Shyla's 2nd

Shyla's 2nd birthday in Heaven was just a little over 2 weeks ago. The day was a blur and I don't really feel like I did a great job doing things for her this year, but it was all a little over whelming.

My dad was still in the hospital from his biopsy he had had the Tuesday and my brother and his family had driven in from Oklahoma City, so we were going to try to get to the hospital early.  We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town and brought our girl some roses.

My Mom had gotten the dragonfly and we placed it between Shyla and Jakin's stones.  There is the large one with pink wings then there are smaller ones with blue wings and pink butterflies that you can't see real well in the photo.

Ethan still likes to go to "Shyla and Jakin's" as he calls it.  He has never called it a cemetery and I know he has heard us refer to it as one.

I made pink cupcakes and took them to my Mom's house to share with everyone and we went to the hospital to see my Dad.  He was in the CVU, so we could only go back to see him a couple of people at a time and kids weren't allowed back, so we took turns and played with the kids in the waiting room.

Dad was released that night about 6 and we ran a couple of errands and ate dinner together.

I know it's been two years and I know it makes people sad, but compared to last year, no one really mentioned her (besides other loss moms on fb and a few other close friends on my fb page).  The first year I said what I wanted to say and grieved openly.  The 2nd year, I was pregnant with Jakin, lost Jakin and started the adoption process.  I don't feel like I can grieve as vocally as before.  Like people expect me not to talk about her any more.  I mean, I know it was a terribly busy day and dad being in the hospital, getting his cancer diagnosis a few days earlier, labor day weekend, family traveling in from out of state, but I felt like I didn't do a good job remembering her and if I don't, who will?

Maybe I will do better next year.  Maybe not.  Maybe this is just part of the journey is letting go a little more every year  I just really dislike feeling like she is forgotten already and I don't know what this 3rd year of grief holds for me.

I guess that's why C.S. Lewis said that grief is a lot like suspense.

But I also believe that is why God tells us that He is our refuge and strength, our counselor, our hope...He is.  Not anyone else.  Just him.  Not just during the first year of grief, but all the days of my life.

"The Lord has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve...to bestow beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a Spirit of despair."

~ Isaiah 61:1-3 and quoted by Jesus in Luke 4:18

No matter what and no matter how long it's been He is Emanuel.

God is with us.

 El Shaddai.

All Sufficient.

I have to just remind myself as time goes by, whether others speak her name or not, God is with us and is all I need.  

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy - 19 months

On the 2nd of every month (Shyla's Day) I want to share some creative things with you that make me smile.  Her name means Creative Joy and I want to take these days to appreciate the Creative things that bring me Joy.

Today I want to share some Creative Joy that makes me smile (and cry a little too).  These are some of the pages of one of Shyla's scrapbooks.  This was a hard one to make...but I'm so glad I did.  These memories are precious and I'm so glad I have these to cherish.

These are just the pages up until her birth.  I will share the ones from that day and other pages later.

{The Cover}

{Positive}

{Making the Announcement}

{First Ultrasound}

{2nd Ultrasound}

{One of the only family photos with all of us together.  Under the Survivor Tree in Oklahoma City.}

{3rd Ultrasound. 20 weeks 4 days.}

{Shyla's Heartbeat}

The most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.

~Helen Keller

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy - 18 months

2nd's are for Shyla!  Since our girl's name means "Creative Joy", every 2nd of the month I want to share Creative things that I like and bring me joy. 

Today I wanted to share some of the things I have been making to sell in my etsy shop.  I have never been a very girly girl, but when I learned we would be having a girl, I became emersed in all things pink and frilly.

So far, I have just done some flower headbands, clips and pins.  Any of these flowers can be attached to a crocheted headband, a satin headband, a stretchy headband or a pin backing to be worn as a broach.  What do you think?

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy

It's been 17 months now.  I can hardly believe it. 

Last month, I had the idea to post a funny video, story, or joke every 24th of the month in memory of Jakin Isaac, whose name means "God Will Establish Laughter".

Shyla's name means "Creative" and her middle name was Joy. 

If I post every month on her day how I'm feeling, there will be little change from one month to another.  So instead, I'm going to post something that makes me think "Creative JOY!"

Today, is February 2nd.  February is of course the month of LOVE and so I thought I would share some of these great Creative ideas for Valentines Day!

Oreo Kisses! (I love these!!!)



Valentines Photo Tree



Felt Flourish Heart Wreath



Heartbreaker Valentines

16 Months...He is close...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalms 34:18

It has now been 16 months since my dear girl was in my arms.

It's harder now to count the months and truely discribe them accurately.  Yes, it has been 16 months since I held Shyla, but since Jakin joined her in Heaven, its harder to discern new grief from old grief...is there is any difference at all.

