2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy - 18 months

2nd's are for Shyla!  Since our girl's name means "Creative Joy", every 2nd of the month I want to share Creative things that I like and bring me joy. 

Today I wanted to share some of the things I have been making to sell in my etsy shop.  I have never been a very girly girl, but when I learned we would be having a girl, I became emersed in all things pink and frilly.

So far, I have just done some flower headbands, clips and pins.  Any of these flowers can be attached to a crocheted headband, a satin headband, a stretchy headband or a pin backing to be worn as a broach.  What do you think?

Establishing Laughter

It's been three months today since Jakin Isaac was born.  His name means "God Will Establish Laughter"  so we hope to post something on the 24th of every month that makes us laugh and hopefully bring a little laughter into your day.  There is just not enough laughter in this world!

Here is a clip from one of Ethan's favorite things to watch...America.s Funn.iest Home Vi.deos...

{2 Months} Establishing Laughter

Today it has been two months since I held my littlest of boys.

If you've been following me for a while, you know I like to see the meaning in things. Especially names. Jakin's name means "God will establish Laughter".

So to remember Jakin, and to remember God's promise that he would establish laughter in our lives, I've decided to post something that makes me or my family laugh on the 24th of every month!

Today, sinceValentine's Day is just a couple weeks away, I wanted to post this song by the HILARIOUS Tim Haw.kins!  I hope you get at least a little giggle and I pray that God is establishing laughter in your lives everyday!

By the way, if you find something funny...a video, a joke, a photo that makes you laugh...send it to me!!!  I would love to spread a little laughter throughout the blogging community!!!

2nds for Shyla

Today is December 2.  Fifteen months ago we said goodbye to our baby girl.  Today I spent extra time admiring the sweet ornaments on our tree given to us to remember sweet Shyla.  I can't believe all that has happened in the past 15 months.  I can't even remember the person I used to be and how I used to believe it was easy to bring home a baby. 

 This was the ornament given to us by the funeral home last year.

Please be in prayer for two other mama's who have had another baby go to Heaven in the past week.  Both women have big hearts and now are experiencing this loss again.  Pray God shows himself faithful and they feel his love and grace in this time.

2nds for Shyla (Giveaway!)

Today is the 2nd of October.  Crazy.

It's notw been 13 months since Shyla was born. 

I have such a conflict when it comes to the dates of the events of last August and September.  You see, I don't really know what day her spirit left her earthly shell and went to be with Jesus.  That day I will probably never know.  I know it was in the last days of August, but not the specific day.  I know the day we found out she was gone.  August 31.  And then there is September 2nd.  The day her body was taken from mine.  I have a hard time calling it her "birth" day.  Her spirit was given to the Father before this day.  So when people asked when my daughter died or when she was born, I feel like there is a five minute explanation.  When the last of the month rolls around, what day can I really call hers?  I have struggled with this from the beginning.  The lone singular date on her stone even bothers me.  "September 2, 2009" does not tell the full story, but just part of it.  I hated that was all I could put on there and as generations pass and some one looks at that stone years from now, that is all they will know.

I have tried to make peace with this and realize it is ok to call that her day.  But it has been hard.  As all the "one year" marks came and went last month, I think I finally have decided that the 2nd will be her day.  I will always remember August 31, but the 2nd of every month is what I have counted as the time passed for how many months she has been gone. So, from now on...the 2nd's are for Shyla.

To mark this "2nd"  I would like to do my first ever GIVEAWAY!!!  This months giveaway is for a copy of the first book that really touched my heart in the days and months after my loss.  I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford gives us reason to not just hope, but to know where our babies are and that we WILL be with them again!  I will also been sending a few gifts designed specifically for the person who wins including a candle with your child's name, a pink and blue ribbon for October 15th and a few other goodies!

For one entry, be a follower of this blog (just make that your comment).

For another entry, share with me the first book that really was an ecouragement to after your loss.

For a third entry, share the giveaway on your blog or facebook and just comment letting me know you have done so. A winner will be chosen one week from today (Saturday, October 10).

Eleven

I know I say this every month, but I just can't believe how much time has past.  It seems so unreal that in just one month, she will have been gone a year. 

Getting ready for back-to-school has been hard.  This time last year I was plump and pregnant.  Getting my office ready for students, traveling to DC on a business trip, doing all the regular back-to-school things.  This year, everything reminds me of her.  That this time last year I was nearing the end and just didn't know it.  I wish I could just be that niave again. 

Maybe.

Grief is so like fear.  Not knowing how each day will twist or turn our emotions.  The ride has slowed, but there are still surprises and unexpected loopty-loops. 

