Samuel's Birth

I would like to look back and try to tell the story of our time with Samuel as it was happening.  When we still thought he was ours to keep.  There were so many emotions that I wanted to capture before they faded.

Thursday, March 8

Ben and I left work early and traveled the 3.5 hours north to the city where Samuel was to be born.  On the way, we had a phone conversation with our attorney regarding the temporary custody papers that had to be signed so we could leave the hospital with him.  We had to some how get the paper also signed by the birth father, who lived in another state.  We panicked, we prayed, and we felt a peace about it.  I called the birth father and explained the situation and he assured me we had nothing to worry about, he would take care of it.

We met with my cousin (the one that introduced us) and Samuel's birth mother ("A") at a hotel near the army post Samuel would be born at.  We spent time with A and talked about everything from why she joined the Army to how her family was going to react to the news of Samuel's birth and adoption.  When we settled in our hotel room, neither of us could sleep well.  We might have gotten 4 hours or a little more.  We were so excited to finally meet the baby that would be ours!

Friday, March 9


We got up bright and early and headed to the post hospital at 5:30.  We followed A to the hospital and went to L&D.  When the nurse took us to the labor room, she asked who Ben and I were and I just looked at A.  She told them we were the adoptive parents and the nurse gave us the oddest look and asked us to wait in the waiting room while she got all prepped.

When we were allowed to come back, A said they told her that they didn't have to let us back there if she didn't want.  She told them she wanted us there.  Different people kept coming in and out and asking us to leave so they could talk to her.  We were kind of treated like some kind of baby snatchers by a few of the staff.  They even told us they were going to have to call social services and JAG to see how to proceed.  I gave them our legal paperwork and our attorney and agency phone numbers.  They were just not very receptive.

Labor progressed slowly through out the day, but we kept busy talking with A and my cousin joined us about lunch time.  We grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria and headed back to L&D. One of our conversations was in regards to how big we thought he might be.  "He'll be 7 pounds 4 ounces" said my husband.  I disagreed, he must be bigger than that by now, I thought.

 They finally checked for dilation late in the day and realized that a little after 5:00 that they wanted to break her water since she was progressing slowly.  Again, I was asked to leave the room while they placed her epidural.  They broke her water and my cousin and I held A's hands.  After that, she progressed very quickly.

Soon, the contractions were right on top of each other and very strong.  Her epidural did not take well and she said she was feeling everything.  I held her hand on one side and my cousin on the other.  We told her to squeeze our hands as hard as she could when the contractions came and remember to breath.  She was in so much pain and I could see it in her eyes.  She progressed from 5cm to 8cm in a matter of minutes and then there was a problem.  The Dr. looked at the baby's heart monitor and said, "Oh, crap!".  They quickly inserted the monitor on Samuel's head and then changed their minds on what was going to happen very quickly.

"We've got to get him out now."  The doctor said in a rush.  They shoved a paper under her hand for her to sign.  We started unplugging things like crazy and they took her away in a flash.  I told her everything was going to be fine, they just have to get him out.  After she was gone, my knees went weak and the tears started.  I'm not going to lie...for a moment, I thought that must be why she chose us.  We started praying and texting others to do the same.

In a matter of minutes, a nurse ran up the hall and said, "He is out, he is fine." That is all we knew.

A little while later, they wanted to clean out the labor room and asked us to take our stuff down to the post partum room.  On the way down the hall, I heard the most beautiful noise.  The cry of a newborn.

We walked in the room and there he was.  All stretched out under the warmer.  I wasn't allowed to pick him right up, but I could stand beside him and look in his big eyes.

How much did he weigh?

7 pounds 4 ounces

Ben was right.

One of the nurses made the comment, "As soon as he came out there was a big, loud cry.  No problems with those lungs!"   All I could say was, "That is the most beautiful sound in the world".  They must have thought I was nuts.

After a little while under the warmer and his first bath (which he hated by the way) I was allowed to hold him and give him his first bottle.

After he ate and he burped I had to give him back to the nurses.  By then, A was out of recovery and on her way back to the room.  She was in so much pain.  Since her epidural didn't take and she was put under general anesthesia, she was waking up feeling the full effects of the c-section. 

Once again, they made us leave the room.  For almost an hour.

One thing that made us nervous about this hospital was there was no nursery.  The baby had to be in the room with the birth mother the whole stay.  We had talked before Samuel's birth and she wanted us to be there to provide most the care, but said she would hold him and probably feed him a few times.  I thought this was a good idea.

As that first night progressed, I was amazed by the newness of this little guy.  He ate well, but in the middle of the night, he started gagging and spitting up huge amounts of his formula.  The nurses kept saying it was because he was a c-section baby and didn't get a good squeeze on the way out.  But I knew better.  I slept maybe a total of 30 minutes this night.  Everytime I would lay him down, he would start heaving, gagging and then spitting up.  So I held him most of the night.  I didn't mind loosing the sleep.  I was staring at one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  

They told us Ben had to leave. He could sleep in the waiting room if he wanted, but he wouldn't be allowed to be with us at all through the night.  He ended up sleeping in the van.