I have described grief as coming in waves (as have many other bereaved parents).  And that holds true still.  One wave may be grief of not having my only daughter to hold and make girly things for.  Then another will hit about not still being pregnant with my rainbow and not experiencing a miracle the way I wanted.  Then yet another wave will hit...just wanting my babies back.  Wanting ALL my babies together.  This is the wave I feel most often.

But I do just have to take comfort in knowing that someday I will. 

I have always wanted to write about the grief I am experiencing in time frames.  One month, two months...but now...this grief is not alone.  I can't just separate the grief of loosing her from the grief of loosing him.  They are separate...but they are not.  If that makes any sense at all.  So, while I still may write every 2nd of the month and think of her and every 24th and think of him...they are together in this grief as much as they would be together as part of my earthly joy if they were here together.

2nds for Shyla

Today is December 2.  Fifteen months ago we said goodbye to our baby girl.  Today I spent extra time admiring the sweet ornaments on our tree given to us to remember sweet Shyla.  I can't believe all that has happened in the past 15 months.  I can't even remember the person I used to be and how I used to believe it was easy to bring home a baby. 

 This was the ornament given to us by the funeral home last year.

Please be in prayer for two other mama's who have had another baby go to Heaven in the past week.  Both women have big hearts and now are experiencing this loss again.  Pray God shows himself faithful and they feel his love and grace in this time.

2nds for Shyla - 14 Months

It's November!  Can you believe it?  I really didn't anticipate this month being something that makes me sad, but I just can't help but remember this time last year was when she was due.  *If* she would have been born on or near her due date, she would be turning one this month.  I had resolved not to dwell on the *ifs*...but they just pop into my mind with out warning.

Becuase this is the beginning of the Holiday season, I wanted to share what we, as a family, will be doing in memory of Shyla this Christmas.  Last year, we did Shyla's Stocking and had it filled with wonderful random acts of kindness done in her memory.  It was so very beautiful to read all of these on Christmas morning!  This year, if anyone wants to do it again, they are more than welcome, but we are taking a little different approach.

This year, we will be collecting books about pregnancy and infant loss and grief and donating them to the local public library.  I am also planning on talking with a local funeral home about starting a resources lending library with them.  I know everyone is not like me, but when Shyla first went to Heaven, I was in desparate need to read, to connect and to know I was not alone in my grief or crazy for feeling the way that I did.  This blog and the blogs I read were and are an important part of the puzzle for me, but so were all the books I read and now have on my shelves.  I will also be making a recommended reading list to include in the care packages that are being delivered to the hospital.

I am only one person in one community...but one person can make a difference.  If you feel so lead to start a similar project in your area, please let me know.  I would love to see how many communities could be touched by just having these resources free to whoever needs them.

Much love to you all and tidings of comfort and joy your way this season!

And the Winner is...

Lori!

Using random.org Lori is the winner of the giveaway this month!  Lori, just send me an email with your mailing address!

2nds for Shyla (Giveaway!)

Today is the 2nd of October.  Crazy.

It's notw been 13 months since Shyla was born. 

I have such a conflict when it comes to the dates of the events of last August and September.  You see, I don't really know what day her spirit left her earthly shell and went to be with Jesus.  That day I will probably never know.  I know it was in the last days of August, but not the specific day.  I know the day we found out she was gone.  August 31.  And then there is September 2nd.  The day her body was taken from mine.  I have a hard time calling it her "birth" day.  Her spirit was given to the Father before this day.  So when people asked when my daughter died or when she was born, I feel like there is a five minute explanation.  When the last of the month rolls around, what day can I really call hers?  I have struggled with this from the beginning.  The lone singular date on her stone even bothers me.  "September 2, 2009" does not tell the full story, but just part of it.  I hated that was all I could put on there and as generations pass and some one looks at that stone years from now, that is all they will know.

I have tried to make peace with this and realize it is ok to call that her day.  But it has been hard.  As all the "one year" marks came and went last month, I think I finally have decided that the 2nd will be her day.  I will always remember August 31, but the 2nd of every month is what I have counted as the time passed for how many months she has been gone. So, from now on...the 2nd's are for Shyla.

To mark this "2nd"  I would like to do my first ever GIVEAWAY!!!  This months giveaway is for a copy of the first book that really touched my heart in the days and months after my loss.  I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford gives us reason to not just hope, but to know where our babies are and that we WILL be with them again!  I will also been sending a few gifts designed specifically for the person who wins including a candle with your child's name, a pink and blue ribbon for October 15th and a few other goodies!

For one entry, be a follower of this blog (just make that your comment).

For another entry, share with me the first book that really was an ecouragement to after your loss.

For a third entry, share the giveaway on your blog or facebook and just comment letting me know you have done so. A winner will be chosen one week from today (Saturday, October 10).