There is PINK in my Dryer!

On Friday, November 9, I woke up at 4:00am with a stiff neck and I just couldn't sleep.  I did my daily Bible reading and decided to check my email. 

Lot's of junk email, as always, then I saw an email from our agency regarding a little girl born several states away three days ago that was in need of a family.  She was Native American and had a long list of possible "special needs" and health concerns.  The agency director said she would be in the office at 8:00am and if anyone was home study ready and interested could call her for more information. 

Ben was up preparing for a weekend hunting trip in the other room and I walked up to him and said, "Hey, you want to go to North Dakota this weekend?"  Half smiling, he said, "Whyyyyy?"  I told him about this little girl and that I wasn't even sure we would qualify, but if he was alright with me looking into it.  He was completely excited and told me to make the call.

At 7:59 that morning I called our agency, but I had to leave a message.  I waited ten minutes and called her again.  She answered the phone and said she was just about to call me back.  She gave me the placing agency director's name and number and a little more info on the baby.  She encouraged me to call and said she would help with any details we needed.  I called the placement agency right away and had to leave a message.  The next two hours I paced a lot.  I had a feeling I should be packing my bags.

Around 10:00am the placing agency director called me back and talked about the diagnosis. (I wont go into too many details on the blog because part of my daughter's story is HER story to share.  So sorry for being vague, but let's just say at this point, I believe God put my blinders on and nothing the director told me scared me at all.)  She emailed me a photo of this sweet baby girl waiting for a family in a NICU hundreds of miles away.

The first time I saw Ellie's sweet face!

I took one look at this sweet face and thought, "She is not what they say she is."  I asked the placement agency what next, how do we know if we have been chosen to be this little girl's family.  She paused for a second and said, "Well, at this point it is up to you..."  Due to the unique situation (again, sorry for not more specific details) this child was in need of immediate placement and if we chose to move forward, we would need to be on a plane tomorrow.

I had been trying to make all these calls from my bedroom, away from Ethan's little ears, but before I knew it he ran into the room and took one look at the laptop and said, "That is our baby!  When are you going to go get her?"  I told him that yes, this little baby was in need of a family and we might be it, but we were still talking about it.

I called Ben and told him what was going on.  He was working on transporting prisoners all over the state this day and was currently almost 3 hours away.  We prayed over the phone and he told me to start packing our suitcases and working out the details!

The next couple of hours were spent making phone calls, working out the details, booking plane tickets and packing our bags.  It was crazy!  I was on the phone with Ben and trying to figure out when he would be back in town.  We found out one document that needed to be updated and we needed to get to someplace to overnight our check with the total amount of the adoption expenses to the agency.  As soon as Ben got back into town, we drove 1 hour and a half away and did those two things.  We ate our last dinner as a family of three and stopped by a store to purchase some newborn baby girl clothes, bottles and basics.

We got home late and I nervously took the tags off the clothing and washed and dried them and stayed up wayyyy too late getting ready for the next day. 

I even instagrammed, "There is PINK in my dryer yall!"

 

 

After our bags were packed for the trip and Ethan's bag's were packed for an unknown amount of time at his Nana's I finally laid down and tried to sleep a little bit. It was really hard though, thinking I would be meeting my daughter the next day!

Our Circle Maker

Ethan has had a bit of a struggle going to children's church through the years.  It seemed every time he would start going really well, we would have a loss and he wouldn't want to be separated from us.  The first was right after we lost Shyla, then he started going back to the nursery at church well again about a year later.  Then we lost Jakin and he did the same thing.  After Samuel's failed adoption, Ethan finally had words to explain why he wanted to be with us during church.  He told us that he thought he was being punished if we forced him to be separated during church.  So we told him as long as he could sit still and listen well in big church, he could stay with us if that is what he really wanted to do.  We also encouraged him to try-out the nursery and/or kids church every couple of weeks.

Last Fall, our pastor was preaching a series on Mark Batterson's book, The Circle Maker.  The story of Honi and of bold specific prayer really encouraged us.  Little did I know how much it was impacted Ethan as well.

We had been hearing more and more about the changes in the process of South Korean adoptions.  After talking with our agency and advocacy groups, we learned it may be even harder for us now due to the fact we have a biological, non-Korean child in our home.  We did a lot of praying and searching. 

Secretly, my prayer the first week of November was that we would see our child's face. Specifically, I prayed for a daughter.  Which is selfish, but, I wanted to pray what I thought was a bold, specific prayer.

Ethan's Prayer

On Monday, November 5th, Ethan came to me and we had the following conversation:

"Mommy, I just went up in my bed and prayed."

"That's great Ethan!  What did you pray about?"