I never thought I would get to hold a newborn so fresh to the world again.  But I did.  And he was so beautiful.  I just couldn't believe he was mine.  

Jakin's Birth Story

First, we would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as we have began this journey once again.  God never left our side.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 yesterday morning and after the admit process and paperwork, the medication began.  I got an IV of fluids and Dr. C came in, talked with us and gave me the first round of Cytotek to soften the cervix and begin dialation.  He said I would get this medication every 4 hours until delivery and warned it could take up to 5 doses.

We began the wait and contractions slowly began sometime before noon.  I got the second dose of Cytotek at 1:30.  Contractions began getting stronger and longer, so the nurse called the anestesiologist to prepare him for my epideral when the time was right.  After talking to him, my nurse informed me that I could not have an epideral.  The Lovenox I was on to prevent clots is known to create them if an epideral occurs with 48 hours of the last dose.  The risk of a clot in the spinal column leading to paralyzation was too high, so they agreed that when I asked for it, I could have pain meds through the IV.

By this time the contractions were getting really strong and I couldn't really speak through them.  I could only get comfortable on my side, so thats how I stayed.  Jakin is my third child, but this is the first time I have been in full labor.

Very suddenly, close to 5:00pm I started feeling strong pressure and we called the nurse.  Honestly, I knew it was time, but I was scared.  I knew once I pushed, it would all be over and we would begin saying our final good-byes.  When the nurse got into the room, I think I was yelling...I don't know what I was saying, but it was probably begging her to help me.  I was scared.

She quickly got her gloved on and checked me and the bag of waters had desended, but not burst, which is what they wanted to see.  She called Dr. C and told him to come quick.  She had bareley gotten offf the phone when I felt the extreme urge to push. 

At 5:05, Jakin Isaac was born.  8.4 ounces and 9 inches long.

But, I couldn't see him or hold him yet.  The nurse called the Dr. back and let him know and to come on over.  I had to wait on the Dr to come, break the bag of waters and cut the cord.  The placenta had not passed yet.

When Dr. Cunningham walked in the door, he got right to work and soon they had wrapped Jakin in a blanket and laid him on my chest.  He had the most perfect little ears, and fingers and toes.  The shape of his fingernails reminded me of Ethan (I know it must sound crazy, but it's true).  We took photos and he stayed in the room with us until the funeral home came to pick him up at around 8:30.

After he was born, there was still the risk that I might have to have a D&C if the placenta didn't pass on its own.  So we waited and waited.  Finally, sometime after 7:00, Dr. C came in and got it out non-surgically.

The funeral director and another lady from the funeral home came sometime after 8.  They talked with us, and of course said how much they were not expecting to see us in this situation again.  I really appreciate them and how sensative and gentle they have been.

After we talked, we knew it was time to say good-bye.  Ben brought him to me one more time and I looked at him and said goodbye on this side of Heaven.  Ben carried him to the funeral home director who had a bag marked "fragile".  Inside this bag was the little casket we have seen before.  They gently placed him inside and we watched as they closed the lid.  This moment was probably the hardest one moment about this day.

When they left, I finally got to eat a few bites of food and drink, but after not eating anything for 24 hours and what had just happened, I suddenly didn't have much of an appetite.

The nurse graciously moved us to a different room with a more comfy bed and better internet access and by 10:00 we were settled in for the night.

It's now Thursday morning and I expect to be discharged in the next few hours.

I'm tired.  No, that's probably an understatement.  I'm beyond tired.  But I survived and now we must take the next steps to finish the funeral arrangements and get through the next few days.  I know God was with us.  He never left our side.  He was there, crying with us and holding us tight.

To all of you who have messaged, commented, and been praying for us...Thank you for letting God use you to minister to us.  You just don't know how much it means.

Shyla's Birth Story

This story is a long one. Usually when a mother sees the first signs of her baby’s delivery, she is holding her darling within hours. I, in a sense, labored for two days.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I finally had worried enough and decided to call my doctor. After hearing that I didn’t think I had felt my baby move all day, and possibly the day before, he advised me to go to Labor and Delivery, just to be sure everything was ok. Shyla was such a gentle mover from the beginning, so, I wasn’t really sure if I had not felt her or not. My mom insisted that I did not go alone, so she and Ethan, my 2 ½ year old son drove me the thirty minutes to the hospital. My husband was working and couldn’t get to his phone, but I left him a message letting him know what was going on.

