the funeral director let us see what it looked like.  How the small blue pillow will be placed and now I just won't have that question in my head any longer. 

When we got there, they had already pulled Shyla's file and looked at how we worded her obituary and had a draft of Jakin's typed up with the major changes already made.  He just made sure the surviving relatives were still the same and we worked out the details of the service.

We talked with him about a setting up a memorial fund. Not for us, but for helping begin a resource lending library for families who experience loss.  Donations made would be used to purchase books that can be checked out, like at a library.  I knew the funeral home was undergoing some renovations and the director was nice enough to show us around.  He said he was hoping to get something like that started and he even showed us the area where the lending library could be.  We talked about how it might be set up and about many other things, but over all, if there is such a thing as a good experience at a  funeral home, the staff and director here, made sure we had one.  They have went above and beyond what we should expect.

After we left the funeral home, we went to the florist.  Let me just add that this is a small town and word spreads quick.  The florist we are using is the same one we used with Shyla and the same one I purchased an empty saddle frame to make Shyla's Memorial Day arrangement.

Anyway, when we walked in, the owner came around the counter and hugged me.  She told me how sorry she was and how things just don't make sense.  Believe it or not, I was fine through the funeral home, but that is what did it, I did all I could to hold back tears.  She got me a chair ( she must have been able to tell I was sore by how gently I walked in the door).  We talked about what kind of flowers we wanted and she brought out some samples for us to look at.  We made our decisions and thanked her for her kindness.

We went back to my Mom's house to get Ethan and ended up eating Thanksgiving left overs and watching TV for a while.  We don't have cable or satelite or anything at home and I guess when we got infront of a TV and could just veg out for a while we took advantage of it.

My Mom's phone rang off the hook while we were there.  People checking on us, wanting to know what the arrangements were going to be.  My older brother calling from Oklahoma saying he was leaving his house in 20 minutes and was going to make the almost 14 hour drive by himself and my younger brother calling from where he is saying he thinks they will let him off work, but if not, he was going to call in sick.  Then him texting me saying "love you sis".

While what we had to do  today is something no parent should have to do...ever...not once...not twice...but ever...we can't help but realize how blessed we are to be surrounded with family and friends who love us and want nothing more but to help and be near us.

My thinking is still a little blurred and my body is more sore than yesterday, but I know what to expect the next few days and I know God is with us.


"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  Job 1:21

Jakin's Birth Story

First, we would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as we have began this journey once again.  God never left our side.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 yesterday morning and after the admit process and paperwork, the medication began.  I got an IV of fluids and Dr. C came in, talked with us and gave me the first round of Cytotek to soften the cervix and begin dialation.  He said I would get this medication every 4 hours until delivery and warned it could take up to 5 doses.

We began the wait and contractions slowly began sometime before noon.  I got the second dose of Cytotek at 1:30.  Contractions began getting stronger and longer, so the nurse called the anestesiologist to prepare him for my epideral when the time was right.  After talking to him, my nurse informed me that I could not have an epideral.  The Lovenox I was on to prevent clots is known to create them if an epideral occurs with 48 hours of the last dose.  The risk of a clot in the spinal column leading to paralyzation was too high, so they agreed that when I asked for it, I could have pain meds through the IV.

By this time the contractions were getting really strong and I couldn't really speak through them.  I could only get comfortable on my side, so thats how I stayed.  Jakin is my third child, but this is the first time I have been in full labor.

Very suddenly, close to 5:00pm I started feeling strong pressure and we called the nurse.  Honestly, I knew it was time, but I was scared.  I knew once I pushed, it would all be over and we would begin saying our final good-byes.  When the nurse got into the room, I think I was yelling...I don't know what I was saying, but it was probably begging her to help me.  I was scared.

She quickly got her gloved on and checked me and the bag of waters had desended, but not burst, which is what they wanted to see.  She called Dr. C and told him to come quick.  She had bareley gotten offf the phone when I felt the extreme urge to push. 

At 5:05, Jakin Isaac was born.  8.4 ounces and 9 inches long.

But, I couldn't see him or hold him yet.  The nurse called the Dr. back and let him know and to come on over.  I had to wait on the Dr to come, break the bag of waters and cut the cord.  The placenta had not passed yet.

