Five Minute Friday: Good-Bye

I'm linking up today with Gypsy Mama and Five Minute Friday on the topic of "Good-Bye".  Five Minute Friday is for writing for five minutes without worrying if it is right...just write.  Be sure to link up and link back to Gypsy Mama and encourage another linker before you.

GO!

Good-Bye

I've gotten really good at saying good-bye over the past few years.  My husband and I were just talking about this very fact the other night.  Ethan will be turning 5 years old in May (Oh My Goodness!!!) and during his life we have had to say a lot of Good-Byes.  

The first good-bye was when my sister (well, technically, half-sister) passed away just two days after learning we were pregnant with Ethan.

Then, just four short weeks after Ethan's birth, my Grandfather had a very sudden stroke and passed away just a few days later on 7-7-07, just 7 days from his 77th birthday.  I will admit, this was the hardest good-bye I had said up until this point in my life.

Then September 2, 2009 was the day our 2nd child and only daughter was born quietly.  We said good-bye to Shyla Joy before she was born.  It would take lots longer than 5 minutes to describe this good-bye.

Just 14 months after that, in November of 2010, our third child, Jakin, developed a heart condition and passed away just days before Thanksgiving.  Again, nothing I have ever experienced before is harder than saying good-bye to your baby, no matter how tiny they are.

2011 was a easier year as far as good-byes.  The only thing we said good-bye to was the idea of having any more biological children.

Now, just a few months into 2012, we have said good-bye to my uncle and my father within a week of each other.  

Then we said good-bye to one of the sweetest baby faces I have ever seen as we placed him back in his birth mother's arms after six days.

I guess the good thing about all of these good-bye's is that they are not permanent.  As Ethan said when we released balloons at Shyla's graveside service, "See you later!!!"

Well...my five minutes are up!  

Coming Home and Saying Good-bye.

(This is a continuation of my last two posts about our process of bringing home the son we were adopting and having to say good-bye. )

Tuesday


We got up and took our time getting ready for the day.



A photographer friend of mine that lives not far from where we were met us at the hotel to take our first family pictures.  We were tired, but you can tell we were so happy.  Here are just a few.









We actually had to check out of our room, but the hotel was really nice and let us use their lobby.

We finished up there and had a couple hours before Samuel's follow up doctor's appointment, so we decided to get some lunch.  The waitress asked how old he was and I  told her 4 days.  She looked at me and said, "Shew girl you look good!"  I told her we were in the process of adoption, but she didn't hear me.  She went on and on about how he looked like my husband and how she hopes he gets Ethan's big blue eyes.  We just smiled and placed our order.  I literally could not stop smiling.

After lunch, we drove back to the hospital and met A (Samuel's birth mother there).  We got right in to see the pediatrician and Samuel's bilirueben levels looked great.  He had some mild baby acne and the Dr. ordered some cream for it.  The doctor asked lots of questions about his delivery and A answered them.  Then he asked questions about how he did while in the hospital and about the night before, which I answered.  Then he asked us if we were friends.  I'm sure he was wondering what the situation was with us.  We told him about the adoption plan and he said that one of the nurses had mentioned that.  He asked if we had any biological children and I briefly told him our story.  He commended A and told her what a great thing it was she was doing for us.  Especially after having a c-section.

We had to go to the on-site pharmacy for the cream and that took about 45 minutes.  Then, we were on our way home.  The almost 3.5 hour drive went great.  We both made some calls to let people know we were finally coming home and I talked with our pastor about Samuel's dedication at church.  There was already a baby dedication planned for the next Sunday, but our Pastor said if we wanted to wait and make his a special day just for him we could.  He also asked us to tell our story and share our testimony that day.  Many of our church family know our story, but we attend a very large church, so many still do not.

As we got back into town, we had to stop at my Mom's house and my Grandmother came over.



His socks are off because my Mom and Grandma always have to see baby feet.  I mean, who doesn't love baby feet?

Mom had cooked dinner for us so we stayed a while, then went home to get settled in as a family of four!  The night went well and the next morning we were refreshed and ready to really get into a routine.

Wednesday


There were many things that were so exciting about having him home.  We had decided to cloth diaper, so we started that and used the room in our house that has been a nursery two times before.  We used his new changing table and just took in every little look he gave us.  Then, late in the morning, my cell phone rang.  I was changing Samuel's diaper and he peed in the middle of the change, and he didn't like having to change his clothes again, so I had my hands full.  Ben told me it was A and answered it.  She must have asked for me, so Ben and I traded places and I took the phone.

The first thing she said was, "Mattie, I don't know how to tell you this..."  My heart immediately hit my stomach and I knew what she was going to say.

"I can't do this.  I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it."

I started crying and didn't know what to say.  I won't share our whole conversation.  But the short version is, she had bonded with him even when she was trying not to.  He looked so much like her first born, it was too painful to not parent him.  I had told her from the beginning we were going to try to make this whole process as easy as we could for her.  I asked her if she even had a carseat to take him home.  She said she was borrowing one.  I told her we had to make some arrangements and we would call her later.

I bawled in my bedroom with the door shut until my husband came in.  I straightened myself up a little.  I didn't have to tell him what was going on, but after him, came Ethan.  He climbed up on the bed and asked what was wrong.  I told him A called. I told him she really wants to be Samuel's mommy now and we have to take him back to her.

"NO!!" He yelled and buried his face in his hands.  "That will make everything broken again!"

He laid his head on my shoulder and cried.  He told me to call her back and just tell her no.  Tell her that I am his mommy and he is his brother.  I was holding Samuel and Ethan asked if he could hold him again, so I let him.  Ethan said, "Mommy, it feels like he is passing away."


