Dependent

That's what I am.  I completely admit it now.

Pray for God's wisdom and guidance in our decisions.  Ben has been going through the rather lengthy process of interviewing for a different job.  His dream job.  The process began with a written exam...he passed with flying colors.  Then, there was a physical test.  No problem for him.  Then a packet of paperwork to fill out that included everything from info on his inlaws to a list of every person he has ever lived with (and yes the dreaded question: How many children do you have?  Give me some help, how would you answer this...think about it, you are asked ALL the time on paper work).  Then, lastnight someone came to our house to go over the packet and do sort of a mini interview.  Yes thats right...at our house...

Most wives would probably be cheering their hubby on.  And I'm trying.  But I haven't gotten to the hardest part of this for me yet.  If he gets this job (I should say "when he gets this job" because it sounds like he's a shoe-in) he will have to go to training.  Lots of it.  I mean 18 weeks in one location, 10 weeks in a different location and 14 weeks in the field training. 42 weeks.  10.5 months.  Most weekends he will be allowed to come home from late Friday night until Sunday morning, about 36 hours, to do laundry and rest.  But then back at it.  The first 18 weeks will be about a hour and a half away.  Then 10 weeks will be two and a half hours away and then he can be placed anywhere in the state for field training.  Ugh.  I'm nausiated just thinking about it.  I admit it.  I am really dependent on my husband.  And it has gotten about 100 times worse since our loss.  I want him to be happy, I really do.  So we have talked and I have been there, supporting him.  But he knows how I get anxious about him being gone so much.

His son ADORES him.  I don't think I have ever met a child that is more of a daddy's boy.  This is one of the strongest reasons I dread all that time with him gone.  Another is due to our second child.  I know she is in Heaven and will not physically be here missing him, but in my weakest most bereaved moments, Ben is here for me.  He is an awesome man.  Really.  If you don't know him, you are really missing out.  Yet another reason this time away makes me uneasy is our third child.  The one yet to be concieved.  This was going to be our year.  We had talked about when we would like to add to our family, and with my clotting disorder, every year I age increases the risk of issues.  It's kind of hard to have a baby if your husband is three hours away.  So we talked about it and I started to believe I could do this.  If we timed it right, he could be gone our first trimester and then be home before I have to start giving myself daily injections of blood thinners.

Then the "what-ifs" started coming.

What it I have a miscarriage and he isn't here?  What if I get injured at home...who will be here to get me to the hospital?  What if I am put on bed rest?  What if I have much more restrictions due to having a high risk pregnancy?  What if I can't...

Then to add to this, when Ben asked the gentleman that came to our house lastnight if there was a family emergency during training, would they let him miss a day to come be with family.  Basically, the guy said no.  He said that you are not allowed to miss any training.  In extreme circumstance, he could possibly come home for a few hours to one day.

The "what-ifs"  were almost taken care of then and there.  I can't do this alone.  Then when reading lastnight, I realized I wouldn't be alone.  God is always holding me.

So, now we are praying and leaving it in God's hands.  Like we should have done from the beginning.





Ok, before anyone thinks that I am being incredibly whiny and attached here let me acknowledge that I already know that.  I know there are many, many amazing women who live without their husbands for months at a time while they are working or serving and protecting our country and I truely admire them.  But, for me, and for this time in our lives, it is almost too much to think about.  I did not get married to live alone.  not for one month...not for ten months.  So please don't take my words as wrongly.  My husband is truely an awesome man and a great father.  Just please pray God's will be done in our lives and that whatever path our lives take glory is given to God.