Like filling out my calendar for August.  Ugh.  Every time I schedule something I think, "Oh, that was my last Dr's appointment, the last day I heard her heartbeat."  Or, "That's the day I flew on a plane for the first time and she did somersaults."  But the worst is when I look at the last week of August and can't actually say, "That was the day she entered into Heaven and into the Father's presence."  I don't know what day that happened.  She was gone before I knew it.  The whole month of August is just one big question mark.  I'm finding myself a little more emotional this month than the last few, probably just because of that not knowing.

In one month we will celebrate her life and all the blessings that are happening because she lived.  But, part of me cannot help but realize these blessings that are happening because of her life would not be without her death as well. 

She has inspired a bittersweet ministry. 

10 Months

Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given.

A thing that is lent may be taken away;
A thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given; sorrow is lent.
We are not our own, we are bought with a price...
[Our sorrow] is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the Lord God will wipe away
all the tears from off all faces.
-Amy Carmichael

What a beautiful thought.  Our sorrow is lent to us for eternal purposes.  I pray I have used what has been lent to me in a way that has eternal fruits and I praise God for the joy and hope He has given me. 

It has been ten months since we held her and saw all her tiny features.  I try to imagine what Heaven is like and all of the joy she and all those around her are enjoying in the presence of the Lord, but sometimes it is just too much to fathom.  I can't wait for that glorious day!

Grief at 10 months is much different that grief at 5 or 8 or any other month.  Something in me is changing and a that peace that passes all understanding has fallen on me like a thick fog in the past few days.  I smile more than cry when I think of her.  And I really like that.  Don't get me wrong, I still cry and sometimes I cry hard.  And that's OK.  But it also OK to feel happiness and joy in her memories. 

Am I still mad at times?  Yes.  Do I still wish more than anything to have her here with me?  Of course.  Does it still hurt to see babies (especially baby girls) that were born around the time she was or was supposed to be born?  You bet.  It even hurts to see so many people I know due this year around the same time I was due last year.  Not that I am not happy for them, I am SO happy for them, but at times, I'm still sad for what I should have and what feels like should have been.

BUT...
In the midst of all of these feelings is a feeling of peace and joy that has never left us. Not for a second.  Sure, sometimes it was harder to feel than others and at times I didn't want to feel joy.  But for now, for today, for this moment I feel more hope than I have before and I pray this feeling continues. 

Thank you all for your love and prayers the past 10 months.  You will never know how much your affirmations and prayers mean to this mother's heart.

Nine Months

Today has been nine months since I held my Shyla Joy.  It was a peaceful day.  With the school year winding down, some of my co-workers and I decided to have lunch at the lake and when I got to my mom's house at the end of the day, I let Ethan play outside while I just laid on a beach towel and stared up at the sky.  It was such a beautiful day today.

As I lay there in the grass and watched the leaves blow in the trees, I noticed something I did not expect to see in the trees a good distance from any water.  A big dragonfly was dancing around above my head.  It was a good distance away, but I could see it in the clearing of the trees going back and forth and in circles.  It was so amazing.  It is not the first one I have seen lately either.  I had caught a glimpse of one at lunch at the marina, but not like this.  This dragonfly dances there, where just I could see it for at least 20 minutes.  Then another dragonfly came from the trees and they did a dance together and then both were gone.  The first one came back and dances some more for me, but I had to eventually go inside.

Somewhere around the time the second dragonfly appeared, a mom I know was giving birth to her son who would be stillborn fullterm.  I got a text while I lay there that said he had been born.  She found out the yesterday at a routine check-up that he had passed and was induced to deliver today.  Nine months after Shyla.  Please pray for this mom and for her family, they are all in such shock and pain that so many of us know all too well. 

Eight Months (AKA Bring the Rain)

That's how long is has been. 

I've thought about Shyla a lot today...even before I realized today was the 2nd.  It has been a pouring rain for two days now and things are starting to get flooded.  I wondered if all the rain would wash away the grass seeds Ben and Ethan sowed a couple weeks ago at her grave and wanted to go visit, but I know the cemetary would just be a muddy mess right now.

The lyrics to Bring the Rain by MercyMe have been on my heart since the downpour last weekend at the March for Babies.  I know I have talked about this song before, but I think today is an appropriate day to look at the lyrics again.

Bring the Rain
MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

*************************************

Today is also International BabyLoss Mother's Day.  So I thought of you my friends.  I pray today was kind to you and that you experienced God's love, peace and comfort today and always.  Big hugs for all of you beautiful Mothers out there!

My Water Broke

at 7 months.

But not the kind you might be thinking of.

The kind under the bathroom sink.  The gushing hot water kind.  The kind that soaks all the towels in the bathroom, all of the bathroom floor, the carpet in the hallway and anything else within 5 feet.  Yeah, that kind. 

After the day I had, this was my breaking point. 