Ben stayed with Ethan and Samuel and I began to pack his things.  All the clothes we had bought for him (except what he had already worn), a few packs of diapers, burp clothes and bibs and receiving blankets.  I packed the little socks and paci's and bottles.  The little Bible that we had for Samuel.  The one just like Ethan's little Bible.  The one I wrote 1 Samuel 1:27 in the front of.  "For this child I prayed and God granted me what I asked of him."

Ben called our attorney who told us we had to wait for the custody order to be vacated by the judge, because until that happens, we were legally responsible for Samuel.  I asked Ben to call Ashley and tell her.  We drove to my Mom's to leave Ethan because it would have been too hard for him to say good-bye like we were going to have to.  A little while later we heard back from the attorney and the judge was not going to be able to vacate the order until the next day.  I texted A and told her and she said she figured we might need another night and that was ok with her if we just waited until the next day.  We went home and sat together as a family.  All of us took our turns crying.  We also took turns feeding, changing, dressing and holding sweet Samuel.

I didn't sleep much that night, I could hardly take my eyes off of him.

Thursday


About 10:00am we got the call that it was over.  Samuel was no longer ours.  We took Ethan to Mom's and she gave us a bag full of things she had purchased for him for us to give to A.  Ethan kissed Samuel and my Mom prayed over him and us.  We texted A and her friend was going to drive her half way to meet us.

We had to stop before we got there to feed and change Samuel.  We were to our meeting place first and I snapped just a few more pics of this sweet face.



He made some really sweet eye contact and I talked to him and prayed over him.

When they pulled up my knees went weak, but I knew what I had to do.  Ben got the bags and bags of baby stuff and I carried Samuel to her and told her where his medicine and formula were.  I told her about the stuff in the bags and I held it together well for a few minutes.

Then I kissed his little face and placed him in his birth mother's arms and the tears started.  I hugged her quickly and hugged her friend and told her to take care of them.  I peeked in the back seat of the car and said something to Samuel's biological brother and turned my back and quickly walked to our van.  Ben was right beside me.  As soon as we shut the doors, I began weeping uncontrollably facing away from them.  I just couldn't stand to watch them put him into that seat and drive away, so we left quickly.  It's been a long time since I cried like that, but I recognized what kind of cry it was.

***

It has been almost two weeks since we left that parking lot.  I have been emailing A and they are now back in her home state.  Samuel is doing well.  She kept the first name we gave him and appreciates all the stuff we sent.  We have gotten the bill from the attorney and decided that one of us should have went to law school.  We will continue to try and keep in touch with Samuel and his family, A said she knows we have bonded and would like for him to meet us someday.

Samuel

1 Samuel 1:27-28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."

The little boy we have loved since we first met his birth mother was born March 9 by emergency c-section.  (He is fine. his birth mother is fine).

We cared for him along side her and left the hospital with him in our arms and he had our last name.  

Then, at six days old, his birth mother called and said this was much harder than she expected.  That she couldn't complete the adoption plan.  

We placed her back in his arms.

He was ours for a short time, but we loved him none the less.

We named him Samuel.  

He was one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen and such a joy to care for.  

I'm so glad I got to be his mama, even if it was only for six days.

I will share much more of the story, but I just had to start writing and start getting it all out.

Thanks for the prayers.  We greatly need them.

2012 so far...

So far, 2012 has been a blur.  I'm friends with many of you on facebook and many of you follow my other blog so you will already know kind of what's going on, but for those who don't...

In early January, we get an email stated it could possibly another full year before we bring home a child from South Korea.

January 11 we get an email from a cousin asking if we would be interested in meeting a friend of hers who has decided to make an adoption plan.

January 14 we meet "A" and decide to proceed with a private, open adoption plan.  Baby boy is due in March (just 5 days from my brother and SIL due date), but doctors suspect baby will be born in 3-4 weeks!

February- My uncle (my mom's brother) very quickly and unexpectedly passes away.  The day after his funeral, February 14, my Father passes away as well.  All in all, we attended 3 funerals and 4 visitations in less than a month.

March- My brother and SIL welcome their little boy...well, big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, into the world!

We are now anticipating the arrival of the newest addition to our family this week.  No latter than Friday!

We are beyond excited, but there is still a large amount of grief to take into consideration.  Our gain is our birth mothers grief.  She is an incredibly brave and courageous woman whom I am so glad I have gotten the opportunity to know.  We are still somewhat guarded.  We know the possibilities, but we also know God is in control.  We are simply waiting and hoping in Him.

I really wish I could have been processing my grief here over the past month with so much loss in our lives and the grief that Ethan has expressed.  There is just SO much going on it has been impossible to do everything.  Thank you all for your prayers.

(source)

I woke up at 4:00 this morning.  And I couldn't go back to sleep.  First my mind went to some Christmas gifts I need to make.  Then on to my to-do-list today. Then I couldn't help it going where it has been going lots lately.  To my littlest child.  Jakin's first birthday in Heaven is next week.  I grieve that I feel like we will not celebrate his life the same way we did Shyla's.  We had a beautiful celebration for her 1st.  Jakin's first is on Thanksgiving Day.  I know it wont happen.  I know there will be very few that think to speak his name that day.  

I laid there this morning and asked my husband a "why" question.  I knew he wouldn't have the answer...and I really give an honest effort to stay away from the "why"s.  I asked him "Why did he have to die at Thanksgiving? Isn't it enough we buried two of our children?  Shyla's original due date was Thanksgiving too. Double whammy.

I'm having a harder time being at peace now than I was when we were approaching Shyla's first.  I wish I could keep from comparing them.  But I can't help it.  Don't we all try to treat our children fairly?  What we do for one, do for the other(s)...