When Dr. Cunningham walked in the door, he got right to work and soon they had wrapped Jakin in a blanket and laid him on my chest.  He had the most perfect little ears, and fingers and toes.  The shape of his fingernails reminded me of Ethan (I know it must sound crazy, but it's true).  We took photos and he stayed in the room with us until the funeral home came to pick him up at around 8:30.

After he was born, there was still the risk that I might have to have a D&C if the placenta didn't pass on its own.  So we waited and waited.  Finally, sometime after 7:00, Dr. C came in and got it out non-surgically.

The funeral director and another lady from the funeral home came sometime after 8.  They talked with us, and of course said how much they were not expecting to see us in this situation again.  I really appreciate them and how sensative and gentle they have been.

After we talked, we knew it was time to say good-bye.  Ben brought him to me one more time and I looked at him and said goodbye on this side of Heaven.  Ben carried him to the funeral home director who had a bag marked "fragile".  Inside this bag was the little casket we have seen before.  They gently placed him inside and we watched as they closed the lid.  This moment was probably the hardest one moment about this day.

When they left, I finally got to eat a few bites of food and drink, but after not eating anything for 24 hours and what had just happened, I suddenly didn't have much of an appetite.

The nurse graciously moved us to a different room with a more comfy bed and better internet access and by 10:00 we were settled in for the night.

It's now Thursday morning and I expect to be discharged in the next few hours.

I'm tired.  No, that's probably an understatement.  I'm beyond tired.  But I survived and now we must take the next steps to finish the funeral arrangements and get through the next few days.  I know God was with us.  He never left our side.  He was there, crying with us and holding us tight.

To all of you who have messaged, commented, and been praying for us...Thank you for letting God use you to minister to us.  You just don't know how much it means.

A Different Kind of Healing

God healed Jakin's heart today, but not the way we were wanting.

I'm saddened beyond words to let you all know that today, between 3:00 and 4:00pm our Jakin went to be with Jesus.

We met with our pediatric cardiologist and after having a hard time finding a heartbeat, one was finally located, but was only beating at 40 bpm.  She cried and prayed with us and told us and sent us to the high risk OB I have been seeing.  As soon as we arrived, we were ushered to another ultrasound room and by the time the ultrasound got started, no heartbeat could be found at all. 

He went over our options with us and assured us there was nothing we could or should have done differently.  He told us repeatedly that this was a very, very rare outcome.  He made sure we knew it had nothing to do with the reasons that Shyla went to Heaven and that the liklihood of it happening in future pregnancies is pretty much non-exsistant.  He answered our questions and sent us home.

We talked to my local OB on the way home and have been instructed to arrive at L&D around 8:30 in the morning to be induced.  I am not far along enough to require another c-section, so I will be medically induced and the Dr said Jakin would be born between 12 and 36 hours later.  He warned the medication they will be using will make me feel "crappy" with fever and possibly nausiated.  We will be taking the laptop and I will update as I can.

We ask for prayer tonight and in the days to come.

Please pray that Ethan's heart is protected and that we parent him like we should and answer his questions the way God wants us to.  He is 3 1/2 and has now experienced the death of two siblings in a matter of just over 14 months.

Please pray delivery goes smoothly and quickly with no other complications.

Please pray for our families and friends that have walked and are walking this path with us.  They are amazing.

God is with us.  We know it.  We have walked this road once before.  God's peace has already started to show evident.  Today was a good day in Heaven.  Angels rejoiced as Jesus carried Jakin into the Lord's presence and his heart was healed. 

Ecclesiastes 7:1 says "A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth."  Today was better than tomorrow.  The word also says that God weeps with those that weep.  We know He is in tears with us now as we prepare to deliver our third child to His arms and in the days ahead as we plan and bury one of our babies for the second time.

We love you all and appreciate all of your kind words and prayers.

Pediatric Cardiologist

We see the pediatric cardiologist today at 2:45 est!  Be praying for Jakin's heart to be in perfect rhythm.  Our God CAN do this!  He is able!  I will post an update as soon as I get back around a computer.

Also, please be praying for a little girl named Briley in your prayers.  Her mommy and I have very similar histories as we both had baby girls pass away in utero at the same gestation due to the Factor V Leiden.  Briley is their rainbow.  Briley was born a little early in August I believe and is having heart surgery today to open up some constricted arteries coming from her heart.  Mommy and Daddy know that all things are possible with God and know the power of prayer, so they have requested prayer for their sweet girl.