"I prayed for a baby."

"Oh, honey, we are all praying for a baby."

"No, Mom.  I prayed for a baby by Sunday or Monday."

I stopped loading the dishwasher and just looked at him.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I tried to explain that with God anything is possible.  And God could do it.  But, if He doesn't, we were going to love him and praise him anyway. 

Tuesday, November 6th, while talking about what we were thankful for, Ethan told me "A Baby."

The rest of the week was more of the same.  He told me that I better be packing our bags for the hospital.  He told me I needed to get the nursery ready and he even went through his stuffed animals and took some of them to the nursery "for the baby".

He so inspired me, that I pulled out the quilt top I made a year ago from my maternity shirts and I finished quilting it for our soon-to-be-baby.

 

He prayed every night and every meal for "Our Baby".  He constantly circled her in prayer.  He believed with all his heart we were going to have a baby by Sunday or Monday.

 

Friday morning I couldn't sleep.  I got up early and read my daily Bible reading and decided to check my email.....

 

 

To be continued....

Isaiah 43:5

I have a special child on my heart today.  I don’t know if this child is born yet, or if the child will be (or is) a boy or girl.  I only believe there is a child that is ours and someday we will meet.  I’m feeling a little anxious again to see this child’s face.  I’ve been doing good lately, not wishing things would rush by.  But just the past few days have carried with them a longing to meet our next child.  To see their shining eyes and tell them they are wanted.  They are loved.  They are mine.

 

Someday, sweet child.  Someday.

In the Hospital

(This is a continuation of my last post about Samuel's birth.  I will continue writing it as if he was ours to keep.)

Saturday


After not sleeping at all, I was still very alert and thankful to have my eyes on such a sweet little man.  His spit up continued and we asked about switching formula.  The nurse finally saw him regurgitate almost a whole feeding and talked with the pediatrician that switched him to soy.  He did much better with that.  They said his billiruben was normal, but they wanted to check it again later.





A (Samuel's birth mother) was very sore from her c-section, but was able to get up and move around a little. They were able to unhook her from some of the wires and lines and she held Samuel.  I even asked if she would like to feed him and she said yes.  It was so bittersweet watching her do this.  I knew that releasing him for adoption would be hard and I thought getting these few moments nurturing him would either be hard, or help the pain, but I didn't know which.  She is a good mom, so I knew she would regret it if she didn't take this time. With her permission, I took pictures of them together because I knew they both would want them someday (I will refrain from posting those here out of respect for A and her privacy).

At one point in the day, I was holding him and rocking in the glider.  I was just staring at him.  I must have been smiling.  I thought A was asleep, but then she spoke to me.

"I know I'm doing the right thing.  I know I am because you look so happy."



Later that day, A's babysitter of her two other children came by and brought the kids.  She had came on Friday night as well, but without the kids.  When the nurse asked if the adoptive parents would be staying the night, the babysitter looked shocked and texted A later and asked her what that meant.  She didn't know anything about the adoption.  Looking back, that was probably a bad sign.  I went for a walk with Ben so her other kids and her could have some time alone with Samuel.

Ben left to drive the 3 hours home and get some sleep with plans on coming back the next day.  He called and told me he showed Ethan some pictures of Samuel and Ethan kept saying he was so jealous because we got to see him "really" and hold him.  A asked us Ethan was excited and I asked her if it was ok if Ben brought Ethan back with him the next day.  She said that was fine.  The next time the nurses came in the room, I asked if we could bring our son.  I knew there was a sign before you entered L&D that said no children were allowed in that area unless they were siblings of the newborn.  The nurse said she would have to ask the head nurse.  Another nurse came back in the room later and asked me to leave for a few minutes.  When they allowed me back in the room, A said that they were asking her if it was ok.  A told me she said that Ethan was Samuel's brother and it was ok with her for him to come.  She told them how excited he was.

The night nurse (who was great) suggested she take Samuel for a few hours (even though there was really  not a nursery in the hospital, she said I needed to rest since I hadn't slept the night before due to his gagging).  She took him for three hours through the night and I slept in the chair next to A's hospital bed.  This was also daylight savings time, so we lost an hour in the night as well.

Sunday

 They checked Samuel's biliruben again and it was too high, so they wanted to put him in the bili-bed.  He hated that thing at first and kept spitting up every time I would lay him down.  But after some adjustments and our wonderful night nurse showing us a trick to make him feel swaddled while in it, he slept much better.

Ben got to the hospital with Ethan late in the afternoon and Ethan got to spend a little time with Samuel and I.

He finally got the wear the "Big Brother" shirt that had been in his closet with tags for over a year.

He just kept saying how precious Samuel's eyes were.  His little hands.  His nose.  Everything was just "precious".

