Grateful.

I'm linking up with Gypsy Mama and 5 Minute Friday.

Want to take five minutes with me and just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. Here’s how we do it:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my right side bar}

3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

Today's promt...

Grateful.

GO!

I have so many things to be grateful for.  A little boy in particular that helps life my spirits anytime, anywhere.

I'm grateful his daddy is teaching him manly things...like how to hold his fish and what a "leverman" (Leather.man) is for.

I'm grateful for birthday parties and cousins and kiddie pools.

And grateful for being that mom that lets him have too much sugar on special occasions.

I'm so grateful that my big boy will still fall asleep on his mommy's lap.

Even in the middle of the lake.

And VERY grateful for swimmies and for bravery I've never seen in a four year old delicately balanced with a respect for the water.

I'm grateful for this yellow two seat kayak that has taken Ben and I from dates the first summer we were together to riding our first born in it.

And grateful we both have days off work when we can enjoy it together and for a husband that knows where to go to avoid the holiday traffic :)

 I and I am so very grateful for little signs.  I am so grateful for seeing so many dragonflies this summer.

I am so very thankful for summer and all the beauty that makes it what it is.

STOP.

Fossils

Before Christmas we went to Northern Kentucky to visit some close family friends for Christmas and one of our Godchildren's birthdays.  While we were there we went back to the Creation Museum.  This time to see the live nativity.  We got there early to fight the crowds and walked through the museum.  I saw the large dragonfly fossil that I remembered seeing from our first trip there.  But, when we got down to the lower level, I saw something I didn't remember.  Two dragonflies.  Two of them fossilized forever and together in this display.

Isn't it just facinating?  One day these two were just flying around and then they are frozen in time for us to see.  Dragonflies have a very short lifespan when they get their wings, but these two (like my two) have forever left an imprint.

Fossils just amaze me.

Summer Reminders (2)

After Ethan's balloon floated away, I was really disappointed that I didn't have the chance to get a good photo of the balloon and Ethan together on his day.  I was pouting a little I guess.  After a little more playing on the playground and a few more photos...

We got packed up and were starting to leave.  I turned to check the area and make sure we left nothing behind and something caught my eye.  A little, bitty, tiny one of these...

And I managed to snap several shots of it and it's friend that were a little late to the party.

Summer Reminders (1)

We have been blessed to spend much time as a family this summer.  And it seems that everytime we get together to have fun, we always have a reminder of Joy.  By reminder of Joy, I mean one of those moments where you see or hear something that reminds you of that member of the family that is missing, but is a source of joy instead of just a pain.  Just one of those moments when, despite your grief, you smile, you remember, you allow yourself to feel the joy you felt before.

The first one of the summer that comes to mind was at Ethan's birthday party.  We had his party at a dock where there is a play ground and a shelter house.  I had found this great balloon at my florists with a puppy and a dragonfly and we got it for Ethan "from Shyla".  We tied it to part of the shelter house and near the end of the party, I untied it and carried it to the playground to take a few shots of Ethan holding his sister's gift.  Then this happened...

It was like it was happening in slow motion.  I felt the ribbon get lighter and looked up just in time to see the bottom of the balloon just slip from the ribbon and out of my reach.  Everyone that saw this begin just watched as I tried to jump and read the drifting gift.  Ethan kept watching for it.  He looked at the sky until we could no longer see the little speck that was his balloon.

I was a little unsure of how he would handle the balloon he had waited all day to play with floating away and out of sight.  I approached him and said, "Ethan, I'm so sorry your balloon floated away.  If you want, Mommy will get you another balloon on Monday."  He just kept looking up at the sky and said nothing.  "Ethan...can you still see it?"  It was I'm sure nothing but a tiny dot in the big blue sky by now.  He looked at me smiling and said, "It's ok Mommy, Shyla wanted to play with it."  He hoped down and went playing on the playground.

For a moment I was not sure how I was going to react.  Tears didn't come.  Nope.  All I could do at that moment was chuckle.  If she would have been there, I'm sure there would have been a battle over who got to hold the balloon in their little hand and who would get to play with it.  She is not here, but it was like they were wanting to play with the same toy and this time, she won!  It just made me laugh a little. 