Sufficient Grace Ministries Giveaway!

I just had to share about Kelly's giveaway over at Sufficient Grace!

Go here to check it out!

Update on Jakin

Tuesday we went to the pediatric cardiologist and got some good news. 

*The fluid around his heart had already started to decrease!
*She didn't think that he actually has SVT, but on closer examination, things the problems are more atrial...which in her words are "generally easier to correct".
*Jakin's heart rate had started to slow.  It would drop to 123 bpm for a little while then jump back up to 274 bmp.  It went back and forth during the whole visit, which is better than the 284 bpm we saw the entire visit both Thursday and Friday.

The Dr. told me to take 1/2 the dose of the Propanolol and added Digoxin.  I'm really tired and get dizzy sometimes, but otherwise, I have peace about this.  I just know, deep down inside, that he is healed and will be ok.  Keep praying for our little guy!

Showing Off Jakin

So, if I haven't mentioned it before, I have the most awesome doctors in the world.  While we were attending my regular OB visit and ultrasound last Thursday (where we noticed little Jakin's heart issues) my doctor gave me a bunch of ultra sound photos.  I just wanted to show off our perfect little boy! (Sorry some of them are out of order and blog.ger is being a booger!)

A 3-D photo of his face.

His perfect little hand.  You can see all his fingers.  He was waving at us!

This one I just love. It was taken last Thursday.  I was 17 weeks exactly and the little guy gave us a salute.  you can see his hand on his forhead.  By the way...that was Veteran's Day!

Keep praying for Jakin's heart!

These three are from my high risk OB on Friday.  17 weeks 1 day.

Again, the high risk OB took this one.  You are looking down from above his head and can see his little hand infront of his face.  Looks like he was sucking this thumb!

This one is from Thursday.  That is his "turtle".  It's a BOY!

A perfect little leg and foot!

Praying for Jakin

Ephesians 3:16-18

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your HEART as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and KEEP YOU STRONG. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

(emphasis mine)

Needing Prayers

This post would get much too long if I were to go into the details of the past two days, so I'll summarize.

Yesterday, we had an appointment with my regular OB.  We learned we are having another BOY!

We also learned the baby's heart is not beating properly.  It's going too fast and he is experiencing some tachycardic episodes.  The Dr. called my high risk OB and got us in today.  Basically, our little boy's has been diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia.  His heart is beating very quickly.  The doctor has put me on blood pressure medicine that will cross the placenta to try to slow his heart down.  He says I will be pretty fatigued, but that should be the only major side effect.

He also made an appointment for us with a pediatric cardiologist for Tuesday for another ultrasound and to see if the meds are helping. 

We needs prayers to be going up for our little guys heart to slow and the tachycardia to be gone!



By the way, his name is Jakin Isaac.  Jakin means "God will establish" and Isaac means "laughter".

2nds for Shyla - 14 Months

It's November!  Can you believe it?  I really didn't anticipate this month being something that makes me sad, but I just can't help but remember this time last year was when she was due.  *If* she would have been born on or near her due date, she would be turning one this month.  I had resolved not to dwell on the *ifs*...but they just pop into my mind with out warning.

Becuase this is the beginning of the Holiday season, I wanted to share what we, as a family, will be doing in memory of Shyla this Christmas.  Last year, we did Shyla's Stocking and had it filled with wonderful random acts of kindness done in her memory.  It was so very beautiful to read all of these on Christmas morning!  This year, if anyone wants to do it again, they are more than welcome, but we are taking a little different approach.

This year, we will be collecting books about pregnancy and infant loss and grief and donating them to the local public library.  I am also planning on talking with a local funeral home about starting a resources lending library with them.  I know everyone is not like me, but when Shyla first went to Heaven, I was in desparate need to read, to connect and to know I was not alone in my grief or crazy for feeling the way that I did.  This blog and the blogs I read were and are an important part of the puzzle for me, but so were all the books I read and now have on my shelves.  I will also be making a recommended reading list to include in the care packages that are being delivered to the hospital.

I am only one person in one community...but one person can make a difference.  If you feel so lead to start a similar project in your area, please let me know.  I would love to see how many communities could be touched by just having these resources free to whoever needs them.

Much love to you all and tidings of comfort and joy your way this season!