I really need some prayers to help me focus on God and his peace right now.  I know that those things can be found only in Him.  I need His strength, and I need him to carry me through.  I have no doubt He is near, but sometimes the grief is just stronger than others.  

And now is one of those times.

Broken Praise

"You were the one who filled my cup.  And you were the one who let it spill.  So blessed be your Holy name if you never fill it up again.  If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breath to say Hallelujah!"

I recently learned about Music Inspired by The Story. 

On this album is 18 songs by 24 amazing artists.  The songs are taken from the Word of God and are absolutely beautiful.  From the orchestra playing the overture "I AM" about creation to Mark Hall and Megan Garret of Casting Crowns singing as Abraham and Sarah in a song called "Who But You" to Steven Curtis Chapman singing as the thief on the cross in "How Love Wins" these songs are all amazing.  They are backed by the London Orchestra.  Not only are they composed absolutely beautifully, the lyrics are from the word and are so extremely moving.

But out of all of these, the song that hit me the hardest is called "Broken Praise".  It is from the book of Job and it is sung by non-other than Todd Smith (from Selah, and of course the husband of the beautifully inspiring Angie Smith)!  You can go HERE to listen to part of the song (#11), but I really wanted to post the lyrics here as well.  I HIGHLY recommend you purchase this song (actually the whole album).  It is such an awesome way to experience the Bible.  And check it out!  They are all going on tour together too!

***

Broken Praise

If one more person takes my hand

tries to say they understand

tells me there's a bigger plan

that I'm not meant to understand...

If one more person dares to jest

that I have something un-confessed

tries to make the dots connect

from righteousness to Easy Street...

I, I won't deny that I've relied

on some assumptions.

A man's honest life

entitles him to something.

Who am I to make demands

of the God of Abraham?
And who are you that you would choose

to answer me with mercy new?

How many more will wander past

to find me here among the ashes?

Will you hold me?  Will you stay?

So I can raise, this broken praise

to you...

Who else would see my suffering

as one more opportunity 

to educate, to help me see

all my flawed theology?

If one more well-intentioned friend

tries to tie up my loose ends...

Hoping to, with rug and broom,

sweep awkward moments from the room...

I, I can't forget 

that I have been just like a mad man

for my chance to die

never have to face the morning.

Who am I to make demands

of the God of Abraham?

And who are you that you would choose

to answer me with mercy new?

How many more will wander past

to find me sitting in this ash?

Will you hold me? Will you stay?

So I can raise, this broken praise

to you?

You were the one who filled my cup.

And you were the one who let it spill.

So blessed be your holy name

if you never fill it up again.

If this is where my story ends 

just give me one more breath  to say...

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Because this is so close to my heart, I wanted to share it with you all.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance and Awareness Day.  A day to remember all the little ones gone so very early in life and a day to raise awareness and support.  If you know someone who has experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss, take a moment to send them some love on Saturday.  A card, an email, a phone call.  Simply speaking of their loss is enough to bring them comfort.  Say their child's name and recognize the life and the person who is temporarily missing from the family (we WILL be reunited one day!) and it will help heal their heart.

I will be remembering many little ones in Heaven and their sweet mommies on Saturday...especially two little ones that I miss everyday...

Sweet Shyla Joy who went to Heaven at 28 weeks in 2009.

And tiny Jakin Isaac who joined his sister at 19 weeks in 2010.

From birth I was cast upon you;

from my mother's womb you have been my God.

Psalm 22:10

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears.  If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of my child's name.  It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.

Author Unknown

Hard to Explain

It's really hard to explain my emotions some times and I almost don't even want to move forward with these thoughts for fear of being misunderstood.  But for the sake of sharing and letting others who may be feeling this way know they aren't alone, here goes...

Yesterday there was a baby dedication at church.  These have been a little difficult since loosing Shyla, but yesterday's was especially hard.  These were the families that were pregnant when we were pregnant with Jakin. All of us due within a few weeks of each other.  We announced our pregnancies about the same time and a few of us were pregnant the first time together and our oldest kids are the same age.  When they announced they were doing a dedication, I involuntarily became tense.  As I watched all the beautiful babies and their families file in front of the church I began to feel my eyes get hot with tears and had to fight them back.  When the prayers were being prayed for all these precious families the lump in my throat got bigger and I struggled to stay in the present.

{source}

This may be the hard part for some to understand.  I loved seeing those healthy babies up there.  Each one of them is a blessing to their family and I know they are all cherished.  (If any of the parent's of these babies are reading this, I sincerely hope you understand how happy I am for you and that I love seeing you with your little ones!)  But something about not being a part of this dedication was so painful.  Just another reminder of something I feel like I have lost.  Just like when I see Ethan get so enamored with a baby girl that is the same age Shyla would have been.  It's so hard to explain.  I'm so happy for them, but my arms still ache...

We are getting close to Shyla's 2nd birthday so maybe why the emotions have been a little more raw.  I'm not sure.  It could just be one of the ups and downs that this grief does to us.  I'm struggling with what to do for her special day this year.  With her birthday in September, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in October and then Jakin's first birthday in November (Thanksgiving Day actually) we have lots of opportunities to remember and honor our babies, but as most of you know, that can be as exhausting as it is special.  Read HERE to see what we did for Shyla's first birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  We don't plan on doing anything as big as that this year, but I still want to do something, even if it is just for our family.  I would love any suggestions!

MISS Article

I just wanted to share this wonderful article about Dr. Joanne Cacciatore of the MISS Foundation.  It describes the grief of a parent so well.  I love how she says it is "folded into who we are".  Please take a moment to read the article and pass it on to others. Education is key to breaking the taboo subject of death, grief and the loss of a child.
(Click the link above to go to the pdf of the article).