 

I left the hospital for just long enough to run to the hospital and take a quick shower then back to spend another night in the hospital.  A notary came to the hospital and witnessed A signing the temporary consent paperwork.  We could now legally leave the hospital with him!  That is, as soon as the hospital would allow it.

Monday

They checked Samuel's biliruben again and after one night it had dropped low enough they would allow him to be released from the hospital.  With one exception.  We had to bring him back to the same hospital to see the same pediatrician the next day just to check on him.  And the birth mother had to come too.  We started gathering our things and brought in the car seat.  At this point, A started to get a little emotional.  I gave her a few minutes alone with him and she placed him in the car seat.  

Since the hospital would not allow us to leave with the Samuel (even though we had every legal right to) A had to walk out with us.  And since it was a military hospital, we had to do a few extra steps before she could leave.  One of these steps was the filing of the birth certificate.  A insisted on placing our last name on the birth certificate.  He had our last name.  The lady in the office we were working on that paperwork was a notary and A agreed to sign the final adoption consent and court appearance waiver while we were there.  (It had been over 72 hours required by our state).  She gave him our last name and she signed the adoption consent while holding Samuel.  She told me again that she was sure she was doing the right thing.

We finished there and had to stop and get his Zan.tac filled at the hospital pharmacy (by this point they had determined the spit up was acid reflux).  Ben pulled the van around and A's friend brought her car up to the door.  We put the car set in the van and I let A see him again.  We hugged and both cried, then agreed we would see each other there in less than 24 hours for his appt.  I told her to call or text me for anything if she needed it.  And like that, we were driving away from the hospital with a newborn.  In shock and smiling through the tears this was actually happening.

We had to get a hotel in the area so we could be around for the appointment the next day.  Ben went and some dinner for us and we settled in with our little guy.

I can't describe the blessed feeling of having him in our arms and wishing we could have been his forever parents.  

I'll write more about our time together later.  It's taken me all day to write this one.  Ethan has had a fever for three days now and he is asking to cuddle.  The Dr. said it is just sinus/allergy stuff and that the fever could hang on for a few more days.  Praying it leaves quickly though, he is rarely sick, so when he is I worry more than I probably should.

Samuel's Birth

I would like to look back and try to tell the story of our time with Samuel as it was happening.  When we still thought he was ours to keep.  There were so many emotions that I wanted to capture before they faded.

Thursday, March 8

Ben and I left work early and traveled the 3.5 hours north to the city where Samuel was to be born.  On the way, we had a phone conversation with our attorney regarding the temporary custody papers that had to be signed so we could leave the hospital with him.  We had to some how get the paper also signed by the birth father, who lived in another state.  We panicked, we prayed, and we felt a peace about it.  I called the birth father and explained the situation and he assured me we had nothing to worry about, he would take care of it.

We met with my cousin (the one that introduced us) and Samuel's birth mother ("A") at a hotel near the army post Samuel would be born at.  We spent time with A and talked about everything from why she joined the Army to how her family was going to react to the news of Samuel's birth and adoption.  When we settled in our hotel room, neither of us could sleep well.  We might have gotten 4 hours or a little more.  We were so excited to finally meet the baby that would be ours!

Friday, March 9


We got up bright and early and headed to the post hospital at 5:30.  We followed A to the hospital and went to L&D.  When the nurse took us to the labor room, she asked who Ben and I were and I just looked at A.  She told them we were the adoptive parents and the nurse gave us the oddest look and asked us to wait in the waiting room while she got all prepped.

When we were allowed to come back, A said they told her that they didn't have to let us back there if she didn't want.  She told them she wanted us there.  Different people kept coming in and out and asking us to leave so they could talk to her.  We were kind of treated like some kind of baby snatchers by a few of the staff.  They even told us they were going to have to call social services and JAG to see how to proceed.  I gave them our legal paperwork and our attorney and agency phone numbers.  They were just not very receptive.

Labor progressed slowly through out the day, but we kept busy talking with A and my cousin joined us about lunch time.  We grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria and headed back to L&D. One of our conversations was in regards to how big we thought he might be.  "He'll be 7 pounds 4 ounces" said my husband.  I disagreed, he must be bigger than that by now, I thought.

 They finally checked for dilation late in the day and realized that a little after 5:00 that they wanted to break her water since she was progressing slowly.  Again, I was asked to leave the room while they placed her epidural.  They broke her water and my cousin and I held A's hands.  After that, she progressed very quickly.

