Jakin's Due Date

Today was Jakin's due date.  It seems like such a long time ago that he was born. 

We spent the day making all kinds of donations.  First we took some hangers to the pregnancy center.  They have just switched out their clothes in the baby boutique from winter to summer and needed some hangers. 

Then we went to the funeral home to donate the books we have been collecting for the Grief Resource Lending Library.  We started this venture after Jakin left us.  In leui of flowers we asked that friends and family donate to the lending library we would be starting.  After almost 5 months, we made the first actual donation of books and found out they have quite a bit more money for us to access and supply the library with books and resources.  Idealy, this will be a place that people who are grieving can go and borrow a book.  We donated 30 books today!

Inside each book, there is a dedication:

Then we went to the regional hospital and donated 4 more care packages for parent's who deliver their baby stillborn.  This is the third or fourth time we have taken these packages.  The nurse there said that they (the nurses) really appreciate having these to give the patients.  She said they gave the last one they had away 2 days ago.

Next, Ben wanted to donate blood.  He usually does it every couple of months so we stopped by the blood center and he donated.

Then on to the last donation of the day.  My hair.  This is the 5th time I have donated my hair and I was so excited to do it.  I had planned on doing it after Jakin was born.  I have donated shortly after each of my babies have been born.  Here is the before shot of the back...

And here is the after:

It will look much nicer when I get to dry it and fix it (and my eyes are open...sheesh...I wish I could take a decent photo!).  I will send it in to Locks of Love tomorrow! (If you are interested in donating your hair as well, you can also look into Pantene's Beautiful Lengths program. They make wigs for cancer patients.)

We are all at home now and getting ready to get settled in for a family night.  We're thinking of grilling and watching a funny video.  Thanks to everyone who linked up my last post to remind us of something funny.  We appreciate the thoughts and prayers and laughter!

Shyla's Life Celebration

September 2nd was Shyla's birthday.  It was a whirlwind day and I tried to get as much as I could photographed to share with all of you.  First we worked on some of the treats for her celebration and then headed to my OB's office for my 2nd blood draw to compare hCG levels of our rainbow baby, Jakin. 

We picked up Ethan from my Mom's house and let him take his nap then went to the cemetary, which he affectionately calls "Shyla's".  We let Ethan take her a birthday balloon and just enjoyed a few minutes of the beautiful day outside.

Then we went to get the HELP Center decorated and ready for Shyla's Life Celebration.  A wonderful friend came to help us photograph her day!  Some of the photos below I took, but the really good ones were by my dear friend, Tammy.

Some of Shyla's things were displayed on this table to share with others.

This book was made by my brother and sis-in-law and sent from Oklahoma.  I love it!  It has some of her ultrasound photos, pregnancy photos, and photos of her name in it.

I had two scrapbooks I have been working on there, but since I didn't ahve them done, we also spread out all the photos we have of her name written around the world.

We also had Shyla's Stocking there still stuffed with all the random acts of kindness done in Shyla's memory around Christmas time.

This is another dear friend looking through Shyla's scrapbook.

And, of course, there was food...

...and pink punch!

We were blessed with many family and friends that came to celebrate and remember Shyla.  I wish I could have had photographs of everyone, but I don't.  But I did have a guest book and beautiful memories!

One of my favorite things about having her celebration at the HELP Pregnancy Center was the fact that the Center was the first place we were able to make donations in her name.  While planning her service, we decided that in leui of flowers, we wanted people to make donations to the new crisis pregnancy center.  There are still a few of the items donated in her name there, and they have her name still on it!

We are so proud to be her parents!

I went to buy some pink daisies to have that day and for the first time in months they didn't have any...but I did get these beautiful roses...they were perfect!

At the end of the evening, we cleaned the center and headed to the cemetary for a balloon release.  It was getting dark, but I think it was just beautiful.  As soon as we got there, Ethan ran to "Shyla's" and got squated down in front of her stone.  Only he and God knows what was going through is mind and heart at this moment.