Back to Work

As I was typing the title of this post, the computer remembered it already.

As the title suggests, I'm headed back to the office tomorrow.  I could use some prayers. 

I like my job.  I love the school I work at.  It's just being back there...again...for the second time after losing one of my babies.  I know the day will go back fine and everyone is very understanding.  I just can't explain the emotions. 

Overall, I'm doing well and grief is doing it's work, but so is God and he is healing our hearts.

Missin' You

I was just listening to songs on my i.Pod on shuffle and came across a Chris Rice song I don't remember called "Missin' You" and wanted to share.  It is such a beautiful song...if you have a minute, try to locate it somewhere to listen to it...

Missin' You
By Chris Rice
I heard about the day You went away

You said You had to go prepare a place
And even though I’ve never seen Your face
I’m missin’ You

I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky
And I wish it didn’t have to be so high
‘Cause I’m belonging on the other side
And I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There’s a place for You until I find the place You've made for me
But still I’m missin’ You
I dream about Your promise to return
And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word
But for now my feet are planted here on earth
So I’m missin’ You

And even while they say that I’m a fool
I know you see me waiting here for You
Oh, and prayin’ that somehow You’ll get here soon
‘Cause I’m missin’ You
‘Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me
But still I’m missin’ You
Oh, I’m missin’ You
Lord, I’m missin’ You

21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People Book Review

I recently finished reading this book by Dave Earley and I really liked it.  I wanted to review the book, so, I took notes while I read.  Now I have about 12 pages of notes...and if you are going to read 12 pages of notes, you might as well read the whole book!  It's not a very big read, but lots of good points are made in it.  So, instead of giving you ALL my notes, I thought I would just give you some quotes that stood out to me the most.




The author begins the book with several important truths.  For example, God is under no obligation to give us an explanation for suffering and God can do more than one good thing through the bad things that happen to us.  He lists others and then begins with reason number one "The Reason No One Wants to Hear".    Basically, God created a good, pure world and people choose evil.  Bad things happen.  Period.  We live in a broken world.  This, to me is a comfort and not a comfort at all.  On one hand this could mean that bad things just happen with no reason and I was not being punished for some unknown sin.  On the other hand, its a little worrysome to think bad things, extrememly bad things can happen to any one and any time, but they can.

" You are not alone on the road of suffering.  Although often very lonely, it is heavily traveled and have been since the earliest days of history."  It does bring some comfort knowing others know and have known the pain you are going through  AND that they survived or even better turned it to glory for God!

An interesting fact I learned in this book that I had never really paid any attention to before is that after Chapter 2 in the book of Job, Satan is never mentioned.  He started this whole thing and he is the one who brought such suffering to such a Godly man, but after Job refused to "curse God and die" (as his wife urged him to do) Satan shut-up and is not mentioned for the other 40 chapters of Job.  Job then got double of everything he lost back (except his children...all ten of his children died when Satan attacked and he had ten more when blessings started abounding...the reason was explained later in the book).

Reason number 3 might be To Expand Our Perspective of God.  In the book of Job, there are 38 chapters of Job petitioning God for an answer for all his pain and tragedy and 38 chapters of silence from God.  Early points out that "More significantly than recieving an explanation of our pain is embracing a bigger view of God through our pain".  He also quotes A.W. Tozer saying, "The [one] who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems, for he sees at once that these have to do with matters which at the most cannot concern him for very long."  This meaning when we see what matters (God) things that we thought mattered (having the nicest house and car or going through a trivial issue) simply don't anymore.  (Please note I am not saying the loss of a child is a trivial issue.  I'm looking at this book from a perspective of life in general and thinking of some of the "bad things" that anyone might face.  Not just the loss of a child.)

"It is only through setbacks, suffering, and sorrows that we really understand who we are, who we aren't and even more important, who He is."

"God is magnetically drawn to the brokenhearted."

Reason number 6 in the book was To Prepare Us for Greater Blessing.  For Job it was literal and physical.  After his loss and agony, Job then gained back twice the number of livestock, money, and went on to have 10 more children.  For us, the gain we have in Heaven will be much more than we can imagine.  For me and Ben, we look at it like this...if our babies lives have touched anyone eternally (meaning they accept Christ into their hearts) then our babies have blessed them (and their children...and whomever they witness to and bring to Heaven with them) their lives have not been meaningless.  We may not see these blessings on Earth, but in Heaven.  Also, the author explains why Job would have gained 2x the amount of everything except the children.  His answer touched me.  The loss of Job's 10 children was only temporary.  He saw them again in Heaven.  And even if he had then had 20 children...they would not have simply replaced the ten that died.  He had ten children before disaster struck, they went to Heaven, then when abundance blessed Job's life, he had ten more children.  One day, all of them will be together in Heaven and he will have all 20 of his children together!

"Without the process of pain, we are unprepared for prosperity."

"When we experience the immenent threat of great pain and total loss, we always face a choice: We can run to God and trust Him or we can turn from Him and run away."

Reason number 9 in the book is To Increase the Testimony of God.  Daniel was thrown into a pit of lions and not harmed because God was with him.  Many people saw and believed because of Daniel's trial.

This is probably my favorite part.  About the pearl.  The author quotes Chuck Swindoll in telling how a pearl is formed:

For an unknown reason, the shell of the oyster gets cracked and an alien substance - a grain of sand - slips inside.  On the entry of that foriegn irritant, all the resources within the tiny, sensative oyster rush to the spot and begin to release healing fluids that otherwise would have remained dormant.  By and by the irritant is covered and the wound is healed - by a pearl.

Had there been no pain, there would have been no pearl. 