Soon, the contractions were right on top of each other and very strong.  Her epidural did not take well and she said she was feeling everything.  I held her hand on one side and my cousin on the other.  We told her to squeeze our hands as hard as she could when the contractions came and remember to breath.  She was in so much pain and I could see it in her eyes.  She progressed from 5cm to 8cm in a matter of minutes and then there was a problem.  The Dr. looked at the baby's heart monitor and said, "Oh, crap!".  They quickly inserted the monitor on Samuel's head and then changed their minds on what was going to happen very quickly.

"We've got to get him out now."  The doctor said in a rush.  They shoved a paper under her hand for her to sign.  We started unplugging things like crazy and they took her away in a flash.  I told her everything was going to be fine, they just have to get him out.  After she was gone, my knees went weak and the tears started.  I'm not going to lie...for a moment, I thought that must be why she chose us.  We started praying and texting others to do the same.

In a matter of minutes, a nurse ran up the hall and said, "He is out, he is fine." That is all we knew.

A little while later, they wanted to clean out the labor room and asked us to take our stuff down to the post partum room.  On the way down the hall, I heard the most beautiful noise.  The cry of a newborn.

We walked in the room and there he was.  All stretched out under the warmer.  I wasn't allowed to pick him right up, but I could stand beside him and look in his big eyes.

How much did he weigh?

7 pounds 4 ounces

Ben was right.

One of the nurses made the comment, "As soon as he came out there was a big, loud cry.  No problems with those lungs!"   All I could say was, "That is the most beautiful sound in the world".  They must have thought I was nuts.

After a little while under the warmer and his first bath (which he hated by the way) I was allowed to hold him and give him his first bottle.

After he ate and he burped I had to give him back to the nurses.  By then, A was out of recovery and on her way back to the room.  She was in so much pain.  Since her epidural didn't take and she was put under general anesthesia, she was waking up feeling the full effects of the c-section. 

Once again, they made us leave the room.  For almost an hour.

One thing that made us nervous about this hospital was there was no nursery.  The baby had to be in the room with the birth mother the whole stay.  We had talked before Samuel's birth and she wanted us to be there to provide most the care, but said she would hold him and probably feed him a few times.  I thought this was a good idea.

As that first night progressed, I was amazed by the newness of this little guy.  He ate well, but in the middle of the night, he started gagging and spitting up huge amounts of his formula.  The nurses kept saying it was because he was a c-section baby and didn't get a good squeeze on the way out.  But I knew better.  I slept maybe a total of 30 minutes this night.  Everytime I would lay him down, he would start heaving, gagging and then spitting up.  So I held him most of the night.  I didn't mind loosing the sleep.  I was staring at one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  

They told us Ben had to leave. He could sleep in the waiting room if he wanted, but he wouldn't be allowed to be with us at all through the night.  He ended up sleeping in the van.

I never thought I would get to hold a newborn so fresh to the world again.  But I did.  And he was so beautiful.  I just couldn't believe he was mine.  

2012 so far...

So far, 2012 has been a blur.  I'm friends with many of you on facebook and many of you follow my other blog so you will already know kind of what's going on, but for those who don't...

In early January, we get an email stated it could possibly another full year before we bring home a child from South Korea.

January 11 we get an email from a cousin asking if we would be interested in meeting a friend of hers who has decided to make an adoption plan.

January 14 we meet "A" and decide to proceed with a private, open adoption plan.  Baby boy is due in March (just 5 days from my brother and SIL due date), but doctors suspect baby will be born in 3-4 weeks!

February- My uncle (my mom's brother) very quickly and unexpectedly passes away.  The day after his funeral, February 14, my Father passes away as well.  All in all, we attended 3 funerals and 4 visitations in less than a month.

March- My brother and SIL welcome their little boy...well, big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, into the world!

We are now anticipating the arrival of the newest addition to our family this week.  No latter than Friday!

We are beyond excited, but there is still a large amount of grief to take into consideration.  Our gain is our birth mothers grief.  She is an incredibly brave and courageous woman whom I am so glad I have gotten the opportunity to know.  We are still somewhat guarded.  We know the possibilities, but we also know God is in control.  We are simply waiting and hoping in Him.

I really wish I could have been processing my grief here over the past month with so much loss in our lives and the grief that Ethan has expressed.  There is just SO much going on it has been impossible to do everything.  Thank you all for your prayers.

Big News!

Wow...it has been a LONG time since I posted on this blog.  I think I needed some time away, and while I miss blogging, I'm not ready to say I'm going to dive back in.  With that being said, there have been many changes in our lives during the past few weeks and in turn, there will be many changes here on this blog.

I've started writing several times about all these changes and I never can get them all out, the delete button is worn out and I know I will never have the perfect words to express my awe of Him and His plans, so here goes...