And we still got some photos of the release.

Then, later I was so blessed by the cards and donations from our friends and family to help with the care packages we take to the hospital for parents experiencing stillbirth.  I am left in awe of God;s goodness and the truth of the photo above.  There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

Support

The March of Dimes Mission/Support group met for our first official support group meeting lastnight.  We all introduced ourselves and shared a little about our babies.  We had everyone there from a teenager who has experienced a missed miscarriage, to a stillbirth at 28 weeks due to a clotting disorder (me), to a lady whose son was born premature and had to fight and still is fighting (four years later) to live a healthy life and she also had a baby girl in December at 37 weeks, stillborn due to placental abruption. Then there was the mom who delivered her twins at 24 weeks...one is now an active almost three year old and the other passed after two days in NICU and then there was the couple who joined us later and tearfully told us about the miscarraige she experienced less than a week ago at 8 1/2 weeks.  We all had our own varied experienced with pregnancy and loss, but there we sat, in that small meeting room opposite the hospital cafeteria, bonding through our grief.

I shared what I believe the three main purposes of this group are. 

1) To support each other.
2) To support other grieving parents through care packages and resources.
3) To educate the community in the matters of prematurity and pregnancy & infant loss.

So after our introductions we started to talk about the care packages.  We are currently assembling care packages for our local hospital to give to women who experience stillbirth, but I really didn't know what was available for women experiencing miscarriage.  Come to find out...nothing.  The lady who had the most recent miscarraige said they gave her a stack of papers about pain management after the D & C and medical stuff and she just happened to find the brochure about the MoD Support group among those papers.  So we started a list of what we might include in these packages. 

This is where I need some help.  I know many women that have felt the pain of miscarraige and I would like your input on what to include in these packages.  If something was given to you during your time at the hospital or the doctors office that was particular helpful, what was it?  Or what do you WISH you would have been given at that time?  Thank you all for your input!  If you have thoughts to contribute, leave a comment below or friend me on facebook and we can talk.

I will be making a request later in regards to our "education" goal and I know lots of you have great ideas in this area as well!

Positivity from Pain

Kristi and Katy at Butterfly Mommies have posed this question...

"What positive things have come from the loss of your baby?"

For me, I knew from the beginning that God would make beauty from these ashes.  He had to.  It was the only way for me to make sense of Shyla's death.  Before I left the hospital, I had already heard stories of how Shyla's life and God's faithfulness to me had touched people.  His grace was overwhelming.  Woman after woman came to visit me in the hospital and shared their stories of loss.  Eight months before mine, eighteen years before mine, thirty years before...

These women told their stories like I tell mine.  With love and conviction.  But one thing surpised me.  How many of these women I had known for many years and I had never known of their loss(es). 

I knew I had to give this kind of grief a voice.  My first opportunity was to speak at a banquet for our local Pregnancy HELP (Holding Each Life Precious) Center in November.  While planning Shyla's service, we had asked in leui of flowers, donations be made to the HELP Center.  Just three weeks after our loss, my family took these donations to the center.  It was beautiful to see all of these baby items all stacked up.  All in memory of her.  All for the use of other mommies and babies.  Sweet.  Bittersweet.  But Beautiful!

I had the opportunity to share her story and to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss infront of the 250+ people in attendance.  I spoke of God's grace and how he comforted us in the days and weeks since our loss.  I spoke of how every life is precious and not to take one day with your children for granted.

Immediately following the banquet I had women to begin sharing of their loss.  God moved my heart by thier willingness to share.

I felt led to make care packages for mommies who may walk through a similar loss and the first "batch" was delivered to the hospital on the day I was scheduled to deliver Shyla.

At Christmas time, we sent a letter to our family and friends and asked them to do a random act of kindness in memory of Shyla.  We had such a wonderful response.  Reading all of the kindness done in honor of our daughter was a beautiful way to begin our Christmas morning!  (You can read these acts by clicking on "Shyla's Stocking" in the left sidebar under the "labels" tab).

