God Knows

I've not been around this blog in a while.  I guess I needed a break and I didn't even know it.  We've been living life and experiencing some changes and trying to get all settled in.  I changed jobs and let me just say...wow!  I love how I spend my days! 

Let me preface this by saying that I loved my job at the school I worked at.  I loved the people and I couldn't have asked for a better place to have been over the past 3 years.  But, 2 of the past three years have been difficult.  I feel like my first year there, I was the most productive and I knew what I was doing and excited about it.  I was pregnant with my 2nd child and working a great job and just living the "perfect" life.  The beginning of my 2nd year there is when Shyla went to Heaven.  I went back to work after 6 weeks, but it took much, much longer for my brain to catch up.  I couldn't concentrate, I was forgetful, tired, distracted.  I know I wasn't the best employee I could have been, but I do think I did the best I could.  At the end of that year, we worked out to shorted my contract and not work the full 187 day school year, but drop to 131 days so I could have more days for Dr appts and maternity leave when we were able to get pregnant again.  I found out I was pregnant the first week of school of my 3rd year.  I wasn't technically full time and I now feel like that hindered my effectiveness, but I did ok.  We lost Jakin the week of Thanksgiving.  I missed over 6 weeks this time due to Holidays and snow days.  Again, coming back to work was hard.  Doing this 2 times in a little over a year was really hard.  Ben and I even talked about me not going back to the school at that point because it was so hard.  I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't myself.   

I really didn't need to get into all that!  But all of that to say this...God knew how much I needed this change.  It has nothing to do with the job itself or the people there, but I can't be in that school without thinking about my pregnancies and going back to work after both my losses.  I remember bumping into a door in a certain hallway after returning back to work after loosing Shyla and grabbing my stomach like I was still pregnant.  The desk I sat at and felt for movement the day I had a feeling she was gone was the same desk I returned to twice.  While there, I had to put all of this in the back of my mind.  And it's not like it was the only thing on my mind.  (I know some one reading this is thinking I probably need help.  And yup, your right, but God is taking care of me.  He is still healing the broken places.) 


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For those of you who have not been in my shoes, it's kind of like if someone you love has died in a car crash and the feelings you get when you have to drive past that spot in the road.  That feeling never really goes away either.  Sometimes you might even go out of your way to avoid driving on that road because the feeling it gives you, even if the road itself has beautiful scenery and an easier drive.  Well, I didn't avoid going to work, but sometimes it was hard to mentally "go there".  I didn't quit, and infact, I was hoping to still be there through at least October, but God knew what I needed.  The grant that funded my position was a three year grant and the three years are up.  There was a possibility for an extension, but God closed that door for me.

My last day at the school was on a Friday and I started something new on the following Tuesday.  I hate to even call this new thing "work".  Because I have never "worked" anywhere where we start the day with prayer, Christian radio is on the whole time, I can pray with the clients and I feel so at home.  Three days a week I am blessed to be a part of the local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  The name of the center is the HELP Center (which means Holding Every Life Precious, how awesome is that!).  The other staff and volunteers are all awesome, beautiful women with such amazing hearts!  In my time there, I facilitate the one on one pregnancy education classes and parenting classes for our clients, go through clothing donations, and whatever else needs to be done (like killing the random wasp and washing donated clothing items).  It never feels like work, because I do believe it is more of a ministry.  I just can't even tell you how wonderful (and healing) it is to be there. 

I just keep being amazing at how God knows.  He has always known exactly what I need and when I need it.  He knows the lessons I need to learn and He knows when I need a break.  He knows.  My new mantra might just have to be His plan, His timing, He knows.  I think I'm He is really trying to teach me this now!