This next two quotes reminds me of all these beautiful ladies I have met online and our relationship.

"Think of me as a fellow-patient in the same hospital who, having been admitted a little earlier, could give you some advice."

The author quotes a mother who lost their child to SIDS as saying, "It's as though people who have lost someone precious speak a different language.  I don't have to explain things.  There is a clear understanding that is so comforting."

"In pain, we learn to live God's word."

"The best style of prayer is that which cannot be called anything but a cry."

The author quotes Virginia Womach, a woman whose husband was severly burned and deformed by fire in a plane crash as saying:

"Although it sounds strange, I feel it is an honor that God chose us.  God had a purpose in all our suffering, and I believe it is to share the strength we have gained from it with others who have suffered or who will suffer tragedy in their lives."

Her husband is quoted as saying, "God has tested us through the fire.  And out of the suffering He was making something beautiful in our lives."

This book was hard to read at times.  To say that bad things happen for this reason or that.  But, remember, this is just some reasons a bad thing might have happened, not that they are the reason that it did happen.  Also, if you chose to read this book, it is good to remember that bad things happen because we live in an imperfect world.  Since sin first entered this world, bad things happen. 

I really liked this book.  It opened my eyes to unseen things and encouraged me to press forward in reaching out to others.  I hope you like it too!

The Lion and the Lamb

We got the call on Christmas Eve that Jakin's stone had been set.  We had ordered his stone just 5 days after he was born, the day after his service because we really wanted it up by Christmas and I'm so glad we did.  I remember sitting in that small building looking through all the possible designs and nothing really "feeling" right.  Then I remembered what I have said to other mothers when this feeling of indesiciveness creeps in over things involving their babies.  None of this will feel right.  It's not natural to be picking out designs for a headstone when you should be picking out nursery decor.  I said a prayer and told myself that nothing will feel "perfect" and we just needed to pick something and get out of there.  That little building was getting all too familiar.  So we picked a lion and a lamb for the front.

Later, when I was thinking about it. It's as close to perfect as we were gonna get.  He was so tiny and gentle, just like a lamb but he was so brave and his heart was so strong to beat so fast for so long.  He was our little lion heart. 

On the back, we put the scripture that we used at his funeral. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:26

Above the scripture we chose to put an image of a heart within a heart.  I love the E.E. Cummings poem that ends with, "I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart."  And now I carry his heart with me.  And his heart was so special.  So I do love the heart within a heart.

We decided to put little hand prints on the footstone.  Everytime we had an ultrasound (except for the first) we saw his little hands.  His hands were so perfect.  I wanted to remember that.

He is buried next to his sister.

I'm so glad we took these on Christmas Eve because when we went Christmas morning, this is what we saw...

16 Months...He is close...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalms 34:18

It has now been 16 months since my dear girl was in my arms.

It's harder now to count the months and truely discribe them accurately.  Yes, it has been 16 months since I held Shyla, but since Jakin joined her in Heaven, its harder to discern new grief from old grief...is there is any difference at all.

I have described grief as coming in waves (as have many other bereaved parents).  And that holds true still.  One wave may be grief of not having my only daughter to hold and make girly things for.  Then another will hit about not still being pregnant with my rainbow and not experiencing a miracle the way I wanted.  Then yet another wave will hit...just wanting my babies back.  Wanting ALL my babies together.  This is the wave I feel most often.

But I do just have to take comfort in knowing that someday I will. 

I have always wanted to write about the grief I am experiencing in time frames.  One month, two months...but now...this grief is not alone.  I can't just separate the grief of loosing her from the grief of loosing him.  They are separate...but they are not.  If that makes any sense at all.  So, while I still may write every 2nd of the month and think of her and every 24th and think of him...they are together in this grief as much as they would be together as part of my earthly joy if they were here together.

Holiday Bill of Rights

Below is the Holiday Bill of Rights for the Bereaved that I received from our funeral home at the Christmas remembrance service that was held a couple of weeks ago.  I just waned to share.  I hope you all are having a peaceful Christmas season. 

Holiday Bill of Rights For the Bereaved

1. You have a right to say TIME OUT! Anytime you need to. Time out to let up, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" and start over.

2. You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS. When people ask, "How are you...?" you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear. (You also have the right to smile and say you're fine because telling them how you feel isn't worth your time-some people will never understand anyway.)
3. You have the right to SOME BAH HUMBUG DAYS. You dont have to be "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just becuase you dont feel like singing Christmas carols all day.

4.  You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.  There is no law that says you must always do holidays the same way.  You can do 10 cards unstead of 100- or no cards at all!  You can open presents at somebody else's house.  You can have pizza instead of turkey!  The list is endless...

5.  You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.  Be at home or with the relatives.  Be in any city, any state you choose!  Nobody said you have to have snow during the holidays!  There is no law that says you must stay home!

6.  You have a right to SOME FUN!  When you have a day that isn't so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it!  Don't be afraid of what someone else will say if they see you laughing and having a good time.  Laughter is every bit as important as tears.

7.  You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION MID-STREAM.  Holiday grief is unpredictable.  You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly be overwhelmed.  When that happens, it's okay to change your mind.  There's plenty of time in life to be predictable.  Exercise your right to change when you need to.

8.  You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.  Go to religious services at a different time.  Open presents at a  different time.  Don't be chained to the holiday clock.

9.  You have the right to REST, PEACE, AND SOLITUDE.  You don' need to be busy all the time.  Take a nap whenever you need one.  Take time to meditate, to recharge your strength.

10.  You have the right to DO IT ALL DIFFERENTLY AGAIN NEXT YEAR.  Just because ou change things one year does not mean you have written it in stone.  Next year you can always change it back or do it a new way.