I still was hurt that I never got a picture of Ethan and his balloon and my sweet hubby knew it.  The following Tuesday at work I recieved a small boquet of flowers with the same blue Happy Birthday Balloon with the puppy and the dragonfly.  Several people at work said, "Oh!  Is it your birthday!?"  Um...no...and I had to tell a mini version of what happened at his party. 
When I got to my Mom's house that afternoon to pick Ethan up, I carried the balloon in to surprise him.  He got really excited and said, "Shyla sent my balloon back!  Awww, we sharing!"  This is where it was a little harder to keep my composure...


So that little balloon floating away was the first reminder of joy of summer.  We have had many, many since then (but I have been just terrible at blogging about them) so for the next few weeks, I will try to catch up!

What have been some of your reminders?

Reminders of Joy

As mentioned in an earlier post, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Remembrance Day. I really wanted to plan a prayer service or a walk to remember in my area, but with my loss being so recent, my husband and I thought it might be better to attend one somewhere away from home. I randomly met a couple from Northern Kentucky who were planning a prayer service at their church and were nice enough to make sure I knew I was welcome. Since the church was about a three hour drive from home and the service was on a Thursday evening, we decided to make a weekend of it. My birthday was the 18th and I was going back to work the 19th, so a weekend away from home sounded like a great idea.
The evening of the 15th we attended a prayer service in Ft. Mitchell. It was beautifully decorated with delicate white candles and pink and blue balloons. Names of babies are now in heaven were shown on a screen. When Shyla’s name flashed for all the church to see I had such mixed emotions. At first, it hit me like I was hearing the news of her death for the first time. I held my breath and blinked. Maybe this was still a bad dream. The second time her name scrolled across the screen, I looked around to see how many people were thinking of her at that very moment. I was like any other proud parent. Her name was there and it meant something. The people in that room were acknowledging her life. It was such a odd emotion. There was a small sermon and lit the candles we were holding. We sang Jesus Loves me and said a prayer. I never thought I would be here. Wearing my pink and blue ribbon and holding this candle. But I know I am not alone. I do not walk this road alone.

The next day we went to the Creation Museum in Petersburg. We had a good time and Ethan especially enjoyed it. I really wanted to focus on giving him LOTS of attention this weekend. I just wanted to share a couple of photos from this day.

The dragonfly may have a very short life span, but look at how long the evidence of this ones life will be seen.  The symbolism just amazes me!
On Saturday, we went to the Newport Aquarium. Ethan was AMAZED! He would just run from one tank to the other. His favorite things were petting the sharks and seeing the penguins. And the Frog Bog. The Frog Bog is the children’s play area. There were giant frogs for kids to climb and play on, a jungle gym and a huge mural on the wall of a pond setting. I saw a ladybug painted on a giant blade of grass and smiled. Ladybugs have kind of always been my thing. Then, as we rounded the corner, I saw…

A dragonfly! So we posed for a family picture! Wow, I needed that. I was beginning to feel guilty for enjoying myself and then I saw that purple dragonfly. God knows just how to make us smile and give us joy just when we need it.
It was a great weekend.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention how sweet my husband is. While on this little trip he gave me the most beautiful birthday present. It is a diamond dragonfly pendant. It is truly breath taking. It is so special that I had all of these little signs to help me heal over this time. I know God sees my pain and is holding me closer than ever. I feel His presence and peace. Some days, some moments I feel like I cannot walk this road any longer, that I am not strong enough. That is when He lifts me up, hugs me and gently says, “No, your not strong enough…not on your own.” I am not strong enough, but with the Healer and Peace Giver at my side and in my heart, I will live the rest of my life with a peace and joy that passes all earthy understanding.

Thank you God for these moments that you have given me. The moments that I know you are near and holding my precious daughter until I can be with her again. Thank you for your peace. Thank you for your joy.

