Eleven

I know I say this every month, but I just can't believe how much time has past.  It seems so unreal that in just one month, she will have been gone a year. 

Getting ready for back-to-school has been hard.  This time last year I was plump and pregnant.  Getting my office ready for students, traveling to DC on a business trip, doing all the regular back-to-school things.  This year, everything reminds me of her.  That this time last year I was nearing the end and just didn't know it.  I wish I could just be that niave again. 

Maybe.

Grief is so like fear.  Not knowing how each day will twist or turn our emotions.  The ride has slowed, but there are still surprises and unexpected loopty-loops. 

Like filling out my calendar for August.  Ugh.  Every time I schedule something I think, "Oh, that was my last Dr's appointment, the last day I heard her heartbeat."  Or, "That's the day I flew on a plane for the first time and she did somersaults."  But the worst is when I look at the last week of August and can't actually say, "That was the day she entered into Heaven and into the Father's presence."  I don't know what day that happened.  She was gone before I knew it.  The whole month of August is just one big question mark.  I'm finding myself a little more emotional this month than the last few, probably just because of that not knowing.

In one month we will celebrate her life and all the blessings that are happening because she lived.  But, part of me cannot help but realize these blessings that are happening because of her life would not be without her death as well. 

She has inspired a bittersweet ministry.