Follow Up

"Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill?  This can be nothing but sadness of heart?"
Nehemiah 2:2

I had my post-partum appointment with my regular OB today.  He is always so sympathetic and kind.  He spoke softly about our plans for the future and asked what we were thinking.  I shared with him our thoughts and that while we are no where near ready at this moment to expand our family again, we think *maybe* someday we will be. 

He could barely look me in the eye when he said, with my history, he really doesn't recommend that.

Honestly, I was a bit shocked.  My high risk OB tried to assure us on the day of Jakin's death that it was unrelated to Shyla's and that the odds of it happening to us again are very, very low.  Now my doctor, who I respect and have trusted since I began my journey as a mother is talking to me about permanent birth control.

I'm only 27.

Again, not that I am ready at all to be pregnant again right away, but someday, I thought we would feel led to expand our family.  I never thought I would be looking at never being pregnant again.  Even with two babies in Heaven, I still have hope it is possible to have a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy.  It took me by surprise to say the least and I have been very teary since. 

After I left the Dr I had a few stops to make and I had to do them today.  In between stores I sat in the car and cried.  The people in the stores I spoke to and stood in line with had no idea the battle I was facing and the thoughts going through my mind.  Everyone was in a hurry and I'm sure with all they had on their own mind didn't notice the tears in my eyes.

Please remember to be kinder than necessary as you wrap up your Christmas shopping and are out and about.  You never know what the cashier or the person you are in line behind is facing.   

Good Grief

(First let me apologize for the length of this post.  Once I got typing, I just couldn't stop.  Thanks for being a brave soul and sticking with it if you get to the end!)

I'm at it again.  Reading that is.  In the weeks and months after Shyla went to Heaven, I read every book I could get my hands on about infant loss and grief.  I needed to know I wasn't alone and the feelings I was having were normal.

This time, I'm at it to help make informed decisions.  As I mentioned before, we are working with the funeral home to start a lending library of books to help those who are grieving the loss of some one they love.  We are donating books primarily related to the loss of a child, but I already have a few books on loss in general I hadn't yet read, so I started reading.

Last night after Ethan got tucked in, I started reading Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg.



In this book, the author primarily discusses the "stages" of grief and examples of many types of loss, not just loss through death.

Stage One
The first stage is, of course, shock.  Westbert says, "...when the sorrow is overwhelming, we are sometimes temporarily anesthetized in response to tragic experience."  I can say that I don't think I felt the shock as much with Shyla as I did with Jakin.  Which I think is odd.  Shyla's death came as a total shock.  We thought she was healthy and happy.  I did get the feeling something might be wrong, or otherwise we would not have went to labor and delivery that night.  But with Jakin, we had seen his tiny heart beating much, much too quickly during ultrasounds and we knew that his heart could not keep beating like that forever.  But, still, when the cardiologist and the ultrasound tech noticed something was wrong, I did not cry.  I squeezed Ben's hand and just kept asking questions about what was next.  On the way to the OB, I did not cry.  I prayed and I told God what Lazarus' sisters told Jesus and what Angie Smith so poignantly prayed for her daughter, "Lord, the one you love is sick" and repeated over and over a scripture that had been given to me, "Life and not death will be my part and I will share the story of the Lord."  But when we arrived and the doctor scanned my tummy for any signs of life, none were found.  I still did not cry.  I asked him what choices I had and asked him if we could go home.  A few tears ran down my cheeks, but nothing like the sobbing that took place when we saw that still black and white screen almost 15 months ago.  I really didn't let loose and cry until the day before Jakin's funeral.  My milk had came in and I no longer could walk around pretending my physical pain was from anything else.  I had to face it...and it hit me hard.

Stage Two
Stage two is when we express emotion.  I guess I really hit this on Saturday, the day before Jakin's service.  The difference with Shyla is that emotion was bubbling out of me from the first moment we knew she was in Heaven.  I didn' hold back anything.  And I pretty much haven't held back anything since that moment, until we were told we would do it all over again.  Say goodbye to our sweet baby.  My husband has shown his emotion more freely with Jakin's loss.  Maybe that is why I have not shown mine like I have in the past.  I'm not sure.  About showing emotion and men, Westberg says, "The Scriptures clearly show that when great calamities came to the hardy men of faith they wept bitterly; their 'tears were with them all the night long'."  Westberg is quick also do describe the difference between showing emotion and emotionalism.  One point I was glad he made was to point out how a great fault of intellectual Protestantism has tended to stifle emotion.  The church has went so far out of its way to not be led by emotions (emotionalism) that most Sunday morning services resemble more of a lecture series than worship service.  God has blessed us and He is worthy of praise!  Not merely showing up, shaking hands and going home.  Real, living, thankful beyond words, praise!

Stage Three
Stage three of grief is when we may feel depressed and lonely.  Been there.  Done that.  Even those who are close to us don't really know the full extent of our loss.  Actually, our own minds have yet to wrap around it I think.  It is not just that we lost a pregnancy.  We lost a child...two children.  Our children.  Children that we had planned spending the rest of our lives enjoying.  The hopes of seeing their children as well. Our futures as we saw them here on this earth forever changed, not once, but twice.  Westberg points out that the loneliness and depression can be helped by "the constant, consistent, concern who really care about them " who mourn. 

Stage Four

The fourth stage is that our grief may create phychosomatic symptoms.  We can grieve so hard our body may ache and we may feel physical pain.  I do think grief also can make the physical pain (from childbirth) more excruciating and thus the recovery process longer.

