Reflecting on One Year

I've been thinking back to what I was doing this time last year.  Not that I am living in the past, but just reflecting.  I didn't have this blog yet and I still feel like part of the story should be told.

August 31, 2009 is the day we heard that Shyla's heart had stopped beating.  I think I had known in my heart something wasn't right for a couple of days, but was in complete denial.  We went home that night and cried, notified people that we worked with that we would not be back for a while, called family and friends.  After we put Ethan to bed we collapsed into our own and the tears came harder than they had yet.  We held each other and let out the soul wrenching cries of a parents broken heart.  I did not sleep much that night.  I got online, searching for anyone who had been in my shoes.  Looking for info on stillbirth, support groups and what my daughter my look like being born at this gestation (28 weeks).

September 1, 2009 we went to my OB's office for another ultrasound to take measurements of her and to see what information we could get.  My Pastor Mark and Pastor Chris met us at the office and prayed with us before we went in.  As soon as we walked in the door, we were ushered to lab to wait in privacy.  They brought me kleenex and held my hand.  Dr. C talked to us about planning her funeral and he was as gentle as we could have asked him to be.  He told me he would order the bloodwork and I would need to go to the hospital to get it done.  But...I hadn't eaten anything yet that day, unsure if I needed to be fasting before the bloodwork.  He told me to go eat lunch then get the bloodwork done.

We called Pastor Mark and he wanted to eat lunch with us.  I still don't know how in the world I went to a public place and ate any food at all.  We ate at Penn Stat.ion (Ben's favorite) and talked and cried with Mark.  I couldn't eat the entire sandwhich, but I did eat and drink some.  It was sometime during this conversation Shyla's middle name was born.  Joy.

We then went to the hospital to get our bloodwork done.  We first had to see someone who would take our insurance and make us sign papers saying we promised to pay them.  We also did my pre-admit paperwork.  The lady behind the counter was less than cordial, and when she finally looked at my paper work, she said something about us not looking very excited...I had to tell her no...our daughter would be stillborn.  She said nothing else the entire time...
Then on to the lab for bloodwork.  That nurse also asked if this was our first, where we nervous or excited...I then told her no, we have a son...and our daughter would be stillborn tomorrow...

We left the hospital and I got a mocha from the Bax.ters in the lobby and we drove to a funeral home to make arrangements.  The funeral home was so wonderful to us.  They paid for everything.  The only thing we ended up paying for was someone to actually dig at the cemetary.  My grandmother was so helpful and called who needed to be called to get the plot near my grandpa reserved and that end of things taken care of.  We got back to my mom's, picked up Ethan and went home.  The calls, emails, texts and facebook posts kept coming.  Full of love and prayers for us and our family.

I went to bed that night not believing what the past 24 hours had been like.  That was the first night I remember ever reading a blog.  Especially a blog about stillbirth.  I tried to hold on to every hope that I could that the next day when we went into the OR, they would find a heartbeat and everything before was just a bad dream. 

I prayed that God would give my husband peace and give us both the wisdom to know how to help our son, who was just a few months past turning 2 understand why his sister would not be coming home with us. 

I was exhausted and I felt defeated.  I just didn't understand all that was happening.  The next day, my daughter would be stillborn.  I would hold her in my arms for the first and the last times on this earth.  I tried to wrap my mind around this, but it was almost too much.  I did finally sleep that night.  The exhaustion caught up with me.

Tonight, I think about tomorrow.  The day I will try to honor my God and remember my daughter and all the things that have happened because she lived.  I will have faith that all things are possible with God and I will trust in him.