If it be God's will and as far as we know...we will be bringing a baby into our home in 2-4 weeks!

There is a very brave woman who only wants the best for her children who is due in a few weeks and has asked us if we would like to pursue an independent, semi-open adoption.  We have met with this wonderful woman two times now and talked on the phone several times.  We have met with an attorney.  The papers are all ready to go.  A crib has been assembled and our homestudy has been changed.  And now we wait.

I hope to go back in time and write individual posts about all of this journey, but everything started happening so quickly, I just haven't had the time!  In a matter of days, we went from thinking that we may be adopting an almost 2 yr old little girl from Korea sometime in the next two years to bringing home an infant boy through a domestic adoption in a matter of weeks!

What will this do for us and Korea?  Well, at the very least, it will put it on hold and we are seeking God as to when we should (or even could) pursue an international adoption again at some point.

Just to give you a little hint as to how God has had his hand in all of this, I wanted to share this little "God wink".  January 14, 2011 we signed our very first piece of adoption paperwork.  January 14, 2012, one year to the day later, we met "A" the very brave birthmom I mentioned earlier.

Again, I hope to share details soon...or at least the details we feel comfortable sharing at this point.

As for now, pray for "A" as she is going through a lot of stressful situations right now and we want to cover her in prayer.  Also pray for the birthfather.  Pray for Ben and I as we are preparing to be parents to a newborn again (something we thought would never happen...but are SO thrilled that it is), pray for Ethan as he is noticing changes around our home and wanting to know more about this baby.  Pray we have the right words for him to understand.  Pray that everything that needs to happen legally runs smoothly and the process is peaceful and healing for all parties involved.

Thank you all who are now reading this, for hanging in there with us through all these changes and for the prayers!!!

My Hope Fulfilled: Interview Project

November is National Adoption Month and to celebrate, Heather from Production, Not Reproduction organized the adoption bloggers Interview Project!  Bloggers with experiences in all kinds of of adoption joined in and were randomly paired together for interviews.

I was paired with Michelle from My Hope Fulfilled.  It has been a blessing learning more about Michelle and her beautiful family.  Michelle blogs about her family, open adoption, parenting, and other fun things.  You can read her story HERE.

Below is my questions (in bold) and her answers.  You can read my answers to her questions on this post.

***

Q:  When you were in the beginning phases of the adoption process, what were the major factors that led you to domestic infant adoption?

: : The cost, the timeline, and the average age of the child placed in our family.  

Q: After talking to other adoptive parents, I often learn that husbands and wives often have very different concerns about adoption.  Was that the case for you?   If so, what were some of your husband's concerns? What kind of concerns did you have?

: : We had discovered that we had a common interest in adoption before we even began dating.  So when fertility issues arose, it seemed like an obvious choice.  My husband was quicker to jump aboard the adoption train, but I think that's because fertility treatments would have involved some needles going in placed he had no interest in getting poked {here's a post about that}.  Our main concern was cost - how would we ever afford it?!  God blessed us with people who helped out financially, some part time jobs where we could earn extra money, and a family member who gave us an interest free loan until we get the tax credit money back.

Q:  I love the scripture in your tagline (it is one of the verses my 4 yr old has memorized).  What were some of the other scriptures you clung to during the wait?

: : Sometimes I wonder if I had the best attitude while waiting...I really clung to Psalms 20 and 103 which deal with God granting you the desires of your heart if you delight in Him.  At one point in my life, I was sure I never wanted children, but God changed my heart on that, so I held on to the fact that if He placed the desire on my heart to be a mom, He was going to fulfill it.

Q:  I noticed that you are a scrapbooker (me too!), how much of your adoption story do you plan on including in your son's scrapbooks?  Will you include every detail, or an abbreviated version?

: : A lot of it!  I didn't go into the heart breaking weeks that unfolded during the beginning of his life, but I will tell him all about that someday.  All the happy things surrounding the adoption, including tons of pictures of his birth family are included.  Between the scrapbooks and my blog, he's going to get pretty much the whole story!

Q:  The relationship you have with your son's birth mom is beautiful.  What led you to choose open adoption?

: : Honestly, I'm not sure.  I think I was just so desperate for a baby, I was willing to broach any kind of openness situation.  However, the more I read about open adoption I realized what a healthy relationship it could be for birth mom and adoptee (and everyone else, too).  When I found the blog, Heart Cries, I was sold.  I realized I actually wanted an open adoption.  When Jen picked us, I don't think she intended for us to have as open of an adoption as we have, but it's beautifully unfolding.  We are facebook friends, live about 35 minutes apart, and invite each other to our children's birthday parties.  It is like we have a very special part of our extended family.

Q:  What are some of the blessings of open adoption?