Stage Five

Stage five is when we may become panicky.  When we get to the point that we can no longer focus on other things, we are forgetful and easily frustrated that our minds do not seem to function like they should or used to be able to.  I know after Shyla died, it was probably at least 4-6 months before my mind really started focusing again.  When we got pregnant with Jakin, I noticed a slight relapse, but I just figured it was "pregnancy brain".  Now I see that my grief from Shyla may have been causing these symptoms.  Now I can see the effects of this again already.  But, this time I'm prepared and wont think I'm going crazy.  I've been here before.  Westberg points out, "When we have been briefed about some of the tricks grief plays on our minds, then we are not overwhelmed by the disturbing thoughts that seek to take over."  I will not wonder if I am going absolutely crazy when I loose my keys for the third time in a week or when I can't find a random object and then it appears in the fridge.  It's normal...for me anyway...

Stage Six

The sixth stage is when we feel a sense of guilt about the loss.  Now would be a good time to point out just because he has these listed in stages does not mean they are cyclical.  They do not always move in a set time line.  Guilt, for me (and most loss mama's I talk to) starts very early in the grief experience.  When the life inside you is depending on you to keep it alive and something happens.  It is natural to start wondering what you did wrong...what you could have done differently and in most cases the answer is NOTHING.  Most mama's do everything in their power to keep their little ones safe.  But that doesn't mean those thoughts don't cloud your mind.  I know they did (and do) mine sometimes.

Stage Seven

Stage seven is when we become filled with anger and resentment.  "When we have something precious taken from us we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone related to the loss"  I found this stage (thankfully) not to be as large an issue for me.  I know my doctors did everything they could.  This more goes back to the guilt issue for me.  I feel like I should have insisted on this or that being checked.  I did harbor some resentment to "the system".  Whoever decided that women should not be checked for clotting disorders BEFORE a woman becomes pregnant or at the beginning of pregnancy was crazy!  I hope to someday advocate for these tests to be mandatory...as one mama put it, "Stop testing me for STD's and test me for something I might really have!"  Anyway...about not being resentful... :)

Stage Eight

Stage eight is when we resist returning to life as we knew it.  We feel as if "we must not allow things to go back to normal again."  For us, we know "normal" is objective.  We will never be the same.  The author warns that while we must attempt it, when we try to get back to life as normal, we may find it to be very painful.  I know I did.  Going back to work was a decision I agonized with....and I will probably agonize again.  It's not that I don't like my job, I do.  I work in a great school with great kids and staff.   But going back to that same office and the same people and walking the same halls was very difficult.  Very.  And now, I have to do it again.  As Westberg discusses this stage, he discusses how differently people used to mourn.  Black arm bands or veils used to be worn as a sign of mourning.  People could take much time off work and people spoke of loss and death.  He says that it "is part of the task of friends to help keep the memory of loved ones alive, to show concern for one another and particularly when someone has suffered a great loss".  So, friends, thank you for doing just that.  For reading this blog, for writing Shyla's name and praying for Jakin.  You all mean so much to me and my family.

Stage Nine

Stage nine is when hope gradually starts coming through.  Hope, for me, usually begins immediately, but in small doses.  As time passes, and God works on my heart, hope is more evident.  Spread hope.  Be kinder than necessary, you never know the path another person is on.  YOU could be the hope they need on any given day!

Stage Ten
The tenth and final stage is when we struggle to affirm reality.  When we face the reality of our loss and begin to live life again we realize we have either come out stronger or weaker.  My prayer for each of you is that you come out stronger.  That you are now equipped to help others through these stages and be the hope others need to see.  I pray that we do that as well.

Overall...

Overall, this book was good. I would recommend it for anyone who knows someone who is going through loss, not just to the person in the depths of the loss experience.  We know the stages...we live them...but our family, friends or co-workers may be curious about grief and this book is a good one to cover the basics.

Breath of Heaven

A dear friend of mine emailed me the you.tube link to this song and I could hardly listen to it at the time.  We have had the radio on most of the day today and it just played again.  These words resonate to me more than ever.  I was chosen to carry my son.  I sometimes wonder if a wiser one should have taken my place.  I do offer all I am now, for the mercy of His plan and I am calling on the breath of Heaven to pour over me. 

Breath of Heaven

(Amy Grant)

I have traveled

Many moonless night

Cold and Weary

With a babe inside

And I wonder

What I've done

Holy Father

You have come

Chosen me now

To carry your son

I am waiting

in a silent prayer

I am frightened

by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone

Be with me now

Be with me now

Breath of Heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me, your Holiness

For your holy

Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder

As you watch my face

If a wiser one, should of had my place

But I offer-all I am

For the mercy-of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me

Arrangements Made

Today, Ben, Ethan and I spent the morning in bed talking and cuddling.  I can't believe how blessed I am to have this little blonde bundle of energy!  He asked again why I don't have the baby in my belly anymore.  We talked to him about it again, simple and honest.  We asked if he wanted to send balloons to him like he did Shyla and of course he said yes.

We got it together and went to the funeral home to complete Jakin's arrangements.  You can go here to see the full arrangement details.  We decided to have a short visitation before the service.  Visitation will start at 2:00pm est on Sunday and the funeral will be at 3:00. 

The funeral home has been so great to us.  Working on every little detail.  When Shyla died, we pretty much made all the arrangements from the hospital.  I had a c-section and was in the hospital for three days.  They communicated with us well and were so kind to donate most of their services.  The one thing I regreted is I never saw the inside of the casket she was buried in.  I know that may sound morbid, but I always wondered what it looked like.  Today, that question was answered.  We are using the same small white casket and the funeral director let us see what it looked like.  How the small blue pillow will be placed and now I just won't have that question in my head any longer. 

When we got there, they had already pulled Shyla's file and looked at how we worded her obituary and had a draft of Jakin's typed up with the major changes already made.  He just made sure the surviving relatives were still the same and we worked out the details of the service.