Recently, I have been asked to work with a group of ladies in coordination with the March of Dimes to help bereaved parents and support parents with babies spending time in NICU.  They are such a wonderful group of ladies.  They have decided it would be nice if the group could help with the care packages.  Several things have already been donated for the packages and lists are circulating the area to get more donations.  I was overwhelmed.

I also have been blessed to be asked if we would be the March of Dimes Ambassador Family for a tri-county area this year.  I had the opportunity to share Shyla's story at the March of Dimes Kick-off and I have been asked to share again this coming week at the Regional Hospital to kick-off the internal fundraising for their March for Babies Team.

It is wonderful to be asked to share her story and raise awareness.

Maybe someday, no parent will have to go through what so many of us have.

God has become more than just a friend to me through all of this.  That is probably the most beautiful thing yet.  From my pain He has never left me.  When I feel angry or hurt or blessed, He is there.  While I may never have all the answers, I know the One who does.  And until I see my baby girl again and am in His presence, I will keep speaking the sweet name of my child and the of the awesome love and grace of my Lord.

Special Delivery

Tomorrow should have been the day I would deliver my Shyla Joy.  November 16th.  We were on the calendar.  The OR was reserved.  That was going to be her birthday.  Plans changed.  I wont hold my baby girl tomorrow.  Or the next day...or the next.  I will hold her in Heaven someday.  And oh what a special delivery that will be.  My God, my Father handing my baby girl to me.  I don't know how I am going to be tomorrow.  Well, actually, in ten minutes it will be tomorrow.  November 16th.

I know I wont be delivering my baby girl tomorrow, but I am going to deliver something.  At the hospital even.  Those baskets that I wrote about back in October, well, they have evolved into care packages/bags.  And we are taking them to the hospital tomorrow.  To labor and delivery.  And leaving them there.  It feels kind of backwards, but I am ready.  I pray that these care packages will point to God and provide some peace and comfort to other parents that suddenly find themselves in Ugly Shoes.  I pray help, hope and healing to each of the care package reciepients.

We are also doing some not so fun tasks tomorrow.  Like taking down the crib and moving the dresser out of "that room".  We will probably even turn "that room" into our 2 1/2 year old's room and his room into a craft room for a while.  I just can't see "that room" ever being what it was meant to be again and need a reason to open the door again.

The clock just flipped over to 12:00 AM, November 16th.  I don't know how I feel.  On one hand, I feel as if I could burst into tears at any moment.  On the other, I can't wait to see what is in store for today, November 16th.  Delivery Day.

Baskets

I have been writing down Shyla's story, but it is so hard to put certain things into words. I know grief is a process and so is writing, so it may take a little longer than I expected to put it down on paper. I pray that I can find the words to accurately express everything we have felt and experienced.


So, for now, I will just write about where I am now.

I am working on a project that will hopefully help other parents that find themselves in a place no one wants to be, trying to cope with the loss of their baby. The hospital we were at was very helpful, but there were still things that would have been nice to have during our stay there. So, Ben and I are putting together care baskets to take to the hospital to give to parents when they find themselves with empty arms. These baskets will contain certain things that will hopefully make their hospital stay and the following days easier.

Some things I would like to include are:

~ extra soft tissues
~ two small matching stuffed animals, one for the parents to keep and one to leave with the baby
~ nursing pads- no mom who has just lost their baby will want to go to the store to buy these, but may still need them
~ a cloth handkerchief
~ some kindness cards
~ a special bereavement book for parents with pregnancy loss
I am also putting together a resource booklet to help with funeral planning. It will contain names and phone numbers of local funeral homes, a funeral planning checklist, lyrics to songs that they could play, poems and scriptures that could be read and creative ways to remember their child. Planning Shyla’s service was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do, so I hope I can help by providing these resources all in one spot.
These baskets are still a work in progress, but I think it is my way of helping others in their time of indescribable loss. Please be praying that I can put the right things in them to minister to these families and give them hope. 
 
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not dissapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  Romans 5:3-5