: : Knowing that Levi will never have to wonder if anyone wanted him.  He'll always know he was loved, he will always know his first family.  The more people to love on my son, the better!  On the flip side, I love that open adoption gives Jen the opportunity to see Levi grow up and see how absolutely adored he is.  Also, open adoption is great for obvious reasons like health issues.  We found out his birth father is highly allergic to strawberries, and his birth mother has some dairy issues, so it's helped us watch out for those things in the food that we give Levi.  

Q:  What are some of the harder parts of open adoption?

: : The more I get to know my son's birth mother, the more I love her, and the more I ache for her over the decision she made.  I wrote a post about it {here}.

Q:  How do you decide how much of your life to share on your blog?

: : I try to be pretty transparent.  I have a hard time keeping anything in my own life "private."  If there's ever a question about whether or not I should share something on the blog, I run it by my husband.  He's got great discernment.  But honestly, the only things I've not written about in detail are those things which are nitty gritty and not edifying to anyone anyway.

Q:  When do you find time to blog?

: : I usually blog in the evenings.  Our computer is in the living room so I can blog while my husband watches TV and we are still "together."  I also get things done during Levi's naps.

1Q:  When (in the process) and how did you tell your families you were starting the adoption process?  What were their reactions?

: : Pretty much as soon as we decided to start looking into it.  Everyone was supportive but some were a little bit concerned about the potential emotional roller coaster.  I think most of those fears were actually realized when our adoption was temporarily disrupted, but in the long run, Levi's adoption has been a huge bonding point for our families.

Adoption Update

Well, I guess this title is a bit misleading.  There is really no new news in about the adoption.  Things are still were they were in May (as far as I know).  I did have a conversation with our social worker last month when I was sending my employer change letter and she said that the best estimate she had heard was that referrals would resume in late November.  Once they start issuing new referrals, our file would be sent.

So here we are, waiting.  In January we were told to expect a referral by fall...well, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen since our file hasn't even made it to Korea yet :-)  I'm thinking that if all goes smoothly, we are probably looking at another year before we bring our baby home.  In one breath, that feels so daunting, but in the next I am calm about it.  We have kind of settled into the wait and are putting our hope in Him.

We know that God has the best timing and we know that if we seek Him before all else, He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28).  

I have been reading other adoptive moms that are now waiting for their referrals.  They describe it as in the last days of pregnancy and the anxiousness of when exactly you will see your baby's sweet face for the first time.  My emotions are more like a momma trying to get pregnant.  Everyday it's like waiting to see if that pregnancy test is positive.  Everyday I wonder if I will get the call (or maybe email) saying that our file is sent and we will officially be on the wait list.    

We are waiting and we are trusting....

Empowered to Connect

On Friday, Ben and I drove just outside of Nashville, to Brentwood, TN to the Empowered to Connect Conference that was sponsored by Show Hope.  

There was SO SO SO much information given at this conference that I will have to pass much of it along in (many) separate posts, but here are just some of the highlights of the weekend!

*Dr. Karyn Purvis.  This woman is amazing.  Her research and presentations are a perfect balance of science, faith and action.  If you are an adoptive family, I highly recommend purchasing her book, The Connected Child.  Ben was so impressed, he wanted to purchase the video resource library.

* Getting to spend some time with our friends (in real life) Jason and LeeAnne.  They are adopting from China and we got to spend time together at the conference and at a few meals.  It's really encouraging to know another local family on this journey!

* We packed lunches for Friday and ate on the way to Financial Peace Plaza.  Dave Ramsey's home office is also in Brentwood and even though we knew he was out of town promoting his new book, we had to go by the office and check out the bookstore and studios and say hi to Martha, the guest services manager.  Martha was so kind to us and shared stories about Dave and gave us cookies and tea.

Where Dave would have been sitting if he was in the studio.

* We had Coldstone Creamery for dessert on Friday night.  This was a treat, because we usually don't splurge on eating dessert out and Ben has been lactose intolerant all of his adult life until about 3 months ago.

*We met Bri and Eric from Sweet Carolina Grace!  It was so great to actually meet another adoption blogger and talk about adoption, our bio boys and blogging.  

It was truely amazing to be around so many like-minded people and to see all the adoption t-shirts and lots of babies!  Most of the conference talked about children from hard places and for foster/adoptive parents, but Ben and I intend to use some of the techniques and parenting ideas with Ethan.  We want to be connected parents and we want long-lasting, meaningful relationships with our kids and really enjoyed the way Dr. Purvis  linked the biology of the brain and behavior.  It made so much sense!

I hope to post much more about the conference and pass along all the little nuggets shared by Dr. Purvis and the adoptive parents that shared their stories, but now, its definitely time to get some rest!