We talked with him about a setting up a memorial fund. Not for us, but for helping begin a resource lending library for families who experience loss.  Donations made would be used to purchase books that can be checked out, like at a library.  I knew the funeral home was undergoing some renovations and the director was nice enough to show us around.  He said he was hoping to get something like that started and he even showed us the area where the lending library could be.  We talked about how it might be set up and about many other things, but over all, if there is such a thing as a good experience at a  funeral home, the staff and director here, made sure we had one.  They have went above and beyond what we should expect.

After we left the funeral home, we went to the florist.  Let me just add that this is a small town and word spreads quick.  The florist we are using is the same one we used with Shyla and the same one I purchased an empty saddle frame to make Shyla's Memorial Day arrangement.

Anyway, when we walked in, the owner came around the counter and hugged me.  She told me how sorry she was and how things just don't make sense.  Believe it or not, I was fine through the funeral home, but that is what did it, I did all I could to hold back tears.  She got me a chair ( she must have been able to tell I was sore by how gently I walked in the door).  We talked about what kind of flowers we wanted and she brought out some samples for us to look at.  We made our decisions and thanked her for her kindness.

We went back to my Mom's house to get Ethan and ended up eating Thanksgiving left overs and watching TV for a while.  We don't have cable or satelite or anything at home and I guess when we got infront of a TV and could just veg out for a while we took advantage of it.

My Mom's phone rang off the hook while we were there.  People checking on us, wanting to know what the arrangements were going to be.  My older brother calling from Oklahoma saying he was leaving his house in 20 minutes and was going to make the almost 14 hour drive by himself and my younger brother calling from where he is saying he thinks they will let him off work, but if not, he was going to call in sick.  Then him texting me saying "love you sis".

While what we had to do  today is something no parent should have to do...ever...not once...not twice...but ever...we can't help but realize how blessed we are to be surrounded with family and friends who love us and want nothing more but to help and be near us.

My thinking is still a little blurred and my body is more sore than yesterday, but I know what to expect the next few days and I know God is with us.


"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  Job 1:21

Jakin's Birth Story

First, we would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as we have began this journey once again.  God never left our side.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 yesterday morning and after the admit process and paperwork, the medication began.  I got an IV of fluids and Dr. C came in, talked with us and gave me the first round of Cytotek to soften the cervix and begin dialation.  He said I would get this medication every 4 hours until delivery and warned it could take up to 5 doses.

We began the wait and contractions slowly began sometime before noon.  I got the second dose of Cytotek at 1:30.  Contractions began getting stronger and longer, so the nurse called the anestesiologist to prepare him for my epideral when the time was right.  After talking to him, my nurse informed me that I could not have an epideral.  The Lovenox I was on to prevent clots is known to create them if an epideral occurs with 48 hours of the last dose.  The risk of a clot in the spinal column leading to paralyzation was too high, so they agreed that when I asked for it, I could have pain meds through the IV.

By this time the contractions were getting really strong and I couldn't really speak through them.  I could only get comfortable on my side, so thats how I stayed.  Jakin is my third child, but this is the first time I have been in full labor.

Very suddenly, close to 5:00pm I started feeling strong pressure and we called the nurse.  Honestly, I knew it was time, but I was scared.  I knew once I pushed, it would all be over and we would begin saying our final good-byes.  When the nurse got into the room, I think I was yelling...I don't know what I was saying, but it was probably begging her to help me.  I was scared.

She quickly got her gloved on and checked me and the bag of waters had desended, but not burst, which is what they wanted to see.  She called Dr. C and told him to come quick.  She had bareley gotten offf the phone when I felt the extreme urge to push. 

At 5:05, Jakin Isaac was born.  8.4 ounces and 9 inches long.

But, I couldn't see him or hold him yet.  The nurse called the Dr. back and let him know and to come on over.  I had to wait on the Dr to come, break the bag of waters and cut the cord.  The placenta had not passed yet.

When Dr. Cunningham walked in the door, he got right to work and soon they had wrapped Jakin in a blanket and laid him on my chest.  He had the most perfect little ears, and fingers and toes.  The shape of his fingernails reminded me of Ethan (I know it must sound crazy, but it's true).  We took photos and he stayed in the room with us until the funeral home came to pick him up at around 8:30.

After he was born, there was still the risk that I might have to have a D&C if the placenta didn't pass on its own.  So we waited and waited.  Finally, sometime after 7:00, Dr. C came in and got it out non-surgically.

The funeral director and another lady from the funeral home came sometime after 8.  They talked with us, and of course said how much they were not expecting to see us in this situation again.  I really appreciate them and how sensative and gentle they have been.

After we talked, we knew it was time to say good-bye.  Ben brought him to me one more time and I looked at him and said goodbye on this side of Heaven.  Ben carried him to the funeral home director who had a bag marked "fragile".  Inside this bag was the little casket we have seen before.  They gently placed him inside and we watched as they closed the lid.  This moment was probably the hardest one moment about this day.

When they left, I finally got to eat a few bites of food and drink, but after not eating anything for 24 hours and what had just happened, I suddenly didn't have much of an appetite.

The nurse graciously moved us to a different room with a more comfy bed and better internet access and by 10:00 we were settled in for the night.

It's now Thursday morning and I expect to be discharged in the next few hours.

I'm tired.  No, that's probably an understatement.  I'm beyond tired.  But I survived and now we must take the next steps to finish the funeral arrangements and get through the next few days.  I know God was with us.  He never left our side.  He was there, crying with us and holding us tight.

To all of you who have messaged, commented, and been praying for us...Thank you for letting God use you to minister to us.  You just don't know how much it means.