I've seen posts where women share all their meds that they have to take while trying to get pregnant or while pregnant in the case of IVF or embryo adoption.  If you are not new to the infertility/loss/ttc blogs, I'm sure you have too.

This is not one of those posts.

This is about the left-overs.

I usually don't write about this stuff.  And I don't advise any one to ever post that they are taking any kinds of meds that can be abused due to bad people that might want to take advantage of you.  But none of this is worth stealing...unless you have a bunch of clotting disorders, high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat among other things.
Anyway, I was doing some house cleaning I started gathering all the meds I had to take during my pregnancy with Jakin.  (Just another note: don't keep meds in the medicine cabinet...it is the first place addicts...or experimenting teens...will look if they want to steal from you)

When all was said and done this is what I had...

What in the world am I supposed to do with all this?

Yuck.  I hate meds.  Especially meds that are meant to save your baby's life-but don't.

Follow Up

"Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill?  This can be nothing but sadness of heart?"
Nehemiah 2:2

I had my post-partum appointment with my regular OB today.  He is always so sympathetic and kind.  He spoke softly about our plans for the future and asked what we were thinking.  I shared with him our thoughts and that while we are no where near ready at this moment to expand our family again, we think *maybe* someday we will be. 

He could barely look me in the eye when he said, with my history, he really doesn't recommend that.

Honestly, I was a bit shocked.  My high risk OB tried to assure us on the day of Jakin's death that it was unrelated to Shyla's and that the odds of it happening to us again are very, very low.  Now my doctor, who I respect and have trusted since I began my journey as a mother is talking to me about permanent birth control.

I'm only 27.

Again, not that I am ready at all to be pregnant again right away, but someday, I thought we would feel led to expand our family.  I never thought I would be looking at never being pregnant again.  Even with two babies in Heaven, I still have hope it is possible to have a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy.  It took me by surprise to say the least and I have been very teary since. 

After I left the Dr I had a few stops to make and I had to do them today.  In between stores I sat in the car and cried.  The people in the stores I spoke to and stood in line with had no idea the battle I was facing and the thoughts going through my mind.  Everyone was in a hurry and I'm sure with all they had on their own mind didn't notice the tears in my eyes.

Please remember to be kinder than necessary as you wrap up your Christmas shopping and are out and about.  You never know what the cashier or the person you are in line behind is facing.   

A Different Kind of Healing

God healed Jakin's heart today, but not the way we were wanting.

I'm saddened beyond words to let you all know that today, between 3:00 and 4:00pm our Jakin went to be with Jesus.

We met with our pediatric cardiologist and after having a hard time finding a heartbeat, one was finally located, but was only beating at 40 bpm.  She cried and prayed with us and told us and sent us to the high risk OB I have been seeing.  As soon as we arrived, we were ushered to another ultrasound room and by the time the ultrasound got started, no heartbeat could be found at all. 

He went over our options with us and assured us there was nothing we could or should have done differently.  He told us repeatedly that this was a very, very rare outcome.  He made sure we knew it had nothing to do with the reasons that Shyla went to Heaven and that the liklihood of it happening in future pregnancies is pretty much non-exsistant.  He answered our questions and sent us home.

We talked to my local OB on the way home and have been instructed to arrive at L&D around 8:30 in the morning to be induced.  I am not far along enough to require another c-section, so I will be medically induced and the Dr said Jakin would be born between 12 and 36 hours later.  He warned the medication they will be using will make me feel "crappy" with fever and possibly nausiated.  We will be taking the laptop and I will update as I can.

We ask for prayer tonight and in the days to come.

Please pray that Ethan's heart is protected and that we parent him like we should and answer his questions the way God wants us to.  He is 3 1/2 and has now experienced the death of two siblings in a matter of just over 14 months.

Please pray delivery goes smoothly and quickly with no other complications.

Please pray for our families and friends that have walked and are walking this path with us.  They are amazing.

God is with us.  We know it.  We have walked this road once before.  God's peace has already started to show evident.  Today was a good day in Heaven.  Angels rejoiced as Jesus carried Jakin into the Lord's presence and his heart was healed. 

Ecclesiastes 7:1 says "A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth."  Today was better than tomorrow.  The word also says that God weeps with those that weep.  We know He is in tears with us now as we prepare to deliver our third child to His arms and in the days ahead as we plan and bury one of our babies for the second time.

We love you all and appreciate all of your kind words and prayers.

Pediatric Cardiologist

We see the pediatric cardiologist today at 2:45 est!  Be praying for Jakin's heart to be in perfect rhythm.  Our God CAN do this!  He is able!  I will post an update as soon as I get back around a computer.

Also, please be praying for a little girl named Briley in your prayers.  Her mommy and I have very similar histories as we both had baby girls pass away in utero at the same gestation due to the Factor V Leiden.  Briley is their rainbow.  Briley was born a little early in August I believe and is having heart surgery today to open up some constricted arteries coming from her heart.  Mommy and Daddy know that all things are possible with God and know the power of prayer, so they have requested prayer for their sweet girl.

30 Day Blog Challenge- Day 28

Something I miss...

Being niave.  Being so blissfully happy during pregnancy that I could burst and only momentarily thinking of the "what-ifs".  The feeling that even though I know bad things happen, they aren't really that common and really, with no family history, it could never happen to me.  That was how I felt in my first two pregnancies.  This one is SO different.  It's not like I let the fear and worry consume every minute of the pregnancy, but they are things that are on my mind everyday and nervousness that creeps in before every appointment and while the doppler is waving around on my tummy before we hear that beautiful sound of a strong heartbeat. I don't know how to say it except to say it is SO different.