Little boy in red and yellow.

August 29th gave us a challenge we have not yet had in this adoption journey.  A phone call from our agency asking if we would be interested in looking a photos of a 19 month old little boy in South Korea that is ready to be adopted.  He had some medical issues at 2 months and his agency was waiting to see if it caused any long term issues.  It hadn't, so now he is 19 months and ready to find his forever family.

August 30th was my Dad's biopsy that officially found his lung cancer and the start of a 4 day hospital stay.

We prayed about this little boy.  When the email with his photos came through, we took a deep breath and looked.  The first thing we did is smile and look at his big eyes and long black hair sitting in the floor in his red and yellow outfit.  We commented on how adorable he was and neither one of us wanted to say what was in our hearts, but later we found out it was the same thing...this is not meant to be our child...

"They" say you will just know when you see your child's face for the first time.  You will know that it is the child meant for your family.  I can tell you that over the next couple of days, I agonized over the decision to see this child's file.  We prayed about it and with Dad in the hospital recovering from the biopsy and a collapsed lung, I had a lot of time to seek God on this.  Naturally, fear set in.  In all forms.

I thought, "What if we do accept to look at this child's file, accept this as a referral, and start this process?  He  would be over 2 when we got to travel...our homestudy is only approved for up to 24 months...would they deny us once we got there for that?"  "What if we don't look at this child's file and no one else does either...what will happen to him?"  "What if this child IS meant for our family?  What if this is his last chance?  What if this is our last chance?"

This was not a decision we took lightly.  We tried to look at it from all angles, but even when we tried to talk about saying yes to even looking at the child's file, but we just did not feel peace about it.

Everyday since then, this little one has been on my heart..  His life right now, his future, his biological family.  Would you all please join with me in praying for the almost 20 month old little boy in the red and yellow outfit.

(I want to clarify that this was not an official referral.  We aren't even technically on the wait list because our file is on hold with our placement agency until Korea starts issuing referrals again this fall.)

So Loved

We feel SO LOVED by all that has been done for us during the planning and the course of the online auction.  I knew it would be a lot of work, but whew!  In the end, totally worth it!  With just 10 minutes to spare, we hit our goal of $1000 and by the end, we were $24 over!!!  Praise God!

Thank you to all that donated!

Thank you to all that prayed!

Thank you to all that bid!

Thank you all for allowing God to use you in a practical way!

And thank you to all the winners and to those generous ones who are adding a couple of dollars on to your total bid (with the help of that handy "donate" button on the top left side bar) to help incur the shipping costs without it biting into our total raised!

Now that the auction is over, I really want to talk about something besides myself, fundraising and stuff.  Even beautiful stuff is just stuff.  I want to share about the news we got regarding Korea and new adoption laws, but first I want to share about something amazing that Wild Olive Tees is doing.  When I read the email from them in my inbox yesterday, I knew I had to share it with all of you because it touched my heart in some very deep places.  It is a story of love, adoption, orphans, heart conditions and the death of a child dearly loved.  If you know much about our story, you know why these topics are so close to me.  I could barely read through their story without being brought to tears.  But I would love to share it with you.   Please, please, GO HERE and read about precious little Esther and what you can do to help support other orphan's with heart defects like hers.  Wild Olive has designed the SO LOVED shirts like this one:




to help fund future heart surgeries of orphans in China like little Esther. 100% of the proceeds of the sale of this shirt go to that cause. And because Wild Olive is so generous they are giving away 15 of these shirts! Please go support Wild Olive as they bring hope to these orphans by giving them the surgeries that they need while they wait for their forever family.  

Looks Like Heaven

In May we were blessed to be invited to the yearly picnic held by our homestudy agency.  From our first meeting with them, they mentioned the picnic and told us to keep our calendars clear for that day.  I was so excited when the day came!  It was on a Sunday afternoon and we drove a little distance to get there.  It was so amazing to see so many countries represented there!  They made an announcement that this was one of the most unique events in the country because there were people from over 30 (well, 30 something...I couldn't hear that part really well) countries there.  All the beautiful children!  I got teary looking at all the different children and families and remembered a line from Choosing to S.ee.   I leaned over to my husband and could barely get out the words before choking up..."This must be what Heaven looks like".

I took some photos that day, mostly of Ethan, but I really failed at capturing the beauty of the day.

Ethan going up to the BIG curly slide.

And this is how he came out of the BIG curly slide!

He had so much fun!

Feeding the goats at the petting zoo.

He always wanted his shoes to go down the slide before him.

Some of the flags of the countries represented.

Us infront of the flag of South Korea.

