Wave of Light

My candles were lit tonight...

Grief Work

This Saturday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Like many of the amazing loss mamas I have met on this journey, I don't post here as often as I used to, but I have had my babies on my heart so much lately.

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I have also had the other families who have experienced this kind of loss heavy on my heart as well and I just wanted to share this quote by W. Graham Scroggie, in Billy Graham's book, Facing Death...

Let grief do its work.  Tramp every inch of the sorrowful way.  Drink every drop of the bitter cup.  Draw from memory and hope all that they can offer.  To see the things our loved ones have left behind will give us daily pain...but what would we be without those reminders?  Would we like quickly to break with the past in order to ease our grief?  Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the brokenhearted can know.

 So as we all remember and try to raise awareness this week, let us draw from our memory all that it can offer and bask in the joy that only the brokenhearted know.

I know without a doubt, my brokenness has brought me (and my family) closer to God.  It has made our marriage stronger, our parenting better and our relationships more meaningful.  We may have known pain like no other, but we also live with a glimpse of Heaven in our hearts and know that the trials of this life are just a blink of the eye compared to what is coming....deep, everlasting, JOY.

Remembering with you....

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Because this is so close to my heart, I wanted to share it with you all.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance and Awareness Day.  A day to remember all the little ones gone so very early in life and a day to raise awareness and support.  If you know someone who has experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss, take a moment to send them some love on Saturday.  A card, an email, a phone call.  Simply speaking of their loss is enough to bring them comfort.  Say their child's name and recognize the life and the person who is temporarily missing from the family (we WILL be reunited one day!) and it will help heal their heart.

I will be remembering many little ones in Heaven and their sweet mommies on Saturday...especially two little ones that I miss everyday...

Sweet Shyla Joy who went to Heaven at 28 weeks in 2009.

And tiny Jakin Isaac who joined his sister at 19 weeks in 2010.

From birth I was cast upon you;

from my mother's womb you have been my God.

Psalm 22:10

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears.  If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of my child's name.  It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

Author Unknown

Reminders of Joy

As mentioned in an earlier post, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Remembrance Day. I really wanted to plan a prayer service or a walk to remember in my area, but with my loss being so recent, my husband and I thought it might be better to attend one somewhere away from home. I randomly met a couple from Northern Kentucky who were planning a prayer service at their church and were nice enough to make sure I knew I was welcome. Since the church was about a three hour drive from home and the service was on a Thursday evening, we decided to make a weekend of it. My birthday was the 18th and I was going back to work the 19th, so a weekend away from home sounded like a great idea.
The evening of the 15th we attended a prayer service in Ft. Mitchell. It was beautifully decorated with delicate white candles and pink and blue balloons. Names of babies are now in heaven were shown on a screen. When Shyla’s name flashed for all the church to see I had such mixed emotions. At first, it hit me like I was hearing the news of her death for the first time. I held my breath and blinked. Maybe this was still a bad dream. The second time her name scrolled across the screen, I looked around to see how many people were thinking of her at that very moment. I was like any other proud parent. Her name was there and it meant something. The people in that room were acknowledging her life. It was such a odd emotion. There was a small sermon and lit the candles we were holding. We sang Jesus Loves me and said a prayer. I never thought I would be here. Wearing my pink and blue ribbon and holding this candle. But I know I am not alone. I do not walk this road alone.

The next day we went to the Creation Museum in Petersburg. We had a good time and Ethan especially enjoyed it. I really wanted to focus on giving him LOTS of attention this weekend. I just wanted to share a couple of photos from this day.

The dragonfly may have a very short life span, but look at how long the evidence of this ones life will be seen.  The symbolism just amazes me!
On Saturday, we went to the Newport Aquarium. Ethan was AMAZED! He would just run from one tank to the other. His favorite things were petting the sharks and seeing the penguins. And the Frog Bog. The Frog Bog is the children’s play area. There were giant frogs for kids to climb and play on, a jungle gym and a huge mural on the wall of a pond setting. I saw a ladybug painted on a giant blade of grass and smiled. Ladybugs have kind of always been my thing. Then, as we rounded the corner, I saw…

A dragonfly! So we posed for a family picture! Wow, I needed that. I was beginning to feel guilty for enjoying myself and then I saw that purple dragonfly. God knows just how to make us smile and give us joy just when we need it.
It was a great weekend.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention how sweet my husband is. While on this little trip he gave me the most beautiful birthday present. It is a diamond dragonfly pendant. It is truly breath taking. It is so special that I had all of these little signs to help me heal over this time. I know God sees my pain and is holding me closer than ever. I feel His presence and peace. Some days, some moments I feel like I cannot walk this road any longer, that I am not strong enough. That is when He lifts me up, hugs me and gently says, “No, your not strong enough…not on your own.” I am not strong enough, but with the Healer and Peace Giver at my side and in my heart, I will live the rest of my life with a peace and joy that passes all earthy understanding.

Thank you God for these moments that you have given me. The moments that I know you are near and holding my precious daughter until I can be with her again. Thank you for your peace. Thank you for your joy.

John 16: 20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy… 22Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

Day of Remembrance

As I start typing this, it is still technically October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Rememberance Day.  As I sat in a prayer service tonight and watched my daughters name appear on a screen during a slideshow of names, I thought about what I remember.  I do this often, so I wont forget anything.  There are some things I wish I could wipe from my mind forever, but so so so many things I never want to forget. 
It has been six weeks now since Shyla was taken from my womb and certain memories feel like they are already fading.  So tonight, I just want to think about what I remember.