I carried Shyla seven months and seven months to the day she was delivered we came home to broken water.  Beyond. Ironic.  Don't you think?

A New Diagnosis

On Good Friday I had a busy day planned.  It was seven months to the day that Shyla had been delivered.  She had been gone as long as I carried her.  But I was in a surprisingly good mood.  I had an meeting scheduled with a reporter to write our story for a feature in the Common.weath Jour.nal and then I had a follow up appointment with my regular OB.

The interview with the reporter went well.  I was able to share our story and what we are doing with th
March of Dimes.  I shared some photos with her and had a good feeling about the article. 

The appointment I had with the OB was to just check up on me and see how I am healing.  We discussed the Perinatal specialist that I had seen in October and that I really wished not to see him again.  He had several comments that were almost accusatory and very harsh words for me because I had chosen not to have an autopsy performed after Shyla's birth.   I now have an appoinment with a different specialist next month! Can I just say I {heart} my OB.

While the Dr. was talking about some things he mentioned something I had never heard before about my medical diagnosis.  MTHFR.  As a friend of mine said,"It almost looks obscene!"  So apparently, I am positive for it in addition to FVL.  I'm heterozygous for the gene and my Dr. showed me my chart where it said in nice fine print, "One copy of the gene does not increase the likelihood..."  So now we are just waiting to see the Specialist in May and going from there.

I was actually rather disheartened after I left.  After getting the new diagnosis, I asked him if he thought, medically, it was ok for us to start trying to get pregnant again.  The short answer, was "no".  My body needs more time to heal.  I was ok at the time, but on the 45 minute drive home, I cried and prayed and cried some more.  I feel like both my husband and I are as close to emotionally ready as we will ever be and just really looking forward to being pregnant again.

So moral of the story, God's timing is always best and we will know when we know about how to best take the next steps.

Seven Months

I carried her for seven months.

And now thats how long she has been gone.

The events of today deserve a whole other post just to themself, so for now all I have to say is how amazed I am at 7.

Its supposed to be the number of completion, but tonight, 7 months later, I feel anything but complete.  I wish I could more eloquently put into words what I'm feeling.  But I can't. 

I miss my baby.  I miss my complete family being together. 

I am so looking forward to a time when everything really is complete.  Perfect.  But for now I'll just have to wait.

Six Months

Six Months.

Half a year!

 I really just can’t believe it.

This month also marks the first of what will be another seven months of “one-year-ago” dates. For example, in just a few weeks, it will be one year ago that we found out we were pregnant. Then comes all of the “one year ago” appointments and memories culminating on September 2, what would have been her first birthday.

I don’t know if I’m ready for this. A year of firsts without her. She should be attempting her first crawling motions, her first foods, her first really intentional words. I know it is not for me to say what “should” have been. I think it’s just human nature when part of oneself is missing to notice it.

To remember that element of a life no longer with us.

To wish no piece of the puzzle were missing and wonder upon what the world would be like if…

If…

I really try not to dwell in “if” much. It hurts too badly. I almost can’t help it on days like today though.

There is a hope.  I know.  One day, the "ifs" wont matter.  I will see my baby girl again and all the "ifs" in the world cannot take away what God has promised me. 

It's getting closer.  Everyday without her is one more day closer to being with her. 

Take a deep breath. 

One day, it will be okay.

 

Five Months Later

I can talk about her without tears gushing from my eyes.
I can look through her things and not always cry.
I can think about the course of events and not hate myself so much (most of the time).
I can contemplate future children without the fear being as strong.  It's still there, but not as crippling as it once was.
I can visit the cemetary and know SHE is not there.  It is just a symbol and it's ok not to go there ever day or even every week.
I can control my frustration, anger and hurt when people forget to mention her, don't ask about her or wrinkle their brow when I do.
I can remember my pregnancy with fondness.  The sadness is not gone, and I don't think it ever will be, but I can remember some of the precious things and smile.

There are lots of things I can do Five Months Later.

There are also lots of things I can't.

I choose to focus on the the cans right now.  The can'ts are still too overwhelming at times.  But here I am, Five Months after saying goodbye to my darling daughter.  I'm still here.  I'm still breathing, still living.  The more time passes the further I feel from her.  But the odd paradox is with each day that passes, I am actually getting closer to her.  Closer to the day that I will hold my sweet baby girl again.  I can't even begin to imagine what that day will be like. 

Five Months. 

And I'm still here.

Four months

Has it really been that long already?  Four months since we said hello?  Four months since we said goodbye?  Really? 
Four months have passed and I still think of her everday.  I can't imagine there ever being a day that goes by that I do not think about Shyla.  My life with her, without her and because of her.  In four months, her life has touched so many people.  Because she lived, I have learned more about life, love and grief.  I know that God is in all of these things and that there is so much still to learn.