As soon as I mentioned to the L&D nurse what was going on, she rushed me into a room, had me changed into a gown and was getting my vitals. There were three nurses buzzing around the bed trying to find her heartbeat with a Doppler. A sick feeling began to set in as one after another they would take their turn. “There it is! No wait, that is mine.” I thought as they kept checking. I refused to let my mind go any further. I asked that they do an ultrasound and they told me my Doctor would as soon as he got there. My husband had gotten my message and got to the hospital as soon as he could. Two minutes later, my Doctor arrived. As he entered the room, he asked that the blinds be closed. It was so dark in that room. The doctor turned on the ultrasound machine and touched the cold gel to my belly. In all honesty, as soon as her little body appeared on that screen, I knew she was gone. The once lovely “woosh woosh woosh” could not be heard and I could not see any motion in her heart. I knew. But I waited and I prayed. It only took the doctor a minute to take everything in and say, “I’m sorry, the ultrasound confirms…” I really don’t remember what was said after that moment. I began to weep uncontrollably. My husband was at my right side squeezing my hand and crying. My mother and son were at the foot of my bed. She was crying and he looked concerned. When my eyes fell on him, I tried to pull myself together enough to tell my mother to be strong for him. I asked her to take him out in the waiting area while we talked with the Doctor.

After looking over my files, my Doctor decided that I was too far along to try to induce with medication and I was showing no signs of being anywhere near going into labor on my own. (I was 28 weeks...I was seven months...I was in the last trimester.)  I had a c-section with my first child and the medication used to induce increased the risk of a uterine rupture, so a repeat c-section looked like the best way to go. There was blood work that needed to be done and the doctor wanted to see me in his office the next day just to double check for any signs of labor before proceeding with the c-section. So after scheduling with the OR for Wednesday, September 2, we went home. I can’t describe the emotions in my mind as I left the hospital. I was a different person at 9:30pm that night than I was at 4:00pm that day.

On the long drive home, my husband and made a few calls to those closest to us and made arrangements with work. We would stop between calls and just cry. We went home that night and tried to sleep. I was very unsuccessful at this task. I found myself wide awake most of the night and decided to get online. I found an online support group and read stories of women who had gone through was I was beginning to go through. This is my equivalent of laboring all night. I prayed. I cried. I tried to sleep.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I went to my Doctor’s office midmorning to be checked for any signs of labor. Zero. My Doctor spent a lot of time with us. At this point, there were no indications of what went wrong. He was full of condolences and questions. I tried to answer everything to the best of my ability. He conducted an ultrasound and said she had probably been gone for a couple of days. I felt so confused. How could I not have known? The Doctor ordered a huge amount of blood work that would need to be completed at the hospital and I would have to pre-admit also. He talked with us about contacting a funeral home and planning a service. He was as kind and as gentle as I could have asked for.

After leaving his office, my husband and I ate lunch with the Pastor of our church. He prayed with us and just listened. Then we made our way to the hospital. The pre-admit process was not as pleasant. The woman behind the counter was less than congenial and made a comment about having the baby. I had to inform her that our daughter would be stillborn. She offered her condolences and was a little nicer after that. Then on to the lab for blood work. They tied up my arm and proceeded to take twenty vials of blood.
After leaving the hospital, we began calling the funeral home to plan for the service. I cannot describe the pain of this process. We then picked up our son from my mother’s house and went home. We spent the evening packing for the hospital, loving on our son and rubbing my belly. My pregnancy was drawing to an end and I knew it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

We took our time getting ready to leave for the hospital. We were instructed to be there around noon and would hopefully be in surgery shortly after. We dropped off Ethan at my mom’s and started that drive. On the way to the hospital, the Third Day song, Tunnel, came on the radio. The lyrics comforting and this became my anthem for the day. When I arrived, they hooked me up to an IV and I began filling out paperwork for the anesthesiologist. After a while, they noticed my IV wasn’t delivering fluids properly and began to push the needle around under the skin. They must have hit a nerve because I saw stars. It hurt so much. I began to sing the lyrics from Tunnel. When all of the hospital personnel were no longer in the room, my husband and I said very little. There was a peace and calmness that I could not describe that filled the room. We had a couple of visitors while we waited. But mostly we just sat there, holding hands.

At about 1:00pm my Doctor came into the room talked with us then prayed.  Then they wheeled me into the OR.  I received my spinal (while again singing Tunnel) and the surgery began. It was so eerily quiet in that room. No one was talking. I began to shiver and they gave me another blanket. I felt the pressure move around in my abdomen. I knew she would be taken soon. Then the pressure released. There was no first cry or gasp for first breath. It was all over. 1:26pm is the time that was written on the bassinet card they gave me. They wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to my husband. This is when it became really real to him. I could see the pain in his eyes as he held her little body. He brought her too me and I was at such peace at that moment. Then they took her away to weigh her and dress her. That is when I began to cry.

In the recovery room, we got to spend about a hour with her. We held her and had a very good friend who just started volunteering with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation take some photographs. I held her and tried to memorize how she looked and how the light weight of 1 pound and 11 ounces felt in my arms. Then it was time to say good-bye. The nurse gave us just another few moments alone, then took her away.

I feel I must add that after all that I experienced these three days and all I will continue to experience, I have hope.  I have hope because Christ has given me hope and I cannot grieve as those who have no hope.  My hope is for the future and for a time when I will hold my baby girl again.



"... we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope."  1 Thessalonians 4:13