* I remember taking a pregnancy test last March and just knowing it would be negative...but surprise!  Two little pink lines! 

* I remember taking a 2nd test because there is just no way the first one is right...but there it was again!  Those two precious pink lines.

* I remember the feeling in my stomach when I showed my husband those positive tests and the happy tears that followed.

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* I remember trying to keep it a secret from my co-workers, making excuses to why I shouldn't lift that heavy box, or eat that lunch meat and sneaking out to my van to call and make the first Dr. appointment.

* I remember finding the t-shirt that my 2 year old would wear to make the happy announcement.

* I remember each persons reaction to that shirt after it finally sunk in.  Hilarious!

* I remember how sick water made me.

* I remember the relief I felt when I finally pasted the first trimester.  I thought I was in the clear and there would be smooth sailing from here on.

* I remember combing through baby names books and keeping lists of names I liked everywhere.

* I remember Ethan rubbing my belly and asking about "baby".

* I remember going to Oklahoma and standing under the survivor tree rubbing my growing tummy and thinking about the little one inside.  It was so peaceful there.  So odd that a place that was once torn apart with devastation could ever bring such peace and beauty.  I really thought about the term "beauty from ashes" in this place.

* I remember feeling her move so gently that I almost didn't recognize it.  It was like a quite ballet being danced inside.  Such soft motions made me think this just had to be a girl.

* I remember going to all of my doctors visits with a lump in my throat.  This pregnancy was just so different from the last. 

* I remember how when Ethan would climb up into my lap she would push on him.  It was like she knew it was her brother.  I knew I could expect sibling rivalry, but already? 

* I remember taking Ethan with us to the Doctor for the gender seeking ultrasound.  He was getting impatient so we gave him a sheet of stickers...he was covered before we left that office.

* I remember my husband's face when the Doctor said the baby is a girl.  He was so proud.  He is such a great dad to Ethan and now was going to get to have a Daddy's Girl.

* I remember deciding her name would be Shyla...but keeping it a secret.

* I remember just sitting and rubbing my belly.  All the time. 

* I remember the swelling.  It started in early August and before the month was half over, I had cankles and could wear only flip flops.

* I remember starting to get concerned, her little movement had stopped...what if...something is wrong?

* I remember telling myself it was in my head.  She had to have moved and I just missed it.

* I remember the 30 minute drive to the hospital to get checked out.

* I remember the three nurses buzzing around trying to find a heartbeat with a doppler.  There it is!...No, thats mine...

* I remember the doctor entering the room, asking for the blinds to be shut and touching the ultrasound to my belly...there is no red and blue pulsing...but maybe it was just my eyes...

* I remember hearing, "I'm sorry, but there is no..."

* I remember crying. 

* I remember so much being said, but no explanation.

* I remember making all those phone calls.

* I remember prayers.  LOTS of prayers.

* I remember not sleeping that night.

* I remember meeting my pastor in the parking lot of my Doctor's office the next morning to pray with us.

* I remember picking out a preemie outfit for her.  A white with pink polka dots sleeper that had, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" Embroidered on it.

* I remember actually sleeping that night.

* I remember the ride to the hospital the day she was to be born and hearing Third Day's Tunnel on the radio.

* I remember the peace that passes all understanding surrounding my husband and I as we waiting to be taken into the operating room.

* I remember the surgery, everything about it.

* I remember how eerily quiet it was.

* I remember the Doctor telling me when she had been taken from me, 1:26 pm.

* I remember seeing my husband hold her.

* I remember seeing her for the first time.  She was so tiny.  1 pound 11 ounces and 13.5 inches long. 

* I remember holding her.

* I remember hearing all the stories from women that had lost their babies.  We WILL hold our babies again!

* I remember saying goodbye to her.

* I remember planning her celebration and trying to find the right songs, and being ministered to so much my two in particular.  The two we played.

* I remember God's comfort during the hardest times.

* I remember the kindness of strangers.

* I remember going to church the morning of Shyla's celebration and singing my heart out.

* I remember so many prayers that day.

* I remember carrying her casket across the cemetary for the service. 

* I remember the beautiful balloon release.  28 balloons.  One for each week I was blessed to carry in my womb.

* I remember my son saying, "Bye Bye Shyla!  See you later!" as those balloons drifted up and away.

* I remember seeing so many people who love my family and I at her service.

* I remember so so so so much about her, even though her time here was so short.

* I remember feeling so blessed to have a healthy son.

* I remember telling God I was ok if I never knew the medical cause as to why she is gong.  I know there are going to be spiritual blessings from her short life.

* I remember asking that in leui of flowers, donations be made to the Pregnancy HELP Center in our area.

* I remember the day that we took a lot of these donations to the center. 

I know in the big picture of things, these are not a lot of memories, but you see, I am not done making memories of my daughter and ways she has affected my life and the lives of others.  I know this is still just the beginning of things that I will be remembering on October 15ths to come. 

Today I put on my pink shirt and proudly placed my pink and blue ribbon with a gold footprints pin on my shirt.  This is my day to brag about my daughter.  She is beautiful and she is in Heaven right now crawling around the Throne of my Abba Father.  I know He will take good care of her (and me) while we are apart.  But we will be together again someday.  I am so homesick when I think about that.  Getting to Heaven and having Jesus place my baby back in my arms!  I am glad we have October 15th to remember, but I am also so excited to know that there is so much more to look forward to!