John 16: 20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy… 22Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

Dragonfly

While planning the memorial service for my daughter, I decided I would like to have a piece of jewelry with Shyla’s birthstone, a sapphire. I looked online while I was still in the hospital recovering from my c-section and discovered there are actually pink sapphires. I found a necklace that held an angel charm and the angel’s dress was a pink sapphire. It was beautiful, but, there was no way I could get it in time to wear it to her service. I mentioned my desire for this memorial jewelry to my husband, and apparently, my mother, but told them it was ok if we didn’t find anything. You see, something beautiful about this already is that my wedding band contains sapphires, so, I was ok with not having something new, I guess.


The day I came home from the hospital, we stopped at my Mom’s house to pick up my son and to see my brother and his family who had come from Oklahoma to be with us. While there, my Mom and Grandmother ran out to pick up some food for everyone and when they got back, Mom handed me a little box. As I opened the box, I saw what I thought at first to be a delicate pink butterfly necklace and earrings. As I looked closer, I saw no, they were dragonflies. AND not only were they pink sapphire, my daughters birthstone, they also held two opals…my birthstone. I immediately knew that both my Mom and my Grandmother thought these were butterflies. They probably never would have bought them if they knew they were dragonflies. But I smiled. I knew this was a God wink. I told these loving women what I thought they were, and then they agreed, but were apologetic and wanted to return them if I didn’t now want them. No. I told them. They are perfect. I immediately began searching for the symbolism of the dragonfly.

This is what I found.

Dragonflies live a very short life. One of the shortest life spans among the insect world actually. From the time a dragonfly egg hatches, it can live anywhere from six months to six years…BUT it only lives about two months as an actual dragonfly. Most of the time is spent as a nymph in the water, unseen, before it “gets its wings”.

In some cultures the dragonfly is the symbol for new light and JOY! Other cultures believe the dragonfly to be the symbol of hope, change and love. I must say, this symbolism definitely means something to me.

I also found a children’s book called The Dragonfly Door. It is a book used to help explain death to a child. The story is similar to this one:

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever. Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Isn’t God’s creation amazing? The symbolism of the dragonfly sometimes just brings a tear to my eye. I’m not saying that every time I see a dragonfly I think that it is my daughter’s spirit. I just love all of the symbolism, the analogies, the parallels.  Just like King David said after the loss of his baby, I know she can not come to me, but one day I will go to her and we will be together in Heaven.

I now have three different dragonfly necklaces. I am hardly ever without one.  When I am having a hard day I see my little dragonfly and remember someday I will get my wings and go to the other side of the water and no longer be a water beetle and be with my daughter again.

Thank You Cards

Wow, I can't believe it has taken me so long to finish my thank you cards.  So many people have touched our life in so many ways since the loss of Shyla.  I am still working on a few, but it is amazing how people react to loss.  Some wonderful ladies from our church brought us home cooked meals for a week and a half, we recieved SO SO SO many cards, and certain friends and family made a point to remember our 2 year old son in the midst of everything, bringing him coloring books and stuffed animals.  We also had so many people to donate to the Pregnancy HELP Center in Shyla's name.  We had requested that in leui of flowers donations of baby items be made to our local pregnancy center, HELP (Holding Each Life Precious).  It was such a bittersweet day when we took all of the donations to the center, including some of the items we and some of our family had bought specifically for our daughter.

As I sat writing all of these cards, I ran a large scale of emotions.  I was happy so many people had responded to our loss, we have so many friends and are so blessed.  Then sadness would come in, I should not be writing these cards...no parent should have to thank someone for their kindess during the loss of their child.  Then comfort, we know that we will see her again someday and that our Heavenly Father is holding us (and her) so closely right now.  Then heartache for all the parents that experience a loss like this and don't know Jesus and the comfort He provides.  Then joy that maybe one of these cards will be a witness to the person who sent it and open a door for that relationship with Abba Father.

I never knew writing thank you cards could be so emotional.

We will be sending out the majority of these cards tomorrow.  I pray now that they may touch the hearts of those that recieve them and give everyone just a little joy that I was thinking about them today.