After a yummy dinner, we got rained out :(

There was so much more.  Live music, face painting, ice cream, drinks...and the best part (especially for a family that is adopting) is that everything was FREE!

At the time, we kept saying to each other, "Can you imagine!?  We are going to have our little one here by the time the next picnic rolls around!"  Now we know that may not be true.  Well, actually, that is more than likely not true.  But, we still may go next year and try to connect with other families a little more.  This time we were a bit shy and just taking it all in.

I am already looking forward to next May!!!

Wild Olive Tees Fundraiser

UPDATE: Wild Olive Tees has extended our fundraising period until June 30th!!!  So if you haven't ordered yet, there is still time!

***

I try not to post a lot on this blog about the adoption fundraisers that we have going on, but I just had to share this one.  Because I LOVE these tees!!!  Until Saturday, May 14th, you can purchase the tees you find HERE and use code WELLS0417 in the coupon code box and a portion of the proceeds will go to our adoption fund.  Please take a minute to browse their site, but until you have the chance, I thought I would leave you with some of my favorite designs!  (Also, if you want to keep up with our adoption progress and news you can go to our adoption blog, Bring Hope Home).

Accepted and Waiting!

I got an email today from our placement agency.

Which do you want to hear first...the good news or the bad news? 

The good news is our pre-application has been accepted!!! YAY!!!

The bad news is there is new time lines.  The Korea Program manager with our placement agency said that families are now seeing wait times between 4 and 6 months before they can fill out their formal appplication.  Just to clarify, we will not be put on a waiting list or any of our paperwork sent to Korea for 4-6 more months.  Then they are seeing a 6-9 month wait until a referral may be made.  What was originally given to us as a 6 month wait to a referral and 3-4 month wait after that to travel has now turned into a 10-15 month wait for referral. 

So, what does all this mean? 

It just means we wait longer.  God's time.  Not ours.  The end.

What do we need right now?

*PRAYER!  Prayer for God's direction in every decision and His divine comfort as we wait.

*Money.  I'm going to be honest.  Adoption is expensive.  We are raising funds and we trust God to walk us through this.  If you know us personally, you know we hate debt and believe the borrower is slave to the lender and think maybe this extra wait time is given to us to raise more funds and save more money.  God's plan.  Not ours.

*Patience.  We are doing ok in this area now.  But Ethan asks us almost everyday when we are going to South Korea to get our baby.  He has experienced so much loss in his life I really just want to protect his heart while we wait.

What are we waiting on?

The next step is getting fingerprints.  We are currently waiting on our letter from CIS to make the trip to get our fingerprints done. 

‎"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

~Psalm 33:20-22

Progress is being made!

We are feeling some progress being made!  The past two weeks have felt like baby steps but now I feel like a lot of things are now out of our hands and where they need to be for now.  So...here are the two major things accomplished this week:

* We FINALLY got everything worked out with the bank and re-submitted our financial statement to our placing agency and to our homestudy agency to revise our homestudy.

* Our I600A was sent to our homestudy agency and ready to be mailed with our revised homestudy!!!  YAY!!!

I'm SO excited to have these two things done!

What is next:

We now wait on recieving notification to have our biometrics (fingerprints) done.

I'm not feeling impatient yet, I just didn't anticipate certain things taking the amount of time that they did.  I'm not complaining though.  God knows our child.  He knows the child's needs and when we will be a forever family.

Our Hope is in Him.

We wait in Hope.

We wait in Hope

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

~Psalm 33:20-22

We are in need of some prayers today.  Please be praying somethings work out.  I know I'm being really general...

We need a certain amount of money to be in our accounts before we can be placed on the waiting list.  We are working on a few options and should *hopefully* know something in the next couple of days.  This is not something every country requires, but the Korea program wants to see we have all the funds, plus some, in our account before they approve our application. 

We wait in Hope for the Lord. 

We put our Hope in Him!

Bring Hope Home

I'm at it again :-)

Yup, I started another blog.  I began to feel a little guilty about talking so much on this blog about the adoption and fundraisers.  You all area wonderful commentors and readers and I don't want to bombard you with fundraisers when that is not the reason you came here.  If you found me through a loss blog, the last thing I want to do is to seem like I am taking advantage of your being here.  I will be posting more about the progress of the adoption on another blog and the fundraisers and such.  We are so excited and so blessed to be welcoming another child into our family and please feel free to follow our journey over there as well. 

I will still post some here about the adoption journey or at least direct you over there when major progress is made. 

So...if you so choose, head on over to Bring Hope Home and leave me some love letting me know you've been there.  The blog is still a work in progress, but I don't plan on spending much time on blog design...SO SO SO much more to do!!!