For everyone that has touched our lives during this hard time, I just want to quote Paul in saying;
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy..." 
Philippians 1:3-4

I made these cards specifically for those who made donations.  They really did help leave Shyla's imprint on this world.  The stamp I used was actually almost the exact size of her little footprints..and I just love the quote.

...And then I smiled.

Today is the 2nd! 
Shyla's would have been one month today, so after a relaxing morning at home, we stopped at the cemetary.  As soon as we pulled up to the back gate of the cemetary Ethan said, "See Shyla?" Ben and I looked at each other and then to the carseat where Ethan sat.
"Did you tell him where we were going?" I asked Ben.
"No, did you?"
I just smiled, we both know we didn't tell him. He just knew. And as we walked to her small grave, Ethan almost running, he said, "Happy Birthday Shyla!"  God knows just how to comfort us doesn't He?  If ever there has been a time when we recognize how close He is to the brokenhearted is has been through the observations and comments made by our son over the past month.  We had mentioned to him early in the morning that today was Shyla's 1 month birthday, mainly because he just loves any reason to sing the birthday song, but I never imagined he would really remember or understand what we were doing today.

Her plot looks so small.  Someone had brought some pink and white flowers and placed them by her marker.  We brought a small bronze dragonfly garden decoration and placed it there (I will explain the signifigance of the dragonfly later) and after a few moments, we just looked at each other and knew it was time to go.  We turned to make our way back to the van, but when Ethan realized we were going to leave, he turned to run back saying, "No, see Shyla...see Shyla!"  He didn't want to leave.  He tried running back to her grave, but Ben picked him up and hugged him and we walked on to the van.  He was ok after that, but obviously he was not as ready to go as we were. 

We dropped him off with his Nana and made our way to Somerset for my 4 week post partum check-up.  We must have been anxious because we were there a hour before our appointment so we decided to go to the Christian Bookstore and look around.  We found a book called, I'll Hold You In Heaven, by Jack Hayford and decided to buy it.  It is referenced several times in a devotion we have, so I thought it would be good to read.  While I was browsing, I also saw a Bible case that had Phil. 4:13 stitched on the front with Ladybugs and Dragonflies scattered around the scripture.  That was my God wink today.  If any of you know me, you know that ladybugs are kind of my symbol.  I have collected them since I was young and anytime a close friend sees one, they automatically think of me.  Well, dragonflies are Shyla's bug.  But that is another post entirely.  On to the appointment.

It was odd being back in the office.  The last time I was there was the day before the surgery to deliver Shyla.  I saw on the ultrasound screen, lying there, motionless and thought that I may never smile again.  But I have.  I smiled today in that same office. 

The Dr. said I was healing beautifully.  Everything looked great.  Then he brought out all the tests results.  He listed each one.  Which after a minute just began to sound like, "Blah blah blah...Negative....Blah blah blah...Negative..."  I had been negative for any medical cause for my baby to not be here today...until...

"You tested positive as a carrier for Factor V (five) Leiden."

Positive...wait...you found a cause?  I had become fully prepared to accept the fact that I would never know a medical reason why Shyla died.  Ben and I prayed before we went into the office today that whatever would bring Him glory is what we wanted.  Knowing or not.

The doctor went on to explain that Factor V is a genetic blood clotting disorder that is often found for the first time during pregnancy.  He explained that usually when stillbirths occur and the mother is positive for Factor V, a blood clot probably formed in the placenta or umbilical cord and usually a taking a bloodthinner in a subsequent pregnancy could amost guarantee having a successful outcome to pregnancy.  He also said that having this clotting disorder, if not detected in pregnancy, is usually not found until it causes a major problem such as stroke or pulmonary embolism (where a clot travels to the lungs or the right side of the heart).  Thats when it hit me...

Shyla could have just saved my life...AND...she saved the life of her future sibling(s)!

Wow.  Talk about being blessed by Shyla Joy. 

And then I smiled.





To read more about Factor V Leiden from the Mayo Clinic's website, click here.